The Week That Was
2/12/07 - 2/18/07

ED: Ed Agner : BB: Bill Barnwell : PR: Phil Rippa

ED: SNOW DAYS!!! And I didn’t even get a heart attack.

BB: My nipples are still frozen.

PR: Wait – is that what you meant by Cold Pizza? You kids and your lingo baffle me so.

NBA
ED: Oh, Tim Hardaway. As if you really want that job in the Lions front office.

BB: I've been debating with a whole bunch of people whether Tim Hardaway's played with a gay teammate before. I've been able to narrow it down to two men. Rony Seikaly is European and probably a little more open and "continental". Sure, he has the supermodel wife, but that never stopped a guy from experimenting. The other is Baby Jordan. How did Harold Miner's career peter out after three seasons? Right.

PR: Aww... maybe he wasn’t very good.

ED: NBA ALL STAR GAME!!! The West stomps the East 153-132. And there was the other sordid All Star Weekend stuff that I don’t give a crap about. Phil? Justin?

BB: It is a crime that Justin is not around this week since he is our best bet on someone who watched the All-Star Festivities. Umm...Marc?

PR: HEY! I watched way more of this than I ever imagined I would. The Bevetta/Barkley race was the greatest thing ever. Agent Zero was bestest during the weekend. (You can find the clip of him dunking off the trampoline yourself.) I enjoyed that not only was their cheating involved in that weird shootout thingy designed to remind people that the WNBA exists but you were basically watching Scottie Pippen’s FA workout. (For all you NBA scouts – call him if you need a half court shot in a meaningless charity competition hit. If you need a three from the top of the arc.... maybe he should have refused to leave the bench.) The dunk contest is basically only good for watching Nate Robinson make a fool out of himself every year. “Aww... he’s little. Let him keep dunking.” I mean it’s basically the equivalent of letting Jason McElwain play. Though McElwain probably could have dunked in less than 10 tries.

PR: Yes, as hinted above, Scottie Pippen has announced that he wants to return to the NBA and HE IS READY TO SIGN!!! Of course, he was immediately rumored to be signing with the Knicks.

NHL
ED: Umm…Peter Forsberg was traded. I…well no…I couldn’t pick him out of a police line up, but I’ve heard of him. Will that get me on Cold Pizza?

BB: God no. Peter Forsberg shockingly was not injured during minor turbulence on the flight over.

PR: Brendan Shanahan and Mike Knuble cripple each other. Poor poor old fragile bodies.

AFL
ED: Justin????

PR: Preseason games going on. The video game is coming out. IT’S IN THE GAME!!!

NCAA
ED: Oh, like I friggin’ care. March is still a few weeks away, people.

SOCCER
BB: Oh yeah. So here's what I can gather. Liverpool are on a trip to Portugal and they decide to go out for a bit of karaoke. Craig Bellamy is on stage singing, I don't know, Wonderwall or something, and he wants John Arne Riise to come up and join him. Mr. Arne Riise isn't particularly keen on this idea and turns Craig Bellamy down. Craig Bellamy is not particularly keen on that and is rather insistent that Mr. Arne Riise come up and join him. Mr. Arne Riise is certainly not particularly keen about that and allows the red mist to descend onto him. Some of it gets on Bellamy and he starts screaming back, swearing and trading insults with Riise. Everyone leaves and goes home. Since it's 2 AM, everyone goes to sleep, but Bellamy decides he needs to keep it real. He grabs a golf club out of his room, heads to Riise's, and attacks him with the golf club, bruising up his knees and legs real nice. I'm not sure who or how he was stopped but really I can't add anything to this besides Sid jokes and also note that there was a separate "boozy incident" involving Robbie Fowler, Jermaine Pennant, and Jerzy Dudek. I am going to speculate and say a mustache ride may have been involved.

PR: I kept expecting to see somewhere in the report Peter Crouch’s name and I was stunned it never appeared. Aww... the robot craze has died another death.

PR: The other quicky things to know: David Beckham gets red carded. Nope, that hasn’t happened before. Oh and Steve McClaren still hates Beckham. Iain Dowie takes over at Coventry. There are lots of ROQUE AGENTS~! or something. There was another brawl featuring teams from China. At least this time QPR was nowhere to be found. 

MLB
ED: INJURIES!!! Orioles P Kris Benson is already done for the season with a torn rotator cuff. Cubs P Kerry Wood is injured…falling out of a hot tub. Orioles P Jose Acevedo is injured in a motorcycle accident and will miss the entire 2007 season. Somehow this is all related to Anna Benson.

BB: Are you sure she didn't sire Anna Nicole Smith's child either???

PR: Well, my mom did proclaim this weekend that at least she knew that I didn’t father Anna Nicole’s baby.

ED: PLAYA MOVEMENT!!! The White Sox sign 1B/DH Eduardo Perez. The Orioles sign P Steve Trachsel. The Rockies sign P Matt Herges. The Padres sign MARINE!!! Cooper Brannan. The Yankees sign P Ron Villone. The Cubs trade P Jae Kuk Ryu to the Devil Rays for OF Andrew Lopez and P Gregor Reinhard. The Rangers sign UTL Desi Relaford. The Indians sign P Cliff Politte. The Nats sign OF Dmitri Young, 2B Ronnie Belliard and 3B Tony Batista. The Reds sign P Kerry Ligtenberg. The A’s claim P Lenny DiNardo off of waivers from the Red Sox. The Dodgers sign OF Choo Freeman. The Giants officially sign HOME RUN KING!!! Barry Bonds. Indians PVC!!! Keith Foulke retires. The Mets claim P Marcos Carvajal off of waivers from the D-Rays and sign TOAST!!! Sandy Alomar Jr. The Mariners sign SAVIOR!!! Aaron Small.

BB: Not only that, MUTILATED MARINE!!! Oh man, I hope we get some PICTURES!!! of him and COOPER BRANNAN'S HAND. Sorry. That Nats threesome is absolutely terrifying. And poor, poor, poor, poor Keith Foulke. You deserve better.

PR: Of course he deserves better. “Hey honey. My heart’s not really into pitching anymore. I get a little owie from I throw pitches. I am going to sit around and not do anything any more. But at least we live in Cleveland now!”

ED: A report out of Atlanta states that Time Warner has agreed to sell the Braves to the Liberty Media group. Captain Planet’s services are not expected to be retained in the switchover.

BB: How can I top that?

ED: Colorado attorney Troy Ellerman takes the fall for letting out the grand jury testimony in the BALCO case. But hey, jail may suck but at least his testicles are normal size.

BB: Well, for now.

ED: MLB is instituting a new rule that will give an automatic ejection and 10 day suspension to any non-pitcher caught scuffing baseballs. Aww, somewhere there is a Jooge joke ready to me made.

BB: Like, say, "me made".

ED: For Phil – YANKEE NEWZ!!! Manager Joe Torre states that he would like to come back next year. It’s also revealed that Joe Torre’s brother, Frank, needs another new body part – this time a kidney. (Yankees pitchers decide that if both of those situations come to pass, they will likely share a hospital room with Frank. Poor Scott Proctor’s slagged arm.) The Yankees announce they will wear black arm bands on their jerseys this season to honor the memory of Cory Lidle. (We lose on our wishes that it would merely be a pair of black wings rather than an arm band.) The Yankees and Mariano Rivera and Bernie Williams are not getting along. (Apparently, some people do not like the taste of toast in the Yankeed front office…nor the prospect of giving $15 million a year to a 37 year old PVC. Damn those large market benefits.) Yankees heir apparent to the throne – and George Steinbrenner’s son-in-law, Steve Swindal, is busted for DUI. (Poor guy, he could have just fainted and claimed it was in the Steinbrenner blood.) And Yankee P’s Mike Mussina and Carl Pavano are not getting along either. Ah yes, all of this in time for Phil’s return to New York. Hey, at least there’s no Eli Manning news, Phil.

PR: Well, Ron Villone only getting a minor league deal shows you just how UNTRUSTWORTHY!!! he is. God forbid Carl Pavano’s roster spot wasn’t held. Of all the things that I have been reminded the most of since moving back to NY is how much I loathe the fans of the teams I love. If they had their way, no true Yankee would ever leave. “BERNIE NEEDS TO BE ON THE TEAM!!! PAUL O’NEILL SHOULD BE STARTING!!! WHY CAN’T JOE PEPITONE GET A JOB?!?!?!?! I SAW MOOSE SKOWRON AT OLD TIMERS DAY!!! HE CAN STILL SWING A BAT!!! I THINK JOHNNY BLANCHARD STILL HAS BOTH OF HIS ORIGINAL HIPS!!!”

NFL
ED: OK. I’ll throw this out here to make up for mocking Phil about the Yankees - The Giants release LB's LaVar Arrington and Carlos Emmons, KR Chad Morton and OT Luke Petitgout. Wow! Already they’ve had a better offseason than the Cowboys.

PR: Sweet sweet Jerry Reese.

ED: The Chargers fire head coach Marry Schottenheimer. Aww, as if he’s Buck Showalter or something.

BB: Yup - I am not editing "Marry Schottenheimer". No sir.

ED: Giants T Bob Whitfield retires. Suzy Kolber sheds a tear.

BB: Does she have a thing for 45 year old offensive lineman???

PR: She likes headbutts after the play ends??? Marc should have really shown up this week to answer these pressing questions.

ED: Oh, Tom Brady. As if you really want that job in the Lions front office. As if you really don’t want to give your love the Peter King too.

BB: Is the Peter King a new term for abortion? Can you abort people by smothering their stomachs?

ED: Tom Brady testifies in the Charlie Weis malpractice suit. Apparently, he is merely telling everyone that Weis’ penis could indeed be found under the blubber since Peter King…Wait. He was testifying FOR Charlie Weis? OK. Never mind.

ED: Retired NFL players file a lawsuit against the NFL Union for not representing them properly and for owing them millions of dollars in licensing fees. Aww, that’s cute. As if those guys will live long enough to see the suit settled. Whoops! Must not point out the early deaths of NFL players.

BB: Are they sick of editing their names into the Super Bowl teams in Madden? Cause, you know, you can download patches for that. I hear.

PR: That would require me to connect my console to the internet, wouldn’t it?

ED: TALKING HEAD NEWZ!!! Former Giants RB Tiki Barber signs a TV deal with NBC to fulfill his dream of being on the Today show. Sweet Jesus, and I thought I had low expectations in life. Former Steelers coach Bill Cowher joins CBS’ pregame show. Holy crap, Cowher and Sterling Sharpe in the battle of God’s cruel jokes on faces in one pregame show!

PR: Supposedly Cowher is replacing Sharpe. Poor poor JB.

BB: Michael Irvin leaves ESPN, too. Now it'll be the Bestest Damn Sports Show Ever.

ED: TROUBLE LIST!!! DRUNKEN NAKED LIONS COACH!!! Joe Cullen is given two years probation and is forced to attend AA for his MANLY EXPLOITS!!! Chiefs DE Jared Allen gets two days in jail for DUI.

OTHER
ED: Apparently, what I’ve learned is that everyone is NASCAR is a cheater and everyone is like starting the season docked of like 5 billion points. Oooo. Those crafty NASCAR guys! THIS will make the race for the title even more exciting!

BB: Anytime you make the South do math with negative numbers I figure bad things are going to happen.

ED: Kevin Harvick wins the Daytona 500. God, did I really not need to hear another word about the Daytona 500…or Brittney Spears…or Anna Nicole.

PR: I watched the last 13 laps which last about 45 minutes. (It was in HD and it will probably be the only NASCAR I watch this year.) It did feature two fine fine wrecks. I thought the highlight was going to be Aidan yelling at the screen “WEEEEE!!!!” as the cars raced by but it turned out to be my Mom yelling at the TV screen as Clint Bowyer’s car went on fire. “GET OUT OF THE CAR!!! GET OUT OF THE CAR!!! It made me giggle way more than it should have.

PR: Phil Mickelson coughed away a tournament he should have won to Charles Howell III. A few less HoHos and a few more practice putts might have helped Lefty.