The Week That Was 11/20/06 - 11/26/06
ED: Yeah. Taking the holiday week off. Time to pass this off onto someone who doesn’t celebrate Thanksgiving. JOOOOOOGE!!!!
JC: We too celebrates Thanksgiving in Upper San Zimbazslovavia. Our Thanksgivings is the third week of what you call Octobruary when harvest comes and we eat up bean from country field. We no celebrate this year because Lower San Zimbazslovavia steal or royal chicken! We no can celebrate with out Gabriella! We know you have her, Lower San Zimbazslovavia! Where else you get 3 head chicken? Your chicken only had 2 head! It no grow head overnight, Lower San Zimbazslovavia! You not fool us!
NFL
JC: Former Eagles and Cardinals DB Andre Walters dead of self-inflect gun shot at 44.
JC: INJURIES!!! Cardinal DE Bertrand Berry (out season with tricep), Packers QB Aaron Rogers (out season with broked foot), Jags CB Donovin Darius (out season with broked leg), Broncos S Nick Ferguson (out season with knee), Titans TE Ben Troupe (out season with broked ankle), Bucs DE Simeon Rice (out season with shoulder) , Patriots LB Junior Seau (out season with breaked arm)
JC: PLAYA MOVEMENT!!! Packers sign QB Todd Bouman. Eagles sign QB Omar Jacobs. 49ers sign LB Hannibal Navies. Patriots sign P Ken Walter. Bears sign CB Andre Lott.
JC: FINES!!! Broncos C Tom Nalen and Chargers DE Igor Olshansky are fined for fighting and cutting blocks. Nalen losed $25K for cutted block, Olshansky losed $10K for punching Nalen because of Nalen cutting him with block. That a lot of jimmy punches they could have made instead.
JC: TROUBLE LIST!!! Bears CB Ricky Manning Jr. suspend one game for beating up Denny’s eater with shoe. 49ers WR Antonio Bryant arrested for drunking drive.
JC: Eagle name Jeff Garcia as QB after Donovan McNabb chunky soup injured. Tibor and me try to think of gay joke good but Matt Millen not approve.
JC: Raiders DT Warren Sapp say he no eat when on road since he get food poisoned. I tell Tibor that Sapp can go on road for year and no eat without any problems since he so fat. Tibor tell me that Sapp get traded to Upper San Zimbazslovavia for same thing.
JC: Michael Irvin expert ESPN analyst tell world that Cowboy QB Tony Romo is fast because maybe his great-great-great-great grandmum have sex with slave. We know ESPN only hire best and bright and sexy, so this must be true. So you no call Michael Irvin crazy to us. But now Tibor and me wonder if Peter King will not make Romo good QB call now that he may be black and Peter King only like white.
FINISHING OFF WEEK ELEVEN
JC: Jack Del Rio is sharp dress man. Look like QG rock star MTV superman hot. Hachacha! I hope Linda Cohn no see and think that too. I no compete with that. Hope she like Eli Manning better. I compete good with Eli Manning. Jags 26, Giants 10.
WEEK TWELVE!!!
JC: Joey Harrington play piano like Tibor and me play comb like harmonica. That no make any of us gay, Matt Millen. Dolphins 27, Lions 10.
JC: I ask Tibor if Joe Buck not liked by Matt Millen since he all gooey in pants for Tony Romo like teen girl for Upper San Zimbazslovavia Idol winner. Tibor ask me how I get Fox on satellite since no one get Fox. I can no answer, I feel dumb like Troy Aikman when asked what day it is. Cowboys 38, Bucs 10.
JC: No one see this game. Even magic satellite no pick up NFL Network. Since it KC-Denver, we no mind. Chiefs 19, Broncos 10.
JC: The Vikings go sex boat cruise happy over Matt Leinart smooth sexy Cardinals, 31-26.
JC: Redskin go Jesus wowza with Jason Campbell like fine run NASCAR God at QB and shock steroided Panthers, 17-13.
JC: Bengals win battle of Ohio over Browns, 30-0. This like winning war between Upper and Lower San Zimbazslovavia but no 3 heard chicken in Ohio.
JC: Chad Pennington discover power of his weak vagina and lead Jets over Texans, 26-11.
JC: Buffalo no like GQ look of Jack Del Rio and tell him only sissy has pretty hair. Buffalo smart like me, Linda. Bills 27, Jags 24.
JC: Even funny spot on Drew Brees face better than Michael Vick now! Madden curse cause Vick to have funny spots on jimmy and not good QB anymore that make him flip off fans, I bet. Stupid Madden. Saints 31, Falcons 13.
JC: Baltimore stab Steelers and have prison sex with Ben Roethlisberger while Steve McNair’s labia flies free and easy like real QB superstar! Ravens 27, Steelers 0.
JC: Rams coach brother in law to guy who played Jesus why Rams go good so well over team that have Hitler as head coach! Jesus no like Hitler, 49ers! Rams 20, 49ers 17.
JC: LaDainian Tomlinson superhot sexy RB that Coach Schottenheimer no choke yet! I laugh at Ed and new tuck rule call that make him punch wall. HAHA. Chargers 21, Raiders 14.
JC: New England good and white why Peter King make over them like fresh latte double shot with triple cream of Brady special! If Lovie Smith was whiter, Peter King might think they could beat super Patriots! Instead he dreams of what under Bill Bellichick’s hood. Patriots 17, Bears 13.
JC: Giants learn choke from Yankees is become new choke town special! HAHAH, Giants! Vince Young steal heart like Dave Roberts steal Yankee soul! Titans 24, Giants 21.
SUNDAY NIGHT
JC: Colts and Eagles play on Sunday night. This not show here for till 3 weeks from Yesterday. I not going to spoil by looking ups.
NCAA
JC: University Miami fire football coach Larry Coker. I tell Tibor he go seek out guy on crutches to beat up for revenge. Tibor say Coker get job with ESPN where all Miami guys go. I hope he can be as good as Michael Irvin.
JC: In mores coaching moved – Alabama fires football coach Mike Shula, NC State fireds football coach Chuck Amato, Arizona State fireds football coach Dirk Koetter, Michigan States hire Mark Dantonio is new football coach.
JC: Florida State football coach Bobby Bowden say he fire son as offensive coordinator because people listen to internets like ebay. OK, Bobby. But only internets site I listen to is Linda Cohn wikipedia page. It no tell me nothing I don’t want to hear.
SOCCER
JC: Upper San Zimbazslovavia reveal new soccer jersey!! It is, what you Americans call, swaky! I show you here:
I know, you think this is cold and I want to buy on internets. But there is couple wrong thing, before you buy like gangfire. First, they spell name of country wrong. Graphic company give discounted so we no mind so much. But too they get country logo wrong. It supposed to be proud seal of country with Gabriella jumping over fence with blood of enemy on talon. Graphic company say they spill coffee on logo and give us more discounted. We not rich country. Lower San Zimbazslovavia get all asbestos mine. So we no mind so much either. We happy with especial since jersey is scotched guard for grass stains and we really need in internationals game.
NBA
JC: Former Harlem Globetrotter Chris Sandy dead from car wreck at 27. I hope he confuse everyone at funeral by have confetti fly out of coffin.
JC: Nuclear waste disposal company, EnergySolutions, buy naming right to Utah Jazz arena. I guess that shorter name than Lower San Zimbazslovavia. Hahahaha. In face you, Lower San Zimbazslovavia!
JC: Heat C Shaquille O'Neal out 4-6 weeks with knee injury. I tell Tibor I hope this not keep him from releasing new rap album. Tibor tell me if no Fu-Schnickens he no care.
NHL
JC: Columbus Blue Jackets hire former Flyer coach Ken Hitchcock as new head coach. Wow! From Philadelphia to Coumbus. Only further step down would be to Lower San Zimbazslovavia. HAHHAH! Bring back Gabriella and I stop make joke, Lower San Zimbazslovavia!
JC: Chicago Blackhawk fire head coach Trent Yawney and replace withs Denis Savard. I know no any of this. I just make sure to put hockey in to make Linda Cohn happy.
MLB
JC: Former Oriole P Pat Dobson died at 64.
JC: PLAYA MOVEMENT!!! The Marlins trade P's Adam Bostick and Jason Vargas to the Mets for P's Matt Lindstrom and Henry Owens and Chris Resop to the Angels for P Kevin Gregg. A’s sign P Scott Dunn. Mets decline options on P Tom Glavine and claims P Jason Standridge off waiver from Reds. Dodgers sign OF Juan Pierre. Diamondbacks DFA P Randy Choate. Reds trade C Jason LaRue to Royals for PTBNL. Angels sign OF Gary Matthews Jr. Devil Rays releases P Doug Waechter. Orioles sign OF Roger Cedeno and PVC!!! Danys Baez. The Astros sign OF Carlos Lee and P Woody Williams. The Brewers traded P Doug Davis P Dana Eveland and OF David Krynzel to the Diamondbacks fro C Johnny Estrada and P's Claudio Vargas and Greg Aquino.
JC: AWARDS!!! Phillies 1B Ryan Howard win NL MVP and Twin 1B Justin Morneau win AL MVP. Red Sox 1B Kevin Youklis is named Most Valuable Jew. Cardinal SCRAPE! David Eckstein and Tigers SCRAPEY! Brandon Inge win the NL & AL Holiday Inn Look Again Players of the Year.
JC: Dominican Republic prosecute say White Sox SS Juan Uribe no shoot people because they see him play too and know he hit nothing.
OTHER
JC: Former featherweight box champion Willie Pep dead for 84.
JC: LPGA announce they start drug testing for womens next year. Tibor and I both say they better not test for testosterone since all womens golfer too manly and no one to play.