The Week That Was
(1/15/07 - 1/21/07)

PR: Oof... it doesn't even end this month.

BB: You have no idea of my torment, Agner. Of course, I wrote that as "torrent" originally so it shows that I've been downloading way too much porn. Poor poor roommates. On the bright side... JORDIN SPARKS!!! AMERICAN IDOL!!!  HITS HITS HITS!!! This is even better than Deadspin.

JS: Six weeks til ARENA LEAGUE! BON JOVI HATES ELWAY!

NFL
ED:  The Dolphins hire Cam Cameron as their new head coach.  MIAMI IS CURED!!!  HUZZAH!!!

MM: Lets hope for Cam's sake, the AFC East is a nicer draw than the Big 10. I get Pete Carroll -- mediocre if not forgettable stint in the NFL now knocks 'em dead in college at a location that would recruit itself. But only one top gig, not many wins and losses? Your resume lists successes...like Desmond Howard. And Elvis Grbac. Where does a Cam Cameron fit in the annals of coaching archetypes?

BB: In the "I will replace Nick Saban who gave up on a dying franchise" archetype? Right there with Al Groh and maybe George Seifert?

PR: The Steelers might have hired Mike Tomlin... or Russ Grimm... It will be high comedy if the Rooneys screw over the black coach.

ED:  They didn’t.  If only they would have followed the Pirates and hired Lloyd McClendon, I might not loathe the Steelers so much.

ED:  ASSISTANT COACHING MOVEZ!!!  Lots of funny stuff went down, but really nothing tops the Ravens hiring Rick Neuheisel as their O coordinator.

MM: 'Fins giving the D-Coordinator as much if not more cash than the head coach is up there, too.

PR: Aww... all the chips that Jim Fassel pushed in were taken by Neuheisel, weren't they? It all makes sense now.

BB: Are you implying Neuheisel sucked out on him?

ED:  Jim Mora Jr getting that much closer to the University of Washington, in taking the assistant head coach of the Seahawks gig is amusing too, now that I think of it.

BB: He is closer to being the star of the new Coors Light campaign next year, too.

ED:  Seahawks C Robbie Tobeck retires.  Quick - name your favorite Robbie Tobeck memory!  Right.  Of course, it's when he did that stage dive in the "Even Flow" video.

BB: Are you sure that wasn't Bronson Arroyo?

ED:  The NFL is going to have their first regular season game played outside of North America with London supposedly getting a Giants-Dolphins game in 2007.  As if England doesn't already hate America.

PR: Oh great - Eli can stink on two continents now.

BB: Hopefully they are playing in Birmingham so the game can be postponed.

MM: Ironically enough, Stan Gelbaugh could start for Miami in that game. And Eli as Luxury Box Cheerleader has potential.

ED:  A forensic pathologist (I'm pretty certain that's the first time those words have been dropped on this site) report indicates that former Eagle Andre Water's suicide may have been tied to the brain damage and concussions he received while an active player.  Of course, if Troy Aikman offs himself can we deduce it's because of head injuries or having to share a booth with Joe Buck?

PR: Did you ask Chris Nowinski? SEE TOUGH ENOUGH WORKED!!!!

BB: I am sure they could've asked Hugh Morrus. God knows he has nothing to do. He may have responded with a full sentence. I am unsure.

ED:  TROUBLE LIST!!!  Falcons QB Michael Vick has a "water bottle" allegedly containing pot (or not) confiscated in a Miami airport - no charges are brought up against Mr. Mexico…yet.  Saints LB Danny Clark is being sued in a paternity suit.

BB: Awww...at least he is not a Raider anymore.

MM: Vick to Oakland for pick #1? Vick throwing to Randy Moss and Schaub throwing to Calvin Johnson is the best possible solution. And, yes, I am stealing this idea from Michael Wilbon.

BB: Are we not allowed to put his name in normal-sized font because he didn't offer us a ride?

PLAYOFFS!!!
ED:  The Brian Urlacher’s Brian Urlach’ed Brian Urlarcherly the non-Brian Urlachers, 39-14.  Brian Urlacher Brian Urlachers Brian Urlachering Hurricane Brian Urlacher.  Brian Urlacher?  BRIAN URLACHER!!! Brian Urlacher-Brian Urlacher-Brian Urlacher.  BRIAN URLACHER!!!

BB: I was thinking more Sexy Rexy.

JS: It was nice of Sean Payton to give Deuce the ball all those times. Oh wait….

ED:  There was some talk this week that the team that makes the cream on Peter Kings espresso rise is not a historic team.  To that I say, BAH!!!  Any team that collapses harder than a Manning in the playoffs is truly one for the ages.  Colts 38, Pats 34.

BB: I have a feeling Jooge may have mailed that one in.

JS: This fell in between Red Sox-Yankees and Bulls-Pistons in terms of “great teams finally losing to their formerly pathetic rivals.” I wonder if that means we can stick a fork in the Pats for the foreseeable future.

NCAA
ED:  South Florida football player Keeley Dorsey dead at 19 after collapsing following a team conditioning work out.

BB: I didn't know Dennis Green got the USF gig...

ED:  Some fun assistant coach hires goes down and I can't decide which amuses me more - Chuck Amato getting a sweet gig at Florida State or Ron Powlus as QB coach at Notre Dame.  Either way, I am assuming Beano Cooke had his first erection in years.

PR: Aww... Beano does know that Powlus isn't eligible to win the Heisman anymore, right?

BB: Well no. But hopefully he finds the erection within the next couple of months. He should be able to use the jowels to at least get himself to second base.

ED:  University of Illinois-Chicago basketball player Luis Martinez files a sexual harassment lawsuit against the school and their basketball coaches alleging that an assistant basketball coach hit on him.  Oh, you know Bobby Knight would show that kid some tough love.

SOCCER
PR: Poor little Manchester United forgot to play defense for the final 10 minutes or so and their 1-0 lead over Arsenal turned into a 2-1 defeat, thus preventing them from pulling 9 points ahead of Chelsea.

BB: Thierry Henry maybe-kinda-sorta rubs his jimmy in a fallen Gary Neville's face as he runs by him celebrating the second goal. This is apparently almost as bad as dancing on the Chargers logo.

PR: Reading and Sheffield United had what they would say was a "spirited" contest as Keith Gillespie played a total of about 10 seconds before being sent off for throwing a forearm at Stephen Hunt. Both managers were sent to the stands and I giggled a lot.

BB: Ian Holloway would've punched someone out.

PR: The United States had their first post-Bruce Arena match - a 3-1 win over Denmark. What I caught of the game is what you would expect - Bruce Arena bad mouthing all coaches not named Bob Bradley and Eric Wynalda bad mouthing Landon Donovan. Be Brave Eric - cling to your scoring record as long as you can.

BB: And your wife.

JS: Feyenoord was tossed out of the UEFA Cup after their fans set fire to downtown Nancy and environs. An irate Sluggo was last seen heading for the Dutch border.

NBA
ED:  LAYIN' DOWN THA LAW!!!  Wizards coach Eddie Jordan is fined $15K for not leaving the court in a timely manner after getting ejected from a game.  Bulls G Chris Duhon is suspended one game for skipping a practice.

PR: Kevin Garnett took a swing at Antonio McDyess at that earned him a 1-game suspension. It wasn't Garnett's fault for missing since McDyess' crippled legs gave out and so Garnett over shot his target.

BB: That is a brave thing to say for such a tall man. Poor poor achy feet.

ED:  PLAYA MOVEMENT!!!  The Pacers trade F's Al Harrington and Josh Powell and G's Stephen Jackson and Sarunas Jasikevicius to Golden State for F's Troy Murphy, Mike Dunleavy and Ike Diogu and G Keith McLeod.

BB: Somehow Ed spells assistant wrong in the first draft of the WTW but gets Jasikevicius' name right.

ED:  The Nets new arena in Brooklyn will be named the Barclays Center.  Oh, the sweet confusion this will cause on the TNT telecast with Sir Charles.  Like you can't see a bad Abbott and Costello sketch arising from that.

PR: Well of course - there is an idiot woman protesting the name because it is a British bank. If I hear one more news clip of her going "We already threw the British out of Brooklyn once..." I swear to God I will make sure Lawrence Phillips knows where she lives.

BB: Aww, you are definitely implying he's going to suck out on her.

JS: Man, I thought the people of Brooklyn had successfully fought off that arena and Cory Booker was inviting the Nets to Newark. Oh well.

NHL
ED:  Joe Sakic of the Avalanche and Brendan Shanahan of the Rangers are named captains of the NHL All Star game.  And no, I didn't know the AS game was this coming week either.

BB: Can Bill Belichick manage this game, too?

JS: There’s some kind of controversy about all-star votes for Rory Fitzgerald disappearing. Whoever he is.

MLB
ED:  PLAYA MOVEMENT!!!  The Rockies sign John F'N Mabry.  The Mets sign OLD Ruben Sierra.  The Blue Jays sign C Sal Fasano.  The Rangers sign Toast Sammy Sosa.  The Braves trade ADD Adam LaRoche and OF Jamie Romak to the Pirates for PVC!!! Mike Gonzalez and SS Brent Lillibridge.  The Nats sign FAST OUT!!! Tony Womack, NOT NICE!!! D'Angelo Jimenez and 1B Travis Lee.  The Mets sign SCRAP!!! David Newhan.  The Braves sign 1B/OF Craig Wilson.  The Rockies sell the rights to 2B Luis Gonzalez to the Yomiuri Giants.  The Indians sign OF Trot Nixon.  Former ALL STAR!!! Lance Carter signs with the Orix Buffaloes.  The Devil Rays release Japanese PVC!!! Shinji Mori.  The Blue Jays claim IF Ray Olmedo off waivers from the Reds. The Padres sign FAT David Wells.  The D-backs claim OF Alex Romero off of waivers from the Twins.

MM: One less Luis Gonzalez in MLB is a good thing. I'd hate to think the OTHER Luis was sent to Japan, lest his triplets that earned him the key to the city in Phoenix have to feast on uncooked fish and sobi noodles for the next two years. 

BB: Womack and Jimenez is such a hack-tastic infield. Of course, adding Travis Lee doesn't hurt either. Geez. Poor, poor Ryan Zimmerman.

ED:  Sorta related, Notre Dame WR/P Jeff Samardzija signs with the Cubs rather than go pro in the NFL.  Mmm, Drew Henson-y. 

PR: Well, with Dusty gone, Samardzija is now easily white enough to play for the Cubs. 

MM: A Barnstormer/Iowa Cubs two-games-in-one-day by Samardzija would be White Shadow meets Deion Sanders. New Hampshire's David Ball skyrockets up draft boards.  

ED:  MLB owners state they have no desire to toughen up the amphetamines ban in the wake of the whole Barry Bonds mess.  Meanwhile, Senator George Mitchell, head of baseball's steroid investigation, threatens the owners that the chances of government involvement will "significantly increase" if they don't cooperate with him and the steroid investigation.  Yeah.  This is high priority for congress, I am certain. 

ED:  Yankee Stadium is allegedly awarded the 2008 AS game and new Bush Stadium is awarded the 2009 AS game.  As if people needed more reasons not to watch the AS game.

BB: Do you know how happy it would make me if Gavin Rossdale's band sponsored a stadium? That would RULE. 

ED:  The D-Rays hire Fred McGriff as a special advisor.  Oh, you know a better man than me will through a Tom Emanski joke out there.  Phil?

PR: Are the Rays going to force the Florida tax payers to buy them new VCRs so they can watch the tapes? 

BB: Well hey, the D-Rays can't sell their ad space either -- do what ESPN does! Fill it with Emanski.

ED:  Hey!  Scott Rolen and Tony LaGenius still hate each other.  Aww.  Love's bitter tears. 

ED:  TROUBLE LIST!!!  D-Rays prospect Elijah Dukes is busted for pot possession.  Padres 2B Marcus Giles is busted for fighting at the Chargers playoff loss last week. 

PR: Vern Ruhle - former big league and Reds pitching coach - dead of cancer at 55. Nope, not a good month at all.

ED:  Angels PROSPECT!!! Dallas McPherson is expected to miss all of 2007 with a back injury.  Like I was not going to mention the one thing I’ve gotten right in all of our Baseball Previews.

BB: God. Baseball preview. Book. Other book. This is not going to be pretty in April. I may contract this out.

OTHER
ED:  Former NASCAR driver and announcer Benny Parsons dead at 65.

ED:  HEY!!!  The Australian Open started.  Yep, that's sadly going to replace the Girls Gone Wild video commercials for choking material at 3 AM for a couple of weeks, I am sure.

JS: Julia Mancuso keeps on trucking in the alpine World Cup, making the podium for the fifth straight time. She’s in third place overall as of this weekend.