The Week That Was 3/5/07 - 3/11/07  

ED:  MARCH MADNESSSSSSSSSSS!!!!  WHEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Oh, by the way, I too am having Tom Brady's baby.

NBA

ED:  Kings F Ron Artest is arrested on felony domestic violence charges.  Someone really needs to start a reality show with Ron Artest and Pacman Jones under house arrest in the same house.

ED:  LAYIN' DOWN THA LAW!!!!!  Pistons G Lindsey Hunter is suspended 10 games for testing positive for phentermine.  Lakers G Kobe Bryant is suspended one game for smacking T-Wolves G Marko Jaric in the face.

ED:  An Indiana man is suing the Pacers claiming that the team's mascot caused permanent damage to him after he was tackled by said mascot while shooting free throws at a contest during a Pacers game.  Aww, he should just be thankful the mascot didn't run into the stands and beat on him.

NHL

ED:  Poor little hockey section. OH! Waitasecond! Islanders LW Chris Simon is suspended 25 games for whacking Rangers C Ryan Hollweg in the face with his stick. IF YOU AGREE WITH THIS YOU ARE A RACI—Oops. Wrong league.

AFL

WEEK TWO!!!

JS: Glads 76, Rampage 69. In front of 6232 at Van Andel! The Rampage so totally are the Packers of the AFL. The GR just shuts down on Sundays. I mean, Thursdays/Fridays/Saturdays/whenever David Baker says.

JS: Destroyers 45, VooDoo 52—and this was in front of 17000, so those reports of the VooDoo selling some crazy number of season tickets were not exaggerated. Poor Destroyers win streak.

JS: SOUL 63, Kats 30! BON JOVI! I think I have to like him, otherwise Jon Corzine will revoke my Turnpike driving license.

JS: SaberCats 45, Rush 48. There was a time this would be embarrassing for Darren Arbet et al. Now it’s just usual San Jose struggling.

JS: Tampa Bay 40, Dallas 59. Maybe Tim Marcum is slowly morphing into the AFL Joe Gibbs (you know….the game has left him behind.) Oh, and Bill Gramatica already got waived.

JS: Utah 75, Rattlers 71! I’m never going to use the word “Blaze” in this space if I can help it. Exception: telling you I’m not going to use the word “Blaze.” There you go.

JS: Kansas City 40, Crush 44! No UPSET!!!!! for the Brigade!

JS: Wranglers 51, Force 60! Former Arizona Cardinal Chris Greisen! Perhaps a joke from Marc to follow! Perhaps not—considering Greisen’s played in every league on the planet! WHO CAN SAY?

MM: Good spots are still available for the Chris Greisen Quarterback Academy, featuring TWO locations - at Texas Stadium and in Green Bay. Greisen is the Tom Emansky of calling formations and plays through a mouth still loaded with weinerschnitzel. SIGN UP TODAY.

NCAA

ED:  One more Bluffton University baseball player dies from last week's bus crash.

ED:  CONFERENCE TOUNREEZ!!!!  One step closer to basketball season FINALLY being over.

MM: IF DUKE WOULD'VE HAD GERALD HENDERSON THEY'D HAVE BEAT N.C. STATE! Let this be a lesson all to all flagrant foulers across the nation - hack a redneck from Chapel Hill in the nose, force your team to get bumped by a coach dressing for the part of Rod Roddy.

JS: I’m not going to recap all those tounreez. Suffice it to say, a bunch of teams won, the committee let in a hideous number of teams from the Pac-10 and Big Ten, the MEAC champion was RACISTLY!!!! confined to the play-in game yet again, 18-12 Stanford somehow got in only to be sent to Lexington to play Louisville (what was the point of that?) and Drexel got shafted. Syracuse also probably got shafted, but it’s Boeheim, they probably did it just to see his reaction.

MM: Hrm, one quality win in a season of 32 games, a Carrier Dome W over Georgetown, shouldn't get you a low seed versus Virginia Union in D-II, let alone into the NCAA's.

ED:  LSU women's basketball coach Pokey Chatman resigns after allegedly having improper LESBIAN!!! relations with one or more of her players.  That's right HOT WOMAN ON WOMAN ACTION!!!  I think the Panthers cheerleaders might have been involved too.  Sorry.  Just trying to get us more hits.  Gotta pay the bills, yo.

JS: AND SO WAS ANNA BENSON AND GISELE BUNDCHEN

JS: Lax: another weekend, another number one down (Loyola over Duke this time. There may be a double entendre somewhere in the preceding sentence.)

MLB

ED:  Former Cardinal and Cub Gene Oliver dead at 71.

ED:  INJURY NEWZ!!!  Marlins P Josh Johnson is going to miss 2 months with a bum elbow.  Braves P Mike Hampton is going to miss the start of the season with a side injury.  Cards P Josh Kinney will miss the entire season with Tommy John surgery. Indians P Cliff Lee will miss at least a month of the season with an abdomen strain.

ED:  A Bellevue, IL man is being hit with Federal extortion charges for allegedly trying to extort Nats 2B Ronnie Belliard of $150K after Belliard allegedly knocked up his daughter.  Of course, that is one of the few times Belliard scored all season, so really…what's the fuss?

MM: Only in a soot-covered factory town suburb of St. Louis would a "father" think $150K from someone in MLB is a proper extortion amount.

ED:  Former Blue Jays, Phillies, Mets and Reds P Ricardo Jordan gets 7 years in the hole for selling coke and pot.  If only he had sold meds online.

ED:  HOFer Bob Feller is involved in a car accident but is unhurt.  God, I hope it was Victor Martinez getting revenge for the Steppin Fetchit remarks.

ED:  Yankees DL Carl Pavano is being sued by a Florida man for injuries suffered in a car wreck with Pavano in Florida.  Aww, he doesn't understand that HE IS LUCKY NOT TO GET CANCER FROM THE CAR WRECK!

ED:  PLAYA MOVEMENT!!!  The Mets sign WIFE BEATER!!!! Wil Cordero.  The Braves sign ALL STAR!!! Mark Redman. The Dodgers release IF Damian Jackson.

SOCCER

JS: CHAMPIONS LEAGUE QUARTER FINAL DRAW! AC Milan vs Bayern Munich, PSV vs Liverpool, Roma vs Manchester United, Chelsea vs Valencia. Yeah.

NFL

ED:  Oh, Tom Brady.  Is there any stopping your sperm?

ED:  FREE AGENCY SIGNINGS!!!  The Bucs sign DE Kevin Carter.  The Cards sign C Al Johnson, CH Roderick Hood and S Terrence Holt.  The Broncos sign RB Travis Henry, WB Patrick Ramsey and TE Daniel Graham.  The Cowboys sign QB Brad Johnson.  The Seahawks sign DE Patrick Kerney.  The Chiefs sign LB’s Napolean Harris and Donnie Edwards.  The 49ers sign LB Tully Banta-Cain.  The Saints sign LB Brian Simmons and TE Eric Johnson.  The Jets sign DE Kenyon Coleman and RB Darian Barnes.  The Bucs sign T Luke Petitgout.  The Raiders sign C Jeremy Newberry and RB’s Dominic Rhodes and Justin Griffith.  The Vikings sign WR Bobby Wade.  The Texans sign LB Danny Clark.  The Dolphins sign DE Joey Porter, S Cameron Worrell, RB Cory Schlesinger and K Jay Feely.  The Falcons sign CB Lewis Sanders and WR Joe Horn.  The Browns sign RB Jamal Lewis.  The Eagles sign WR Bethel Johnson.  The Rams sign TE Randy McMichael and S Todd Johnson.  The Redskins sign G Ross Tucker. The Steelers sign G Sean Mahan. The Patriots sign WR Donte Stallworth.

MM: Scott Linehan is the new Parcells "I take MY guys with me!" in the league.

ED: PLAYA MOVEMENT!!! The Bears trade RB Thomas Jones and a 2^nd round pick to the Jets for their 2^nd round pick.  The Bills release G Tutan Reyes.  The Panthers release HEISMAN WINNER!!! Chris Weinke.  The Packers release RB William Henderson.  The Redskins release K John Hall.  The Ravens release G Edwin Mulitalo.  The Bills trade RB Willis McGahee to the Ravens for reportedly their 3rd and 7^th round pick in this year's draft, along with a third-round pick in 2008.  The Seahawks release DE Grant Winstrom.

MM: Reuben Droughns traded to NYG for WR? Tim Carter. I AM SLAPPING YOU IN THE FACE, BRANDON JACOBS says Tom Coughlin. The optimist maybe says the NEW HOTTNESS is having two running backs seperated in age by handfuls of years ala Indy Colts. Cleveland drafting Adrian Peterson and his Danny Almote-style birth certificate would be the clincher.

ED:  TROUBLE LIST!!!  Eagles WR Donte Stallworth is reportedly now in the NFL's Substance Abuse Program.  Bengals LB A.J. Nicholson gets work-release and probation for stealing from a former college teammate.  Bengals CB Johnathan Joseph enters a diversion program in an attempt to get his pot possession charge dismissed.  Bengals CB Deltha O'Neal pleads guilty to reckless op charges. Jags WR Charles Sharon is busted for pot and stolen gun possession charges.

MM: New Cards ass't coach Richie Anderson snatched by the cops for soliciting street walkers at a Phoenix area swanky resort hotel. Eugene Robinson not present. Y'know, with a running bar tab, nice button up, and some subtle-but-obvious proof you'd played in the NFL, that action would be free. Pro-Bowl attendance would be compensatory if Roger Goodall would offer post-playing career seminars by Katt Williams.

OTHER

ED: Jimmie Johnson wins the UAW-DaimlerChrysler 400.

JS: TIM HORTONS BRIER! Bad ice! Nobody in Hamilton likes curling! Team Ontario and Glenn Howard beat Brad Gushue and his Newfoundlanders 10-6 for the title.

JS: FREESTYLE WORLD SKI CHAMPIONSHIPS! China is great at aerials. Ski cross was won by Czech men and French women. Crypto-Australian Dale Begg-Smith took men’s moguls gold; actual Canadian Jennifer Heil took women’s. I’d get more results, but the official website appears to be a Babelfish translation from the Italian.

JS: WORLD CUP OF SNOWBOARDCROSS! Who knew such a thing existed? There weren’t any cameras there—which of course means Lindsey Jacobellis won.