The Week That Was
2/26/07 - 3/4/07

JS: I hope you brought your driver's license, passport, two additional forms of identification and proof of employment when you picked it up.

ED:  I am amused that anyone would think that Ohio would take precautions about the abuse of over-the-counter drugs.  HAVE YOU BEEN TO OHIO, JUSTIN?  We have Nyquil in our drinking water now.

PR: I wish I hadn’t used all my NyQuil and DayQuil up. Curse you flu.

NBA

ED:  Portland President and GM Steve Patterson resigns.  Wow!  Who would leave a dream job like that?

ED: All video footage of Shaun Livingston's knee explosion need not be forwarded my way, thanks.

PR: This is probably exactly what would happen if I ever tried to dunk again. So so so so very ugly.

ED:  Lakers F Vladimir Radmanovic is fined by the team for injuring his shoulder while snowboarding then lying about said snowboarding.  Well, hmm…fined for snowboarding…giving big bucks after an alleged rape.  OK.  Whatever. 

MM: He was visiting Vlade Divac on the trip. “Vlad and Vlad.” If ABC will pick up a script about the caevmen from GEICO living in ATL, how far behind is a sitcom featuring two hairy skiing Ukranians? I'm sure Bronson Pinchot's not busy.

NHL

ED:  TRADE DEADLI--Oh.  Come on.  Look below to see what state I was in this week.

HICKEY SECTION!!!

EdIsNyquiled: God, the Indians wanting to give huge money to Sabathia is...

EdIsNyquiled: wow

BillTakesAdvantageOfOldPeople: well fudge i mean - sabathia or gil meche?

EdIsNyquiled: why don't they just have him ride around in a boat?

EdIsNyquiled: well, neither

BillTakesAdvantageOfOldPeople: i think you know the answer to that question ed

BillTakesAdvantageOfOldPeople: you want to spend your time building a boat that can hold cc sabathia?

EdIsNyquiled: worked for Noah

BillTakesAdvantageOfOldPeople: misawa

BillTakesAdvantageOfOldPeople: ?

EdIsNyquiled: aww

EdIsNyquiled: you really want this to be the hickey section

EdIsNyquiled: oof

BillTakesAdvantageOfOldPeople: HICKEY SECTION!!!!

EdIsNyquiled: HAH

EdIsNyquiled: stupid Nyquil

BillTakesAdvantageOfOldPeople: you have to have a hockey section

BillTakesAdvantageOfOldPeople: and then make a separate hickey section

EdIsNyquiled: aww, you want to blow Phil's mind

BillTakesAdvantageOfOldPeople: i could not be any happier than i am right now

BillTakesAdvantageOfOldPeople: god, hickey section is beautiful

EdIsNyquiled: hehehehe

EdIsNyquiled: oh, Phil loves that so much too

PR: I am now pushing for Hickey Section to become our celebrity gossip section.

AFL 

WEEK ONE!!!

ED:  HOLY CRAP!!! COLUMBUS WON?!?!? ON THE ROAD?!?!?!  Aww, poor little Nashville.  58-56 Columbus.

MM: Storm winning the War on I-4, Tampa Bay over '06 runner-ups Orlando. Stupid no players going Ironman on offense and defense, now the highlights of this game indicated missed field goals aren't live balls anymore when the guy from TB missed 1,865 of them.

JS:  That was a Gramatica! And they were all extra points, which I don't think you could ever run back.

MM: I blame the lack of audio for not knowing they were one pointers.

JS: Anyway, he was 0-4 on the tiny tiny uprights.

ED:  FOXBORO, here he comes!

PR: This was so easily the highlight of my week.

JS: VooDoo 61, Utah 63! Emotional win for the returning Voo--hey, who's booking this?

PR: God – the Utah Blaze is so the worst nickname around. Unless, of course, it refers to the Mormons’ burning lions. Then it’s the greatest ever.

JS: Force 69, Rattlers 65. Sherdrick Bonner still a million years old.

PR: Aww... another Arizona football team who isn’t living up to their potential.

JS: KANSAS CITY 54, RUSH 41! UPSET!!! Of the 7-9 fluke champions! Jaws acted like the Jordan-era Bulls were losing.

PR: Still, Jaws is far better as color man than hype machine for Bon Jovi.

JS: Hee hee--Dallas 60, New York 7. Yes, the ABC strategy of televising games that are huge rivalries in the NFL pays off yet again. Oh--and Mike and Mike were not nearly as bad as I was anticipating, though I was setting the bar pretty low (which is “Bill Simmons and a college buddy watch St Mary's play San Diego.”)

ED:  Oh yeah, I cringed when I Mike & Mike come on, but they were merely dull instead of horrible.  Of course, when the game’s over after the first play from scrimmage, maybe it’s not all the annoncers there.

PR: Poor poor Aaron Garcia. I miss thee so. Of course, the fact that Rohan Davey is the Dragons THIRD string QB is fairly great. Oh poor poor Patriots fanboy dream.

JS: Actual upset! Rampage 44, Crush 42! Well, who can tell what's an upset with everybody hiring actual linemen this year.

JS: Glads 36, Austin 57. Ah, another compelling season of indoor football in Vegas.

PR: But but, LV signed SHAUN KING!!!! HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BRING THEM TO THE PROMISED LAND!!!

JS: SaberCats 66, Avengers 58! This game basically turned on the Avengers going for the onsides kick on the first possession of the game and missing it, and San Jose succeeding at the same play in the third quarter. It was a hole the Avengers never quite climbed out of, even with the last minute of play lasting 20 actual minutes.

ED:  So you’re saying Andy Reid is coaching the Avengers now?

NCAA

ED:  A bus containing Bluffton University baseball players en route to Florida flips over on a Georgia highway killing 4 players and the husband and wife drivers of the bus.

JS: BIG DANCE! INVITATIONS EXTENDED!!!!! Penn beat Yale to clinch the tourney-free Ivy. Belmont won the Atlantic Sun. BIG SOUTH! Winthrop over UPSTART! VMI and the ridiculous run-n-gun offense. MVC!!!! CREIGHTON!!! Over SIU, who should also get in. CBS cared enough to send Clark Kellogg. THE MVC IS BIG TIME! Eastern Kentucky took the Ohio Valley over Austin Peay. Davidson took the Southern.

MM: The liquid coming from Tyler Hansbrough's nose symbolized his bleeding chances of ever being more than Nick Collison. Roy Williams' white college post players are quickly becoming Duke former Players of the Year.

JS: Lax drew 20,000 to a double-header in Baltimore. Hopkins beat Princeton (who was ranked first at the time) and Virginia beat Syracuse.

MM: Jim Brown sheds a tear.

SOCCER

JS: Like I watched any soccer this week. (Actually, the couple of times I flipped to Setanta Fabien Barthez was there. It's weird. Nantes is in the relegation zone, and Barthez has vowed to retire/quit for the eighth time if they get sent down, and Setanta is bringing us every minute of it.) But--via the Internet I learn that Schalke's lead is down to 3 points after this weekend. The rest of Europe is West Coast Conference-level competitive.

JS: Oh--and CHAMPIONS CUP! It's just like Champions League! We swear! United advanced over CD Olympia (from Honduras), and Houston over Puntarenas FC (of Costa Rica.) This is sure to gain MLS more respect! Yes! Absolutely!

PR: The West Ham/Tottenham was fairly great and everyone should track it down on YouTube or BitTorrent or whatever the kids use nowadays. God Bless the 4000 minutes of stoppage time.

MLB

ED:  Former Dodgers P Clem Labine dead at 80.

ED:  The HOF Veteran's Committee voted in…no one.  Mmm, bitter HOF'ers.

PR: I enjoyed that my sister tried to hid her Thurman Munson disappointment by constantly bringing up how Gil Hodges would never get in.

MM: FERGIE JENKINS! was signing autographs at Friday's game v. Angels in Mesa. I put this here because [a] I saw the word “veteran” and initials “HOF” and [b] I was more hoping to see someone who looked like Baseball Prospectus's Joe Sheehan. Although the Fergie in music videos would have been OK. Mmmmmmmmmmmmm, cakey make-up jobs melting in the AZ sun…

ED:  Tommy LaSorda.  LA hookers. God, Nyquil can only do so much to rid me of the pain.

ED:  Barry Bonds reveals he receives death threats all the time.  Oh, poor-poor Barry Bonds.  Hard to believe no one likes him.

MM: You'd think since his head has grown into the shape of long-time Incredible Hulk nemesis The Leader, somewhere inside that massive cranial hemisphere would be a tinge of knowledge about or compassion for people who may have really been killed by nutjobs because they were black homerun hitters. I ramble…

JS: Actually, gamma radiation was never on the banned substances list. Maybe Barry's telling the truth.

PR: I had sent Ed a joke here which of course is nowhere to be found and I don’t remember it. It was a giant head joke which I am sure wouldn’t trump Marc’s.

ED:  The Marlins are horked that former-Manager Joe Girardi helped out Phillies P Jon Lieber during the stretch drive last season.  You know what that means MORE MARLIN FIRE SALES!!!

ED:  Dodger P Matt White may be a billionaire thanks to his buying 50 acres of land from an elderly aunt and said land being full of some sort of valuable stone that apparently is neither gold nor diamonds nor coal.  Well, the coal is White on a pitchers mound, but you know what I mean.

ED:  CARD NEWZ!!!  A Honus Wagner baseball card THE Honus Wagner baseball card that was once owned by Wayne Gretzky sells for $2.3 million at auction.  All our copies of Mike Cruddale's rookie cards, still useless.  Topps' Derek Jeter card has George W. Bush's and Mickey Mantle's faces superimposed in the background.  Oh, as if people need more reason to hate Derek Jeter.

MM: The only way you auction that card is if Rock Tocchet's associates have your wife hanging upside down by her toenails in an Asbury Park basement wanting their collection from seven years of idiotic Super Bowl betting. Oh, hrm.

ED:  The estate of Cory Lidle is being sued for $7.3 million by a New York dentist to the famous for Lidle's plane crash wrecking his home.  In other news, the estate of Yankees 3B Alex Rodriguez is being sued by Yankees fans for wrecking their playoff hopes.

MM: “Dentist to the famous” only trumps “gynecologist to the wealthy” as jobs you should not attach to your name in an AP report. I'm sure no one cares you handled Al Sharpton's gaping root canal or Helen Mirren's troubling pap smear.

ED:  I reckon that’s still better than handling Al Sharpton’s troubling root canal and Helen Mirren’s gaping pap smear.

ED:  The Padres announce they are going to unveil a statue of Tony Gwynn outside of Petco Park in July.  To get their money's worth out of the statue, in the offseason, said statue will be rented out to local McDonalds for a Grimace statue in their playlands.

PR: Aww... is PETA going to protest that too? I mean Gwynn certainly ate his share of animals.

ED:  PLAYA MOVEMENT!!!  The Reds sign P Dustin Hermanson.

NFL

ED:  FREE AGENCY CUTZ!!!  Joey Porter, Drew Bledsoe, Keenan McCardell, Joe Horn, Steve Foley, Terrence Kiel, Antonio Bryant, Fred Smoot, Jermaine Wiggins, Mike Rosenthal, Adam Timmerman, Ross Verba, Brian Simmons, Eric Moulds, Seth Payne, Zach Wiegert, Jamal Lewis, Brad Johnson, Christian Fauria, Derrick Blaylock, Bobby Hamilton, Erron Kinney, Kenyatta Walker, Brandon Stokley are among many others are looking for employment.  Yes, I know.  All of them will become Raiders just to make me hate football. 

ED:  FREE AGENCY SIGNINGS BEGIN!!!  The 49ers sign CB Nate Clements, WR Ashlie Lelie and DT Aubrayo Franklin.  The Bucs sign QB Jeff Garcia.  The Pats sign LB Adalius Thomas, TE Kyle Brady and RB Sammy Morris.  The Rams sign WR Drew Bennett.  The Chiefs sign T Damion McIntosh.  The Redskins sign CB Fred Smoot.  The Browns sign G Eric Steinbach.  The Jags sign WR Dennis Northcutt.  The Lions sign DE Dewayne White.  The Cowboys sign G Leonard Davis.  The Texans sign RB Ahman Green.  The Browns sign CB Kenny Wright.

ED: PLAYA MOVEMENT!!! Panthers TE Kris Mangum retires.  The Broncos trade RB Tatum Bell and T George Foster to the Lions for CB Dre Bly.  The Broncos trade QB Jake Plummer to the Bucs for a 4^th round draft pick…whoops!  Jake the Snake opts to “retire” rather than play for Chucky maybe.  The Lions trade James Hall to the Rams for an undisclosed draft pick.  The Dolphins trade DT Dan Wilkinson to the Broncos for a 6^th round pick.  God, it's weeks like this that makes me wish Joe wasn't trapped in Bob Pollard's basement.

MM: Momma Plummer says  her son is JUST LIKE his good friend Pat Tillman they would always “do something unexpected.” Yes. They are EXACTLY the same person. This is what happens when morons talk to the Denver Post. The only two things I should bring myself to remember about Jake Plummer is thumping #1 Nebraska in '96 and winning a wild card game at Dallas in '98. Now his “something unexpected” ability to hit 144 defenders with passes in a Cards uniform levels him in eyes of St. Peter with Pat Tillman. Why couldn't she have been teaching at Columbine?

JS: The retirement stuck at least through Sunday. Good thing the Bucs also signed Jeff Garcia!

ED:  The Bears re-sign head coach Lovie Smith to a 4-year contract extension and GM Jerry Angelo to a 6 year extension.  Aww, that's cute how the Bears seem to forget that the two of them are responsible for Rex Grossman.

ED:  Former Cowboys CB Everson Walls donates a kidney to former Cowboys RB Ron Springs.  Sadly, I put this in with no joke, hoping someone would make a better “Michael Irvin will follow suit and donate his coke nose to Nate Newton” joke than I could make.  But no.  Slackers.

ED:  Dr. Elliott Pellman resigns as head of NFL's committee on concussions.  When asked for comment, Troy Aikman forgets the question 3 times before he rambles on about what a good guy Joe Buck is.

ED:  Former Cowboys, Giants, Jets and Pats head coach Bill Parcells is going to take a TV gig with ESPN…in between heart attacks, of course.

ED: A Wisconsin grocery store clerk is indicted on charges of conveying false information for allegedly posting all over the internet about “dirty bombs” being placed at several NFL stadiums.  Oh, that was no hoax.  There was a dirty bomb in Oakland all season.

ED:  TROUBLE LIST!!!  Oh, Pacman Jones!  That ODB impersonation is amazing.

OTHER

ED:  An internet steroids ring is busted and boxer Evander Holyfield and Angels Money Pit Gary Matthews Jr are implicated in buying 'roids from said ring.  Aww, they bought meds on-line.  I bet they have incredibly large penises now too.

JS: Julia Mancuso! Ties for first with Renate Goetschl on the overall World Cup points standings. Yay for tiaras!

JS: Shani Davis! Once again the world's fastest at the 1500m speedskating! Or once again and still the fastest. You know what I mean.

JS: Team USA swept the World Juniors championships--a good sign for after the Meissner Interregnum.

JS: FIS NORDIC WORLD SKI CHAMPIONSHIPS! In Sapporo!!! This was a whole lot of Finland and Norway as far as I can tell. Bill Demong of Vermont was the only American who left with a medal, a silver in the Nordic combined--apparently only the second-ever podium for an American at this level.

JS: Toby Dawson tearfully reunited with his biological father in Korea. I use this non-bitterly: Awwww…..

ED:  There was a NASCAR race in Mexico won by Columbian, Juan Pablo Montoya.  Montoya runs teammate Scott Pruett off the road in said race, angering Pruett.  Right.  Doing the hometown job to Montoya in a “legit” sporting event doesn’t bother Pruett.  Getting ran into the grass does.  OK.  Whatever.