The Week That Was
(12/4/06 - 12/10/06)

ED: All Asian Games, all the time. That allows me to take my precious 4 day weekend and Justin can make the WTW all his sweet own.

JS: Yes! I am here. You have to get through that giant paragraph that talks about where all the baseball players who used to play one place and are now playing somewhere else before you get to my Asian Games thing, though.

NFL
ED: INJURIES!!! Pats S Eugene Wilson (out for the season with a bad hamstring and groin), Bucs WR Michael Clayton (done for the season with a bad knee), Bills LB Angelo Crowell (done for the season with a broken leg), Lions DT Shaun Rogers (done for the season with a bad knee)

ED: PLAYA MOVEMENT!!! The Pats sign S Ray Mickens. The Bills sign LB Roy Manning. The 49ers waive S Tony Parrish. The Packers claim WR Carlyle Holiday off of waivers from the Cards.

MM: Ummm, Chad Johnson is bound to be fined for his orange chin strap last week.

ED: TROUBLE LIST!!! Saints DT Hollis Thomas is suspended four games for roiding. Bengals CB Deltha O'Neal is busted for DUI.

MM: I always thought muscles were a sure byproduct of steroids. Hollis Thomas is more gooey than the dumpster behind Oprah's cosmetologist.

PR: BUT HE CAN’T BREATHE!!! ASTHMA ATTACKS ARE NOT TO BE TRIFFILED WITH!!! HIS LUNGS NEEDED THE JUICE TO PREVENT FROM CONSTRICTING!!! YOU HAVE NO IDEA!!!!!

ED: NBC flex schedule fun ‐ for the week of 12/17, the San Diego-KC game was moved to the night game, the Dolphins-Bills game was moved to 4 PM and the Eagles-Giants game was also moved to 4 PM. Anyone care?

PR: Well I do in that it means a Giant loss will only ruin my ability to sleep as opposed to my afternoon and evening.

ED: Rams QB Marc Bulger calls out his o-line for not trying hard enough. Yeah, that’s a sure-fire way to keep you from getting killed, Bulger.

PR: Aww… does this mean they won’t be getting Isotoners for Christmas?

MM: Bulger specifically excused Torry Holt, Issac Bruce, Stephen Jackson, and the entire defense. Um, no one's been blocking Julius Peppers. Preparation has nothing to do with Alex Barron being twitchy yet too slow to block Chike Okafor. But at least Bulger's got the Warner-face-scruff working. That, and butch looking wives always plays well in the STL.

PR: Richie Incognito is so bound to be a Giant with his inability to go a play without a hold or personal foul.

ED: An 81 year old Texas woman is accused of trying to extort lesser-Packer QB God Bart Starr of $2 million for trying to spill the beans about their alleged sordid affair in the 60’s. God, do I not need to think of that.

PR: Ooof… I just pitched Anne Richards mounting face. I wanna die.

MM: Prince picked to perform at halftime of Super Bowl 41. Definite upgrade. Just popping in a tape of his video for "Cream" or the Carmen Electra "audition" tape from when The Artist discovered her would be fine.

FINISHING OFF WEEK THIRTEEN!!!
ED: The Eagles top the Panthers, 27-24. Jeff Garcia-mania!

PR: PHILLY IS HOMO FOR HOMO!!! Or something.

WEEK FOURTEEN!!!
MM: Pittsburgh minus three starters plus Willie Parker multiplied by Faneca and Marvel Smith = 27 when you play Cleveland. While the only people in America to receive the NFL Network are Roger Goodall and Paul Zimmerman, I've had the chance to listen to Bryant Gumbel, Sports Commentator. Milton from "Office Space" on uppers is the closest comp.

PR: I would approve of Bryant Gumbel setting himself or the booth on fire.

PR: Atlanta running backs drop like flies and Michael Vick has like two yards of rushing. So, of course, the Falcons beat Tampa Bay. Poor poor Chucky.

PR: The Eagles beat the horrific Redskins and they are suddenly THE GREATEST TEAM IN THE WORLD NOT LEAD BY TONY ROMO!!!! WILD CARD!!!!

PR: The Giants finally figure out how to win an absolute must game. Of course, they needed to find the one team they could out cripple to do so. Of course, since U-Squared rightly yelled at the pourous secondary - all Joe Buck could talk about was how the Giants were in turmoil. I can't believe there isn't a single person out there who could get around the waiting period and take care of this problem. Grr...

PR: Jacksonville/Indy was a fine, fine game. Oh yes indeed. I will allow Justin to gloat.

MM: If Tony Dungy could get the Gatorade commercial Peyton Manning that rips out of a football to start at linebacker, maybe Jones-Drew and the rest of the league won't run for 6,982,165 yards a game.

PR: Aww… Miami is suddenly hot. I am sure somehow this will not be Tom Brady's fault.

PR: Something very very special about the Lions getting smacked by a guy who they cut earlier in the season. That should add at least 2 more years to any Matt Millen contract extension.

PR: But Dan Dierdorf told me that the Chiefs NEVER LOSE IN DECEMBER. I am so confused.

MM: Giving your players five days off after being shut out by Cincinnati is the new geniusnosity from Coach Billick. Why this doesn't carry over to other careers, I'll never know. Garbage man misses 7 stops on his route, gets 4 days added to vacation leave. That fast food workers that ratted in a Cowboy coach's salad gets a trip to Tahiti. And Enron execs that swindled employees out of millions get the rest of their life off...errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...

PR: Aww… another week more "The Texans are fools for drafting Mario Williams" talk. Apparently the Texans didn't realize that studying the Giants attempts to tackle Vince Young wasn't a wise move.

PR: A puppy dies every time the Raiders lose to an Ohio team. Of course, it is because Ed kicked it.

PR: MATT LEINART! EDGE! SOME OTHER AZ THINGS!!! I approve of this victory.

MM: Three weeks ago I would've car bombed Dennis Green like a Shia cleric in Sadr City but with three wins in a row and consecutive hundred yard games from James, one more year looks tolerable. I mean, if Dennis Erickson is the top choice down the road, There Is No Such Thing As A Head Coaching Prospect.

PR: BRETT FAVRE CAN'T RETIRE!!! HE STILL CAN BEAT THE NINERS!!! LEGEND!!!

PR: I am certain in 5 to 6 years, we will understand how Mike Shannahan was a visionary and genius for allowing LT to score all those touchdowns.

PR: Man - what are all those Jets fans who were bitching that there was too much Giants talk going to do now? Oh right - root for the Knicks.

SUNDAY NIGHT
ED: The Saints slap around the Cowboys, 42-17. Oh yeah, Sean Payton being the coaching genius in that game makes me so incredibly happy.

NCAA
ED: Ohio State QB Troy Smith wins the Heisman. Ahh, one more person to add to Phil’s dream WAR-like failed Heisman-winner trios tournament.

PR: No one from Ohio State would ever be booked by me.

MM: White Timmy Chang Colt Brennan not getting more love is typical of a world that shuns Timmy Changs and Colt Brennans. Why would I want you, slick tossing young Hawaiian when I can keep the requisite six foot clipboard-toting Californian who never took a snap in college?

ED: Coaching stuff. Boston College football coach Tom O'Brien is hired as the new football coach at North Carolina State.

PR: Somehow this isn't considered a lateral move. Mind you - I am currently hawking James Patterson novels so I am not one to critique anyone's career path.

ED: Bernie Kosar wants to be the new Miami football coach.

MM: ...instead The U makes it six African-American coaches in D-1, hiring coordinator Randy Shannon. Indignant are those that can name four minority candidates with experience, Dennis Green and Ashley Ambrose holding scout team plays for no pay with Jim Mora Jr. don't count.

MM: 'Bama boosters shop enough moonshine to pay West Virginia hillbillies $2 MIL just to get Rich Rodriguez, agree to pay HIM $2 MIL a year to run spread option in the SEC. EDIT! - Rodriguez becomes the toast of Morgantown, stays behind to coach Steve Slaton and Pat White another year. Y'see, the Florida State job won't be open for another three hundred days, so...

SOCCER
PR: Okay - soccer is truly run like CM as after all the talk and rumors and contract offers. Bob Bradley is the new US national team coach. I will let you all when England offers me their job.

PR: Polonium found at Arsenal's new digs. Who knew that Thierry Henry was bad-mouthing Vladimir Putin.
 

NBA
ED: Uhhh…Justin?

MM: Lawrence Frank falls on his sword after 2 OT loss versus Phoenix, Frank had left Vince Carter in to foul out at the end of regulation. Yeah, Vince Carter in the game would've changed that result. Also, John Anderson and Brian Kenny tell me this is Yao Ming's breakout year and 'Melo leads the whole league in scoring. Whodathunkit?

PR: Isiah Thomas calls all Knicks fans stupid and that they don't understand basketball. All becausee they boo and want Thomas fired. This is the finest season in all the land.

PR: Allen Iverson will be traded… maybe before you read this. If it is to the Knicks… I really don't think I could fathom the greatness.

MM: Is there any other place that could possibly make that fit other the NY? Iverson is a tougher hit in the cap than a Nolan Ryan noogie and the only place with similarly priced players to match is MSG. Best Possible Resolution -- Steve Francis to Philly, AI to Minnesota, Randy Foye a new Knick. Knowing the parties involved, Brevin Knight and half Jordan's Nike contract for the right to call Iverson a Bobcat sounds about right.

JS: Hi! I’m Justin! And they’re going back to the old ball starting January 1st. Changing the rules halfway through the season is one of the more venerable NBA traditions, or at least I’ve always thought so.

NHL
ED: Yeah, like I want to ruin a 4 day weekend with this.

PR: Bob Gainey's daughter swept off a boat in the Atlantic Ocean. I would say his 4-day weekend was ruined.

JS: Swept from a boat, that is. Yes—“of questionable taste” and “pedantic” are the best you can hope for from our hockey section right now.

MLB
ED: Former Giants and Cardinals SS Jose Uribe dead at 47. So much for Brian Sabean’s youth movement.

ED: PLAYA MOVEMENT!!! The Mariners sign OF Jose Guillen. The Giants sign C Benji Molina, VETERAN PRESENCE Rich Aurillia and re-sign LOOGY!!! Steve Kline, 3B Pedro Feliz and CREAM/CLEAR Barry Bonds. The Rangers re-sign P Vicente Padilla. The Cards re-sign P Chris Carpenter. The Dodger re-sign Japanese PVC!!! Takashi Saito, sign P Jason Schmidt, C Mike Lieberthal and OLD Luis Gonzalez. The Red Sox sign IRONMAN!!! JD Drew and WIFE BEATER! Julio Lugo. The Padres sign P Greg Maddux. The A’s sign LOOGY! Alan Embree and STRAIGHT!!! Mike Piazza. The Mets trade P Brian Bannister to the Royals for P Ambiorix Burgos. The Indians sign PVC!!! Joe Borowski. The Cubs trade UTL Freddie Bynum to the Orioles for the ol’ PTBNL. The Cubs sign P Ted Lilly and PH Daryle Ward. The White Sox trade LUSH!!! Freddy Garcia to the Phillies for P Gavin Floyd and Gio Gonzalez. The Brewers trade P Edward Campusano to the Tigers for cash. The Braves trade P Horacio Ramirez to the Mariners for P Rafael Soriano. JT Snow retires and takes a front office gig with the Giants. The Royals sign P Gil Meche, LOOGY!!! John Bale and PVC!!! Octavio Dotel and release P Runelvys Hernandez. The D-Rays release P Travis Harper. The Cubs sign P Jason Marquis. The Yankees sign P Andy Pettitte. The Rangers sign OF Marlon Byrd. The Twins sign ALL STAR Ken Harvey. The Tigers re-sign 3B Brandon Inge. The Cardinals sign P Russ Springer. The Mets sign ROIDER!!! Guillermo Mota.

MM: JT Snow was supposed to erase the memory of Don Mattingly, ends his baseball life as the slow half of a three-legged-race team with Brian Sabean.

ED: The Rule 5 draft went down. Josh Hamilton gets to take his habit to Chicago…err, make that Cincy ‐ where, assumedly, he will have a tougher time getting smack, but of course, he will need it much-much-much-much-much more. The Yankees pick up Craig Wilson’s evil doppelganger in Josh Phelps.

PR: I am pitching a tent over Josh Phelps. So of course the Daily News make me want to start hurling Molotov cocktails at their printing presses by saying the Yanks are interested in Doug Misspelling.

ED: MLB will hold an exhibition game in Memphis, TN between the Cardinals and Indians where proceeds from said game will go towards raising money for the National Civil Rights Museum, the NAACP Legal Defense Fund, the Jackie Robinson Foundation, the Negro Leagues Museum and Memphis charities. Yep. Two of the whitest organizations in baseball will play a game for civil rights. Mmm, irony.

MM: Shin-Soo Choo and So Taguchi will meet at home plate to exchange lineup cards.

ED: The Cubs hire Hall of Famer Ryne Sandberg as the manager of their Peoria Chiefs minor league team. Joe Morgan scoffs.

MM: Dodgers possibly leaving Florida as spring training home for new stadium near Pink Taco Stadium in Glendale, AZ. Tommy Lasorda is tired of humidity and sweating like Leon Lett in an oven.

ED: Dizzy Dean, Ken Harrelson, Joe Nuxhall, Denny Matthews, Bill King, Tom Cheek, Tony Kubek, France Laux, Graham McNamee, and Dave Niehaus are named as the 10 finalists for the Ford C. Frick Award. WHAT? Joe Buck did not make the cut through on-line balloting? Hmm. Could this mean that people may not like Joe Buck? IIII…No. No. This is something I cannot believe. Everyone loves Joe Buck. Just ask Fox.
 

MM: JOE BUCK HATE MOMENT OF THE DAY -- Coming in and out of commercials, Buck ups his Q Rating correctly naming the bands playing over Rex Grossman throwing picks. Yes, you are qualified to call NFL games with Troy Aikman if you can repeat your producer telling you they used White Stripes this week. Overhearing your daughter listen to Hinder while staring at your gigantic quaff on the way to a private school none of your viewers can afford is not material for commentary.
 

ED: Cubs GM Jim Hendry is hospitalized at the GM winter meetings and undergoes angioplasty. Aww, he just now realized the contract he gave to Alphonso Soriano. Oh, wait! No he signed Ted Lilly wile undergoing angioplasty. Mmmm, omens.
 

MM: The National League is shaping up to be an EA Sports game on franchise mode as run by a 10 year old with one eye. Houston's Woody Williams pitching to Cardinal Adam Kennedy for the division? Juan Pierre facing Padre Greg Maddux with a wild card spot on the line? Not riveting, but it'll be on Fox Sundays and ESPN Mondays as if Josh Gibson was reincarnated to face Roger Clemens.
 

OTHER
ED: CFL NEWZ!!! Saskatchewan hires Kent Austin as their new head coach.
 

PR: Jimmie Johnson breaks his wrist by crashing a golf cart. He will be ready when NASCAR starts up again on like Wednesday.
 

PR: Speaking of NASCAR - they decide that they won't build a track in Staten Island. God that would have been rich. Maybe they could have followed the NYC Marathon route. Because you know we love it when all the major roads and bridges are closed.
 

PR: George McNeill wins Q-School to get his PGA card. Lee Janzen and Duffy Waldorf lose theirs. Yet somehow David Duvall muddles on.
 

JS: NHK TROPHY! Final stop on the Grand Prix. It was a total Japanese sweep of the single’s events and I know it’s a Japanese event and Beatrisa Liang was the best American there but still—there’s your crazy Japanese skating depth right there. Out of the 12 Grand Prix Final spots five will be Japanese. There you go. (We’re sending two teams in ice dancing, by the way. Thanks, new rules!) Chinese and Canadians took pairs and dancing, respectively.
 

JS: THE ASIAN GAMES!!!!! DOHA, QATAR! Home of Al Jazeera and very rich people and a non-native working class and not much else. I know Sheikh Hamad has more cash than he knows what to do with but even Jacque Rogge et al. would never give the Olympics to a metro area that ranks between Little Rock and Knoxville in terms of population. The IOC loves the payoffs, but this would be way too obvious (I think that’s how the Salt Lake City scandals emerged eventually.)

JS: Anyway—these Asian Games are fantastic. I hardly know what to do with myself. Every single freaking Olympic sport—yes, Phil, even trampoline—is there, plus regional sports that I’d never heard of and chess and billiards and bowling. And bodybuilding. Oh yes. So I figured I’d do a little rundown of what’s been going on. (Note: they actually started on December 1st, so I’m going to have to get a little outside of the legal confines of the week that was.)

JS: OPENING CEREMONY: Good but not great. The floor show was a little rustic compared to the openly surreal Greek opening show—lots of traditional costumes and a zillion kinds of opening ceremonies and some sort of shtick about a guy touring Asia. The cauldron-lighting, though, was Spielbergian in its grandeur. No major fashion news was made during the athlete parade, I’m afraid.

JS: GOLF and ARCHERY: Grouped together for purely ethnographic reasons. Did you know the Koreans are good at these two sports? It’s true!

JS: SEPAKTAKRAW: If NBC was televising the Asian Games in Asia this would be in the cult sport position they give table tennis and badminton. It’s volleyball played with the feet and Vietnam beating Thailand for the women’s gold was probably the most entertaining thing I’ve seen during these games. It had emotion and an epic feel (four hours!) and slow-building intensity and an underdog (Vietnam) that kept putting itself in a hole and yet kept finding ways to climb out of that hole. Great stuff.

JS: BASEBALL: Still at the Asian Games! I don’t know if it leaves here after it leaves the Olympics but here it is. Taiwan won (that guy from the Dodgers didn’t play, by the way) over Japan 8-7 in a game that came down to the last out for Taiwan to win.

JS: SWIMMING: It was China vs Japan and everybody knew it and they ended up with 16 golds apiece but I’m giving the win to China due to the silvers. Japan remains the master of the bronze medal—maybe it’s because they just compete in everything, they’re the only country here with an entry in every sport, god bless ‘em. Including….

JS: KABADDI! WCSN gave us clips and the description of “capture the flag without the flag” seems very very apt. Of course India won, but what sucks for them is they have to start busting out these new sports to win anything internationally anymore—their field hockey team blew it again at Doha. But—

JS: CHESS. –they’re very very good at chess. (And—to be fair—shooting. And cricket, which the games are threatening to add next. If they added that, bassfishing and American football I think my heart would explode.)

JS: EQUESTRIAN and WEIGHTLIFTING: I wouldn’t be mentioning either except that the former involved a guy getting killed by his horse (though the authorities denied it, rain was assumed to be a contributing factor; when you die due to rain in the desert, I think your number was just up) and the latter involved the only confirmed drug use thus far. Oh, and Iranian Hercules won again.

JS: BOWLING and BILLIARDS: LEISURE SPORTS! WITH MEDALS! Singapore is good at bowling, which I did not expect, but the Koreans were even better. And apparently the Chinese are taking the world of snooker by storm. This was my first time watching snooker, by the way, and I was mystified for at least a half hour. “Wait—that judge is putting the ball back on the table. STOP HIM!”

JS: JUDO, KARATE, BOXING, TAEKWANDO, and WRESTLING: I have not seen nearly as much of the combat sports as I would like. Suffice it to say that China did surprisingly well in the judo, that those same Chinese are bad boxers and thus that’s barely been on my monitor, that taekwondo always looks like badly judged to me (“That’s not a point? That HAD to be a point.”), that Japanese women’s wrestling is still dominant, and that we’ve only barely started the karate.

JS: TRACK AND FIELD: Or Athletics as they call it. I only really watched the marathons, won by a Chinese woman and a Kenyan Qatari guy, and there wasn’t too much drama to them—both parties pulled away and stayed there. No defrocked Irish priests attacking Brazilian frontrunners as happened in Athens (one of my favorite sports moments.)

JS: BADMINTON: BAD BOY OF BADMINTON! Taufik Hidayat made some kind of come-from-behind charge to the gold medal. China dominated the rest of everything for the most part.

JS: TABLE TENNIS: SPEAKING OF THE CHINESE DOMINATION. The one “upset” was a guy from Hong Kong beating a guy from China.

JS: SOFT TENNIS and SQUASH: Poor poor sports that even when you win, nobody cares.

JS: TENNIS: Just as weird as the Olympics, just with less big-to-medium time professionals playing in front of empty arenas.

JS: BEACH VOLLEYBALL: The late night pervs in China must be getting their jollies elsewhere, as this was barely on.

JS: SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMING and RHYTHMIC GYMNASTICS: With there being a good chance these days that somebody in ice dancing will be dropped on their head, these are the best contenders for lamest Olympic-style sport. (Note: bad synchronized swimming is entertaining in the trainwreck sense. Thank you, Team Sri Lanka.)

JS: Yeah—I have nothing to add to shooting, sailing and cycling. Your runaway winner is Team China, with Korea and Japan going back and forth for second and third. (Kazakhstan is a solid fourth. Fratboys make Borat jokes…..now!) Previous to these Games I wouldn’t have thought they could beat us in ’08, but they’re winning the sports they should win and making ground in others (like the combat sports) and otherwise performing fantastically well. I know the competition isn’t always the greatest cross-Asia (like with both the Chinese basketball teams being undefeated at the Asian games; the men’s team had trouble with the Albuquerque Thunderbirds, for pete’s sake) but still if I’m Team USA I’m a little less sanguine about ’08