The Week That Was 3/12/07 - 3/18/07  

ED: 

NBA

ED: AWESOME!!! The Knicks give Isiah Thomas a contract extension. God bless the franchises that exist just to give us material.

ED: Charlotte Bobcats head honcho Michael Jordan says that head coach Bernie Bickerstaff will not be back next season. Wait. Are these code words for MJ losing him to a golfing/gambling debt too?

ED: The Bucks fire head coach Terry Stotts and replace him with Larry Krystkowiak. Yeah, well, I mean…Pfff. I’ve got nothing.

ED: LAYIN’ DOWN THA LAW! Bucks C Andrew Bogut is fined $25K by the league for flipping off his home fans. Bobcats G Brevin Knight is fined $25K for bumping a ref. Lakers coach Phil Jackson and the Los Angeles Lakers were fined $50K each by the league after Coach Genius said the league was conducting a "witch hunt" against Kobe Bryant.

JS: Danny Ainge fined for hanging around Kevin Durant’s parents too much.

ED: TROUBLE LIST!!! T-Wolves G Randy Foye has disorderly conduct charges against him drop. (Yes, I, like you, knew nothing of these charges and have no idea who Randy Foye is.)

JS: Awww….trouble is a Villanova tradition, Ed.

NHL

ED: I am certain somewhere along the line there was some chat that I could have kept in thrown in here. But I had to use it all to pad the Pirates piece. So…just figure Phil or I wrote something dumb.

AFL

FINISHING WEEK TWO!!!!

JS: Avengers 44, Preds 37 in overtime on Monday night.

WEEK THREE!!!

JS: Soul 69, Rampage 40. In front of 4917 tulip-festival aficionados. (West Michigan joke.)

JS: Wranglers 30, Predators 45! HOW DOES GRUDEN DO IT ON THREE DAYS’ REST???

JS: Dallas 66, Kansas City 54. Clint Dolezel is without peer.

JS: Arizona 54, Crush 56 as new AFL continues to beat up on old AFL.

JS: A Force beat a Storm 61-47. Gawd, wasn’t ForceStorm one of the original 90s Image comics?

JS: Dragons 40, Rush 61. Sippio! Five TDs!

JS: Blaze lost to Kats 69-55. Awww….the Kats are so unloved.

JS: VooDoo 59, Glads 31! As long as there’s a Rampage, Las Vegas will not have the smallest home crowds in the league.

NCAA

ED: TOUNEEEEEZ BABY!!! Jesus Christ, if I hear the fake freaking work “bracketology” one more time I am going to take out all you whitie, preppie nerdz! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!! THE GUTTERS WILL BE CLOGGED WITH YOUR BLOOD-SOAKED DOCKERS!!! SWEAR TO GOD!

JS: But…but…Joe Lunardi picked 63 out of the 65……

JS: WHEEEE! Well, the opening round wasn’t much of everything, excepting OUR LONG NATIONAL NIGHTMARE ending right away when VCU beat Duke. Saturday was super-crazy, with like 3 overtime games including Xavier being one free throw/one foul away from beating Ohio State. Sunday returned to semi-tediousness. We’re left with all our 1-seeds and more Pac-10 and SEC teams than I can possibly stomach. Stupid football conferences.

JS: LADEEZ tounrey! MARIST! of the MAAC advancing is all I really care about. One seeds defeated 16-seeds by improbable numbers of points. Teams coached by Dawn Staley and C.Vivian Stringer also moved on.

JS: NCAA HOCKEY TOURRNEY!!! The hickey section stays unloved! I love the alternate universe of hockey conferences: Hockey East sent Maine, UMass, New Hampshire, BC, and BU. The CCHA sent Notre Dame, Michigan, Michigan State, and Miami of Ohio. The WCHA sent Minnesota, St Cloud State, and North Dakota, ECAC sent Clarkson and St Lawrence, Atlantic Hockey sent Air Force and the poor poor CHA is represented by Alabama-Huntsville. Yeah, one of those schools is very much not like the others.

MLB

ED: Former MLB Commissioner Bowie Kuhn dead at 80. Yeah, you know God and Satan are arguing about who gets him for fear that he would screw up Heaven or Hell like he did MLB.

ED: PLAYA MOVEMENT!!! The Rockies release C Javy Lopez. The Mets release CUBAN!!! Alay Soler. The Mariners ship P Jim Parque to the minors. The Rangers ship PROSPECT!!! Edinson Volquez to the minors. The Dodgers release FPOTM Fernando Tatis. The Mets ship P's Philip Humber and Jason Vargas to the minors.

ED: CONTRACT EXTENSIONS!!! The Indians extend the contract of GM Mark Shapiro. The Orioles extend the contract of 2B Brian Roberts.

ED: Gary Matthews Jr NEVER TOOK A PED!!!! Never. Ever.

ED: Rockies PVC!!! Jeff Francis is suspended 5 games and Rockies Manager Clint Hurdle is suspended one game for provoking a fight with the San Diego Padres in a Cactus League game. Ooo, however will the Rockies survive without a closer for the first 5 games of the season?

ED: Former Braves P Rick Camp loses his appeal on of his embezzling charges and still has to serve 37 months in jail. Where, of course, he will see uglier men naked than his days with the Braves and spying the occasional glimpse of Bob Horner coming out of the shower.

ED: Blue Jays P Gustavo Chacin is busted for DUI. Ooo, new candidate for player most likely to drunkenly punch John Gibbons in the face.

ED: Oh, Pete Rose. Just. Go. Away.

SOCCER

JS: MLS and the Bundesliga teamed up to do something, I’m not sure what. Hopefully this results in MLS becoming “Bundesliga America” or something. (Those jerks from Schalke are still at the top of the table, by the way—three points over Werder and seven over Stuttgart.)

NFL

ED: Former Chief, Oiler and Charger Ernie Ladd dead at 68. Yeah, I like you, cannot wait for Meltz’s obit to see how many times he can misspell Gayle Sayers.

ED: CRAZY FAN BOY DEATHS!!!! Super Dolphins fan "Dolfan Denny" Denny Sym dead at 72 and Cowboys insane fan Wilford "Crazy Ray" Jones dead at 76. Jesus, I bet the families are so proud of those obits.

ED:  FREE AGENCY SIGNINGS!!!  The Lions sign WR Shaun McDonald and RB TJ Duckett. The Packers sign CB Frank Walker. The Lions sign CB Travis Fisher. The Seahawks sign TE Marcus Pollard and S Brian Russell. The Bucs sign CANDYMAN!!! Sammie Davis, DT's Lance Legree and Kenny Smith, LB Cato June and WR Levon Thomas. The Pats sign WR Kelley Washington. The Saints sign S Kevin Kaesviharn. The Titans sign CB Nick Harper, WR Justin Gage and LB Ryan Fowler. The Colts sign WB John Navarre and LB Mike Labinjo. The Browns sign C Future Cripple Seth McKinney and DT’s Robaire Smith and Shaun Smith. The Eagles sign WR Kevin Curtis. The Falcons sign G Toniu Fonoti. The Texans sign DT Jeff Zgonina. The Bengals sign C Alex Stepanovich.

ED: PLAYA MOVEMENT!!! The Browns release RB Terrelle Smith.

ED: Bears LB Lance Briggs says he will not play another down for the team after the Bears designated him with their franchise tag.

ED: Emmitt Smith is joining ESPN as part of their NFL pregame crew. AT LAST!!! A FORMER COWBOY ON ESPN WHO WON’T BE COKED OUT OF HIS GOURD!!!

ED:  TROUBLE LIST!!!  Seahawks TE Jerramy Stevens is busted for DUI. Bears DT Tank Johnson gets 120 days in the hole for violating his parole with that whole gun possession deal.

OTHER

JS: Julia Mancuso finished 16^th in the final slalom of the season which means she finished third overall in the World Cup--which went to Nicole Hosp.

JS: There’s a cricket World Cup going on—apparently Ireland beat Pakistan, which is like Jackson State beating Kansas and then angry Kansans burning down Topeka or so I am told. Pakistan coach Bob Woolmer was later found dead in his hotel room; diabetes and stress were a lethal mix, apparently.

JS: OMG Tiger Woods lost! At the Arnold Palmer Invitational.