The Week That Was 2/19/07 - 2/25/07  

ED: Are we sure Bill's not carrying Tom Brady's baby, too?  Hurricane Brady is Steve Garveying his way through all of New England, after all.  Have you had your period this month, Bill?

BB: No wonder I never got laid. Ooh – ooh – me and Tom have had an IMMACULATE CONCEPTION. I knew he was a gift from God. Mmm free Papa Gino’s for life!

NBA

ED:  Former Celtic Dennis Johnson dead at 52.  In lieu of making inappropriate ugly Celtics jokes…I have but one question - WHO SAW MAGIC JOHNSON OUTLIIVING A MEMBER OF THE 80's CELTICS BACK COURT?

PR: Maybe Magic's HIV test had one of those false positives like Tommy Morrison claims his did.

ED:  TRADE DEADLINE DEALZ!!!

• The Mavs trade G Anthony Johnson to the Hawks for a second-round pick
• The 76ers trade F Alan Henderson, cash and a second round pick to the Utah Jazz for a second round pick.
• The Trail Blazers trade G Juan Dixon to the Raptors for G/F Fred Jones and future considerations.

Ayup.  Dasssss eeeet.  Meh.

PR: Stupid Knicks not being the Knicks.

BB: Poor poor lack of crowning. Of course – these are four of the most generically-named men in the history of the NBA.

ED:  Heat G Dwayne Wade is gonna miss some time with a dislocated shoulder.  Well, at least he's not going to miss time with a sudden case of homosexuality.  The league would revolt.

BB: I am thinking Pat Riley is an Old Testament kinda guy.

ED:  LeBron James launches a new web site with Microsoft.  Unfortunately, it's not porn, so it'll get about as many hits as our site.

PR: Will he be unable to run IE7 properly too?

BB: Will he blame it on Damon Jones being malware? We really need to save our pop-up jokes for the baseball preview. I would say TEASE!! here but instead I’m just thinking about doing the preview and hating myself.

ED:  TROUBLE LIST!!!!  Gary Payton, Sam Cassell and Jason Caffey are cleared of charges of beating up a male exotic dancer in Toronto.  We already covered that latest Pacers bar fight dealie, right?  I think so, but…how the hell would I know?  Anyway - those guys involved in said fight we may have covered have pleaded not guilty.

PR: Latrell Sprewell is bared from seeing his children after being accused of assaulting his girlfriend in front of them. Geez... can't imagine why. It's not like he is crazy or anything.

ED: I don’t even know how one gets bared from seeing one’s children but I am intrigued and want to subscribe to Phil’s newsletter.

BB: Right.

NHL

EdIzOld: and of course, I had also forgotten all about those freaking RC Cola signs all over Shea

BillIzBradysLady: aww - i miss them desperately

EdIzOld: well, it...shoot

EdIzOld: did you guys even get RC Cola in New York?

BillIzBradysLady: at shea

EdIzOld: hehehehe

BillIzBradysLady: i'd say maybe one out of every five supermarkets in new york carried it, same in boston

EdIzOld: oh yeah, it was clearly like freaking Big Foot in the midwest

EdIzOld: I may have had one bottle of it once

EdIzOld: then never ever saw it again

BillIzBradysLady: hehehe

EdIzOld: if I recall correctly, it tasted like someone had poured a Pepsi in a Coke

BillIzBradysLady: that is about right

EdIzOld: right

EdIzOld: yeah, I was nonplussed

BillIzBradysLady: which is perfecly fine by me

BillIzBradysLady: well you were probably busy dreaming about THE KING AND HIS COURT coming to town so you didn't have to spend your day building things out of hay

EdIzOld: hehehehehe

EdIzOld: aww, that...that is the hockey section right there

PR: The Rangers still suck and are going to miss the playoffs. The last three games where equally special as they blew leads and lost by one. I mean the freaking lost to COLUMBUS! by giving up three goals in like eight minutes, including two short handed goals. Curse you HD and your sweet sweet picture making me watch.

BB: Awww….now I have memories of the HDTV and how I hate life and Foxwoods. Stupid top two pair.

PR: Speaking of the Blue Jackets - they traded Anson Carter. This stunned me because I had no idea there was a black man in Ohio who wasn't on parole scholarship at Ohio State.

BB: I am so gonna get fired from FOX one day.

AFL 

ED:  OK.  I just saw that Tampa Bay signed Bill Gramatica.  Obviously, he is now merely an after-kick celebration-gone-bad from becoming a Patriot.

PR: Aww... the goal posts are tiny. This won't work out well. 

BB: I guess he assumed Todd Sauerbrun can’t chase him all the way to Canada since he can’t get over the border.

JS: Did we talk about this year’s rule changes? 1. Free substitution is allowed—and the distinctive character of the Arena league IS DESTROYED!!!! Television commentators forced to find new reasons as to why they love the AFL. 2. Coaches no longer allowed to stand on field. I blame Elway.

NCAA

ED:  Notre Dame football coach Charlie Weis' malpractice trial is declared a mistrial after an elderly juror passes out and is revived by the defendant doctors.  OK.  What?  I can somehow weasel out of jury duty but George Steinbrenner is a juror in the Charlie Weis case?

PR: Huh? George Steinbrenner was a juror at Otto Graham's funeral. So very confused.

BB: Who is Otto Graham? Did Charlie Weis swallow him too?

JS: Lacrosse begins! DREXEL! Beats Virginia! And then Hopkins lost to freaking Albany. Princeton managed to beat Canisius so they get to be Number One until they lose to Georgian Court or somebody.

JS: Greg Oden Traveling Roadshow Featuring Ohio State beat Wisconsin, Florida lost again, blah blah blah.

SOCCER

PR: Arsenal and Chelsea don't like each and they rumbled a bunch during Chelsea's 2-1 Carling Cup Final win. John Terry swallows his tongue, almost dies, but, THANK GOD!!!!, is able to join the trophy celebration.

BB: I am sure he was able to make a 9/11 joke at some point even without his tongue tied.

PR: Manchester United are UNJUST CHEATERS!!! after their first leg clash with Lille. At least their fans squish real good.

BB: Oh I can’t top that. THAT’S WHY HE’S HERE!!! Poor Jack Edwards being replaced by Lon McEachern as generic ESPN backup announcer. Poor future Lon McEachern career path.

PR: The United States declares that they will make a run at hosting the 2018 World Cup and that they will helpfully host the 2014 one too. Poor poor Brazilian economics.

JS: The Monroe Doctrine is still paying dividends. Take that, (rest of the) New World!

BB: This cannot top CM where CANADA!!!! hosted the 2030 World Cup. God that made me laugh and laugh and laugh – especially since all the games were played in Edmonton, Calgary, and Toronto.

PR: Aston Villa midfielder Patrick Berger announces that he is considering playing in MLS. Aww... they are going to stick him in Toronto because it is cold like the Czech Republic.

BB: It can’t be worse than Austria.

PR: Oh and Nick Rimando got traded to the not Metrostars only to be traded back to Real Salt Lake because Scott Garlick decided to retire. Oh those wacky former United keepers.

BB: Well hey – at least the Red Bull aren’t paying $100K for their backup keeper now. God I hate soccer.

JS: Guy who owns Hearts: Still crazy.

MLB

ED:  INJURIES!!!  Mariners P Mark Lowe is out indefinitely with elbow problems.  Mariners UGLY!!! Sean Burroughs out indefinitely with a shoulder injury after falling down while fishing.

PR: I could easily see Sean Burroughs being someone who wouldn't realize that you were supposed to fish in water and being out in his backyard with his coon hound and wondering why the fish ain't bitting.

BB: I am still trying to figure out how that statement wasn’t racist.

ED:  PLAYA MOVEMENT!!!  P Rich Garces signs with the independent league Nashua Pride.  The Blue Jays sign BRAZILIAN P Jo Matumoto. The Rickies sign OF? Steve Finley.

BB: I think Rich Garces is actually just orbiting around Curt Schilling at this point.

ED: OMG!!!!!11111  The Media creates news!!!!!  Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez aren't best buddies anymore!!!!!11111  Barry Bonds dares the guv'ment to go after him for his alleged steroid usage.  Gary Sheffield AND Bubba Crosby blast the Yankees.  Dmitri Young and Jim Leyland don't like each other.  Curt Schilling is going to be a free agent after the season.  OMG!!!!1111  God, can they just start playing games soon?

PR: Aww.... I will add Bubba Crosby to the people that Joe Torre would not TRUST~! to give a kidney to his brother.

BB: I would say that he could barnstorm around the country with Pedro and Lil’ Pedro but then I remembered that Lil’ Pedro was dead and – I cannot lie – I giggled.

ED:  The Blue Jays give a contract extension to Manager John Gibbons.  Shea Hillenbrand does not approve.

BB: Nor does Ted Lilly. But hey – JP has the BD.

NFL

ED: Broncos RB Damien Nash dead at 24. Former Rams DL Lamar Lundy dead at 71.

BB: I don’t know. I am pretty sure Damien Nash qualifies as Former Broncos RB at this point.

ED:  The Chargers hire Norv Turner as their new head coach.  HAH!!!  Oh man, so this is the NFL's idea of parity?  Making all of the teams in the AFC West suck so the Raiders can compete?  Well, a gold medal in the Special Olympics is just as shiny as a Gold at the regular Olympics.

BB: I don’t think Ed knows how gold works.

JS: Come on, Ed was born in the gold standard era. OLD AGE JOKE!!!!

ED: PLAYA MOVEMENT!!! The Panthers release DE Al Wallace.  The Titans release G Zach Piller.  The Jets release RB Kevan Barlow and C Trey Teague.  The Redskins release S Troy Vincent.  THE RAIDERS RELEASE QB? AARON BROOKS!!!! 

BB: If Aaron Brooks isn’t a QB I am not really sure what he is. Placemat?

PR: Aww... that was quite the Giant-esqe use of draft picks that the Jets did in that Barlow trade.

BB: Nowhere near as beautiful as the Doug Jolley trade. God, if there’s one thing the Raiders are good at, it’s getting high draft picks for their useless players. Of course – they then spend those draft picks on those useless players, but whatever works.

ED:  FRANCHISE TAGZ!!!!  Are passed around like Brady seeds.  Poor stupid NFL teams.

ED:  Assistant Coaching NEWZ!!!  The Bears hire Len Butkus as assistant O-line coach, fire/push out D-Coordinator Ron Rivera and replace Rivera with Bob Babich.  The Cowboys hire Wade Wilson as their new QB's coach.

BB: Awww…Wade Wilson is Jason Garrett’s bitch, now. It seems unfair that anyone should ever be Jason Garrett’s lackey.

JS: Judd Garrett excepted.

ED:  DRAFT NEWZ!!!  The Browns win the coin flip with the Bucs to get the 3^rd pick in the draft.  Oh, poor cripple to be.

BB: Mmmm…staph.

ED: Speaking of the draft – the NFL combines went down this weekend. Now, I am no fan of having to watch anything involved in this because old men sitting around and watching young guys parading around in their underwear is far too freaky for me to consider but…I was flipping through the channels and they were showing the prospective draftees in these white sorta 2001: A Space Odyssey pods. WTF were those? Please tell me this had something to do with Danny Ainge brain-sizing. Please.

BB: Yeah – of all the places FO can send me on assignment, Indianapolis is not one of them.

ED:  Bills CB Terrence McGee sues his former financial advisor for squandering/stealing $1 million from him.  You know who's is upset most by this - other than any sort of baby mama's of Terrence McGee, of course?  That's right?  The agent who couldn't skim away that $1 million before it got to the financial advisor.

BB: I was thinking more Marv Levy was more upset because he just realized Picket Fences got cancelled and he’s a big Fyvush Finkel fan.

ED:  Pats RB Corey Dillon demands a trade -

ColdPizzaBill: poor poor corey dillon

EdCursesLife: ?

ColdPizzaBill: http://x.go.com/cgi/x.pl?goto=http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=2776090&name=FPT-2776090-022311&srvc=sz

EdCursesLife: oof

EdCursesLife: yep

EdCursesLife: clearly he will become a Raider

ColdPizzaBill: god that is perfect

EdCursesLife: I hate you

BB: This is pretty much how me and Ed’s lives work through each other.

ED: Colts back up QB Jim Sorgi auditions for the role of the new Maytag Repairman. Yep, I heartily approve of Colts QB’s doing every commercial from here on out. Maybe they can find Art Schlichter to do commercials for Vegas. Bert Jones could be trotted out to do more Head & Shoulders ads. Mike Pagel could…uhh…you know, do something for like…umm…well, no one would even know Mike Pagel was an NFL QB so maybe he could fight it out with Sorgi for the Maytage Repairman gig. Oh! And Jeff George could be trotted out to…umm…to help with Len P’s Nutrisystem ads.

BB: I don’t think Phil approves.

ED:  TROUBLE LIST!!!  Colts RB Dominic Rhodes is busted for DUI.  Packers WR Koren Robinson gets 90 days in jail for his DUI.  Falcons DT Jonathan Babineaux is arrested on felony animal abuse charges for allegedly killing his girlfriend's dog.  Bengals LB Odell Thurman pleads no contest to DUI charges and gets 90 days in the hole.  Pacman Jones…oh, Pacman Jones.  You are so very beautiful.  Rams TE Dominique Byrd pleads not guilty to assault charges.

BB: God I love Pacman.

OTHER

ED:  Catching up on some CFL NEWZ!!!  Edmonton signs CB Omarr Morgan.  Montreal RB Eric Lapointe retires.  Calgary signs WR Ryan Thelwell. Saskatchewan signs WR's Curtis Jackson and Joshua Tinch.  Toronto signs DT Adriano Belli, QB's Tom Arth and Mike McMahon, T Brian Ramsay, WR's Bryan Pray and Michael Washington and DB's Abdual Howard, Darrell Lee and Willie Pile.  Winnipeg signs OL Adam Greene.  Montreal signs Jarrett Payton. 

PR: Of all the pseudo ex-NFL QBs trying to make it in the CFL - Mike McMahon is so not someone I had thought of. Of course - Toronto now has McMahon, Michael Bishop AND Eric Crouch on the roster.

ED:  CFL HALL OF FAME INDUCTIONS ARE ANNOUNCED - Darren Flutie, Greg Battle, Rocco Romano and Pierre Vercheval are inducted into the CFL HOF as players.  Dave (Tuffy) Knight is inducted as a coach.  Of course, as cool as that is, no chance in hell their induction speech will be even one-sixteenth as entertaining as Michael Irivin's rambling, coke-fueled speech at Canton this coming August.

PR: TIGER WOODS LOSES!!! TIGER WOODS LOSES!!! NO BETTER THAN DAVID DUVAL!!! Okay, now I am stretching things.

PR: Matt Kenseth wins the first NASCAR race of the season that no one cares about.

ED: I thought Daytona was last week.

JS: Olympian news: RULON GARDNER! Cheated death again after surviving a plane crash. LINDSEY KILDOW! Betrayed by her ACL, and out for the season. MICHAEL PHELPS! Fastest 200m butterfly in the world! And he did it with chin hair.