The Week That Was
2/5/07 -
2/11/07
ED : Ed Agner : BB : Bill Barnwell : JS :
Justin Slotman : PR : Phil Rippa : MM: Marc Manning
ED:
Remember: we knew Bill
before he starred on Cold Pizza.
BB: Mornings bitches.
MM: Can you hook me up with
Kit...errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...
JS: Wait-did that actually happen, or
is this a metaphor or something? And do they need a Beijing
correspondent? I work cheaper than Lewis Johnson.
PR: Doing this website earns me
slightly less than I make working my sorta real job. My life sucks.
NBA
ED: Former player John Amaechi
is going to release a book and reveal that his is gay. NBA
commish Daniel Stern was prepared to fine for excessive happiness until
they explained what gay in this case meant.
BB: In other news, David Stern resigns
as NBA commissioner and is replaced by Daniel Stern. I don't know,
maybe someone saw Celtic Pride and thought he'd be a good fit. I have
no idea.
JS: Still-Daniel’s a step up over the
life model decoy who’s been running the league for the past five years.
ED: Sadly when Bill first
pointed this out to me, I only paid attention to the Jooge-esque screw
up of “reveal that his is gay.” Now I see the Daniel Stern bit
too. God, I want that on my grave.
PR: I was convinced that Ed would try
to fix it but instead of correcting Daniel he would think he got the
wrong Amaechi and change it to Don.
MM: The narrator from "The Wonder
Years" with full Luke Schenscher whitefro revealing Boston as getting
pick number three in 2007 is something out of a Bill Simmons night
terror.
ED: LAYIN' DOWN THA LAW!!!
Heat G Gary Payton is suspended one game for back talking a
referee. Bulls F Tyrus Thomas is fined $10K for stating he was
only in the slam dunk contest for an easy payday.
BB: Well, he wouldn't have slept with
me either.
ED: TROUBLE LIST!!!
Indiana Pacers Jamaal Tinsley, Marquis Daniels and Keith McLeod are
allegedly in trouble for their involvement in a fight with a bar
manager after a home loss to Golden State. Kings F Ron Artest
pays $1,942 to retrieve his impounded dogs.
BB: That is actually probably one of
the least weird things Ron Artest has done in a while.
JS: The Gil Arenas Revenge Tour
sputtered out in Portland. Nate McMillan’s name remains on the enemies
list.
PR: The Knicks had a fun week as
supposedly James Dolan said that Isiah’s job is safe and Eddie Curry
got some sort of tattoo on his chest bitching about not getting
selected to the All Star game. I could have probably worked that into
some sort of target tattoo joke but I don’t care that much.
MM: Dolan Fans -- Messier, Gretzky,
Mutombo. Not Dolan Fans -- NYC and people with no sense of humor.
NHL
ED: Yeah, so I guess we can just
talk about how cool it is that we can now connect Bill with Kit
Hoover. Sorta.
BB: Aww...I am pretty sure Kit
Hoover's been gone since '05. But shouldn't I be able to get a Deadspin
account now? I am part of BLOGGER BUZZ!!! Yeesh.
PR: Mark Messier wants to be GM of the
Rangers. Oh yeah - that seems par for the course.
PR: Teams have started wheeling and
dealing. We will let you know when someone you might have heard of gets
traded (which in Ed’s case basically means Wayne Gretzky).
AFL
ED: Uh yeah. Oddly, the
season isn't starting until March. Phil?
JS: Not Phil! Let’s see what I can
crib from Arenafan. Lincoln Kennedy-signs with Desperados. Grand
Rapids! Still has a franchise! Graziani! Still in Philadelphia!
PR: I am really curious to know if the
AFL will end up paying Kennedy more than the NFL Network. Because, for
once, I could see this as being a distinct possibility.
PR: And this isn’t really a story but
I am still on the fence with random former NFL QB signing amuses me
more - the KC Brigade signing Jonathan Quinn or Shaun King with Las
Vegas. Yes, I am seriously considering talking myself into an AFL
preview this year.
MM: Awww, you mopped up behind West
Texas A&M's head golf coach, Criag Whelihan - WELCOME TO THE
SABRECATS! And 3B? Aaron Boone is now playing FB/LB for the Utah Mitt
Romleys.
PR: Now you are just stealing jokes that I had already mentally written
for the AFL preview dream.
NCAA
ED: NATIONAL SIGNING DAY!!!! -
AKA, NATIONAL REVITALIZING THE CAR INDUSTRY DAY. THIS IS
OUUUUUUUUUR COOOOOOOOUNTRY!!! Or, I guess in USC's case, National
Beat Up On Reggie Bush Day. Whichever.
ED: An autopsy report reveals
the USC K Mario Danelo was incredibly drunk at the time of his
death. What? A college kid drunk? Get out! Most
importantly did Frank Solich drop some GHB in his drink?
BB: I have never seen a college
athlete drunk and would not ever mention this in a book I wrote or
anything no sir.
ED: Duke is still stinky.
A nation mourns.
JS: Hey-UConn stinks too! And we
neglected to mention Iona’s win over Rider a few weeks back. They are
now 1 and 24.
PR: Shocker that I have applied for a
few jobs at Iona and attended a Graduate Open House. Failure clearly
attracts failure.
SOCCER
BB: Italy's in chaos and most teams'
stadiums are still closed. So essentially every match looks like it's a
Juventus home game. Or a Middlesborough home game. Or a MetroStars home
game. I'm stealing Phil's gimmick aren't I? I should at least get paid
for it again. OK, moving on.
PR: I hate you.
BB: Dennis Wise is ANGRY because his
team was leaked to Crystal Palace before the match by one of his
players. Of course, Leeds still won. But they are unhappy. There are
fears of a WITCH HUNT!
BB: David Beckham returns to the
Madrid first team and scores. Does not take off shirt in fear of
revealing Anschutz tattoo on stomach.
BB: Something about Oleguer and a
hunger strike and ETA.
JS: Oh, and QPR fought the Chinese
national team in what looked like the soccer version of an empty arena
match.
JS: Colorado Rapids to remain Colorado
Rapids, and not to rebrand Euro-style as was previously reported in
this space. We regret the error. They did adopt a new shield and the
Avs’ colors, though.
PR: The FA bans homophobic chanting.
Another reason Matt Millen will not follow the other football.
PR: OH! Sam Allardyce says that
England is full of fatties and the national team will suck because of
it. I love soccer.
MLB
ED: Former Orioles P Steve
Barber dead at 67. Former Cardinals P Max Lanier dead at
91. Former Braves P Lew Burdette dead at 80. Former Yankee
player, Oriole manager and Marine Hank Bauer dead at 84.
BB: Poor poor people from Ball Four
dying. Ooh - new archetype for the never-happening Dead Pool II.
PR: My sister only told me twice about
Bauer. That would be the under on the number that I quoted Ed. Of
course - she was partly distracted because she was crashing the Thurman
Munson dinner for the fifth straight year.
ED: The Dominican Republic wins
the Caribbean World Series. God, Mexico doing their best
impersonation of the Baltimore Orioles during the series was a thing of
beauty.
BB: They sent the Japanese team an
e-mail? Wait, what was the Japanese team doing at the Caribbean World
Series?
ED: Cardinals 1B Albert Pujols
becomes an official US citizen. Well, he should know his American
History well enough to pass the citizenship test…considering he came to
America on the Mayflower. Oops. I mean, he is a young man
who does not like about his age…not his usage of PED's.
BB: Maybe we could get Jooge
citizenship. Then he could become an Orioles season ticket holder.
ED: The Diamondbacks hire Mel
Stottlemyre as a special pitching instructor. Aww, he renounces
his TRUE YANKEE-NESS!!!
BB: Does this mean he's not Andy
Pettite's friend?
ED: PLAYA MOVEMENT!!! The
Pirates sign CUBAN!!! Serguey Linares. The Reds sign PVC!!! Eddie
Guardado. The Nats sign, among others, P Tim Redding and OF
Michael Restovich. The Rangers sign P Bruce Chen. The A's
sign MVP!!! Shannon Stewart. The Mets sign P? Chan Ho Park.
P Jeff Fassero retires. Former Yankees OF Bernie Williams turns
down the team's offer of a minor league deal.
BB: Jeff Fassero will never retire. He
will come back in five years.
NFL
ED: Former Browns CB Tommy James
dead at 83.
ED: PRO BOWL!!! The AFC
wins the Pro Bowl on a late field goal, 31-28. In the process,
Saints QB Drew Brees goes down with a dislocated left elbow. Poor
poor New Orleans.
BB: And the worst part is that they
don't even have Adrian McPherson anymore.
PR: SEAN TAYLOR HIT A PUNTER REALLY
REALLY HARD!!!! GREATEST CORNER EVER IN FOOTBALL AND THIS PROVES IT!!!
SEE!!! SEE!!!
ED: The Cowboys hire Wade
Phillips as their new head coach. Sad to see that even the
Cowboys now have an anti-Cowboy bias.
BB: Awww....
ED: Former supervisor of NFL
officials, Earnie Frantz, files a suit against the league claiming he
was fired because of race. Nonsense. The NFL is not
racist…as long as those black folk know their place.
ED: We collectively weep for the
poor little Bears fan who is changing his name to Peyton Manning as
part of losing a Super Bowl bet. Well, I weep for him because
he's a Bears fan. But the Manning part sucks too.
BB: Better than Daniael Manning.
ED: We also collectively chuckle
at Andy Reid's junkie son. Well, we collectively chuckle at Andy
Reid. Being his son is reason enough to turn to smack.
BB: Awww...it's not like there weren't
enough things to chew on in the house.
ED: Of course, tempting me to
turn to smack - the Raiders hire Tom Friggin' Rathman as RB's
coach. Oh youth, where did you go?
ed_canseco (12:37:52 PM): WAIT
ed_canseco (12:38:03 PM): why did no
one tell me the Raiders hired Tom Rathman?
Bill_mcgwire (12:38:26 PM):
awwww...poor poor tecmo bowl memories
ed_canseco (12:38:33 PM): hehehehehe
ed_canseco (12:38:42 PM): you so
underetimate my age
ed_canseco (12:38:53 PM): whatever
that word was supposed to be
ed_canseco (12:39:03 PM): electronic
football, jack!
Bill_mcgwire (12:39:04 PM): oh no -
well they're my tecmo bowl memories
ed_canseco (12:40:42 PM): I am too old
for your new-fangled Nintendo tomfoolery
Bill_mcgwire (12:41:00 PM): awww
ed_canseco (12:42:15 PM): damn you and
your youth
ED: TROUBLE LIST!!!
Bengals CB Johnathan Joseph pleads not guilty to pot possession
charges. Titans CB Cortland Finnegan accepts a plea bargain to
get out of DUI charges. Bears DT Tank Johnson pleads guilty to
violating his probation. Former Falcons and Raiders CB Ray
Buchanan is busted for writing bad checks.
PR: Andre Rison is going to wrestle or
be on Pros vs. Joes or cock fight or sleep with the crazy member of the
Pussycat dolls or change the smoke detectors in his house or something.
There was definitely a note about him this week that I read somewhere
on this stupid internet thingy that I can’t find again.
OTHER
ED: David Gilland wins the pole
for the Daytona 500. Whee!
BB: Is he going to die in a homage to
Dale Earnhardt? No? Just turn left? OK. All set then thanks. Justin...
ED: EDDIE FRIGGIN’ FEIGNER…you
know, THE KING AND HIS COURT fast pitch softball pitching God, dead at
81. Yeah, and for those who wondered - Bill has no clue who this
is.
JS: FOUR CONTINENTS! KIMMIE MEISSNER!
Rules all of them! And she came back from sixth place after the short
program to win.Team Japan came up way small, with Emily Hughes and
Joannie Rochette taking the rest of the medals and Fumie Suguri
withdrawing after the short program. Evan Lysacek took men’s gold; Shen
& Zhao took pairs. Belbin and Agosto finally lost at Four
Continents, to Dubreuil and Lauzon, and by 1.61 points.
JS: Julia Mancuso and Lindsey Kildow
both got silvers at the World Cup, which is of course relatively great
for Americans but this appears to be the year of Anja Paerson. Bode
Miller: still underperforming.