The Week That Was 4/16/07 - 4/22/07  

ED:  Yeah, Phil.  You keep that curly hair away from me.  It may work with Bill, but not me.

JS: Anita Hill jokes in the oh-seven! We are nothing if not current.

NBA

ED:  THA NBA PLAYOFFS ARE SET!!!!  WHEE!!! SPIN THE BLACK CIRLCE!!!

JS: The Clippers amusingly tanked one of their last few games to make sure they wouldn't make the playoffs. This allowed their rivals in incompetence, the Warriors, in with the 8^th spot. It's no wonder so many in California turn to the Lakers cult, given the alternatives.

MM: I'm sorry, but the Clips could tank all 82 games, draft five Joakim Noahs, pair them with a rejuvenated Keith Closs, and they still wouldn't be as obnoxiously annoying as the Lakers.

JS: Actual results from the first weekend of games: Warriors over Mavs. Heeheehee. Nuggets over Spurs—and that’s with the most selfishest player in the history of organized sports! The team with the actual most selfishest lost to the Suns. Rockets over Jazz, and I loved T-Mac making the “this team goes as far as I can take them” after a game where Yao Ming saved their bacon. The JV NBA had some games too, and it’s nice that they let the Eastern teams into the playoffs, really gives the kids something to look forward to.

MM: The uni's and giveaways at Raptors versus Nets in Toronto had more red than "Heavy Flow Week" on The View.

ED:  The Washington state Legislature decides not to vote on getting a new stadium for the Sonics and WNBA Sound, allowing Sonics owner Clay Bennett to jump on the ol “New stadium or we move” tip.  Waitasecond.  Seattle still has an NBA team?  Are these all Shawn Kemp's kids?

MM: Key Arena and MSG both opened the same year and are the oldest buildings in the NBA. Its completely feasible for Starbucks to fund a new stadium and just force people in the city to buy their five venti lattes there.

ED:  Memphis Grizzlies GM Jerry West announces he will retire on July 1^st.  Aww, Memphis has a basketball team too?

ED:  Spurs C Fabricio Oberto is hospitalized with an abnormal heartbeat.  Of course, I couldn't spot Oberto out of a police line-up but…whatever.  Padding the section.

NHL

ED:  Columbus fires GM and President Doug MacLean.  Aww, I am sure he will miss the cornholing.

ED:  Islanders D Sean Hill is suspended 20 games for loving the sweet PEDS.

ED:  PLAYOFFS!!!  What?  The Rangers won a playoff series AND the Pens got kicked out in the first round?  Wow!  The hockey world is upside down.

JS: The Devils are somehow still alive after tying up the series with Tampa. Way to take charge, Lou!

JS: And then they actually ousted Tampa. IN LOU WE TRUST!!!!

AFL

Finishing off WEEK SEVEN!!!!!

JS: This week in Philadelphia Soul Arena Football: things get worse for the team with their second consecutive loss. Tony's injury looks bad, and Bret is troubled by Jon's increasingly erratic behavior. Guest stars: Clint Stoerner, Clint Dolezel.

WEEK EIGHT!!!

JS: Predators over Dragons. I don’t even have any Long Island jokes cuz they played in Florida.

JS: Hey—Rattlers beat Utah! Sherdrick Bonner still has some games left in him!

JS: Crush 63, Gladz 53! Elway’s teeth put fear of God into Crush!

JS: Georgia 78, Dallas 63. And then there was none….

JS: Rush 75, Rampage 54. My own private obsession (shameful, I know) is Grand Rapids attendance: close to 11 thousand for a crappy, crappy team. Non-Saturday games are the death of this franchise.

JS: Kats 49, Kansas City 40. Two teams I don’t give a fig about! Yes!

JS: Wranglers beat VooDoo in OT. S’about time they did something right.

JS: Awww—two losses in a row for the Avengers (to SaberCats this time.) Poor poor finishing below .500.

NCAA

ED:  Yeah, everybody and their brother is now eligible for the NBA draft.  And boy how I am enjoying the MORAL OUTRAGE!!! over Greg Oden going out.  Ohhhh, how Ohio State fans make me laugh.

ED:  Dick Butkus is suing the Downtown Athletic Club of Orlando over the use of his name for the Butkus Award.  Mmm, suing over the word “Butkus.”

ED:  LSU suspends three football players for violating the teams conduct policy.  Of course you know that means those three will play for Ohio State soon.

JS: Also at LSU: Pokey Chatman was actually fired, sources say. Lawsuits to follow. Pokey to join Thad Matta's team of assistants.

MLB

ED:  DL LIST!!! Blue Jays 3B Troy Glaus (hamstring/ankle), White Sox SCRAP!!! Scott Podsednik (getting his groin right), Dodgers P Jason Schmidt (shoulder), Marlins P Jorge Julio (calf) and OF Alejandro De Aza (ankle), Angels 2B Howie Kendrick (broken finger), Rockies P Rodrigo Lopez (elbow), Mariners P Felix Hernandez (elbow - he may or may not be on the DL at this point, who can be sure with the Mariners?), Tigers PVC!!! Jose Mesa (getting his groin right), D-Backs P Juan Cruz (shoulder), Rangers PVC!!! Eric Gagne (hip), A’s P Rich Harden (shoulder), A’s OF Milton Bradley (hamstring)

ED:  White Sox P Mark Buehrle throws a no hitter against the Rangers.  Yep, that should be good for an extra couple of million from the Cardinals in the offseason.

ED:  The Braves suspend IF Willy Aybar for failing to report for physical therapy on his injured right hand.  And then Aybar fails to meet with baseball officials over this suspension and then claims he has a substance abuse problem.  Aww, being in Atlanta makes him want to be more Michael Vick-like.

MM: Maybe. If the substance Aybar's abusing is bumpy skin rashes caught from rotten trim. 

ED:  Twins minor league P Anthony Swarzak is suspended 50 games for loving the sweet juice.

ED: Mets fan Frank Martinez is arrested for trying to distract Braves P Tim Hudson and SS Edgar Renteria with a high powered flashlight at a Mets-Braves game. Aww, as if using the word “playoffs” around the Braves wouldn’t have stopped them dead in their tracks.

SOCCER

JS: Only a month to go! Ugh. If the NHL playoffs are, like, the extra-long director's cut of Das Boot, the European soccer season is freaking Berlin Alexanderplatz.

JS: MISL CHAMPIONSHIP!!! PHILADELPHIA KIXX!!!! I only know about because it was on the front page of the sports section. Poor pathetic Philadelphia. I’m sure John Street actually kicked around the idea of giving them a tickertape parade.

NFL

ED:  Former Oiler, Steeler, Patriot and Michigan State LB George Webster dead at 61.

ED:  PLAYA MOVEMENT!!! The Vikings sign WR Cortez Hankton.  The Cleveland Browns sign RB Alan Ricard and TE Ryan Krause.  The Miami Dolphins sign C Johnathan Ingram and RB Ray Perkins.  The Pittsburgh Steelers sign DT Nick Eason.  The Pats sign CB Tory James.  The Rams win the rights to P Donnie James after the Dolphins refused to match the Rams' offer for him.  The Detroit Lions sign CB's Tony Beckham and Ike Charlton and WR Kevin Kasperand release WR Craphonso Thorpe.  P Todd Sauerbrun is officially a Bronco after he somehow wrangles himself out of the contract he had with the Patriots.  And Trent Green is apparently thisclose to going to the Dolphins.

MM: Between Craphonso and D'Cody Fagg, FSU cornered the market on potty-name WR's.

ED:  TALKING HEADZ NEWZ!!!  NBC announces it has hired Keith Olbermann as part of its NFL pregame show.  Oh man, the smug overload with him, Collinsworth and Costas will be outstanding.

ED:  The Tampa Sports Authority is appealing a decision that outlawed pat-downs at Buccaneers home games.  Well…yeah.  I mean, who in their right mind really wants to pat-down Chuckie?

ED:  Bears LB Brian Urlacher is fined $100K for wearing an unapproved hat during Super Bowl week.  Whew!  Way to lay down the law in the right places.  NFL!!!  YAY!!!  Ohhhhh, the hate I have for this frickin' league.

JS: Somebody out on the web pointed out that that's more than the total number of fines assessed to Bill Romanowski across the course of his career. Hey NFL Legal, I here there's an orphanage showing the Superbowl in their basement! Go get 'em!

MM: C'mon, don't feign surprise when finding out shrinking your testies and 'roid raging on JJ Stokes falls off the radar compared to CORPORATE PARTNERSHIPS when talking about the NFL.

ED:  Greatest NFL personality going - Pacman Jones takes out a full page ad in the Nashville Tennessean to apologize to Titan fans for his actions.  Oh, Pacman.  You had me at hello.

ED:  Eagles coach Andy Reid's sons both plead not guilty to charges stemming from their separate traffic incidents in January.  Andy Reid shakes his head in disapproval since he would have started the proceedings with an onside kick.

ED:  Oh yeah, and Vince Young is going to be the Madden cover boy.  Yeah.  Well…yeah.

OTHER

ED:  CFL NEWZ!!!  The Edmonton Eskimos release RB Antonio Warren and DB's Keyuo Craver and Roosevelt Williams. The Toronto Argos pick up OL Taylor Robertson and a fourth-round pick from the Calgary Stampeders for the Argos first-and third-round picks in the 2007 Canadian draft.

JS: ASIAN GAMES NEWZ!!!!! INCHEON! Is your 2014 host! They won out over Delhi using the same strategy as Salt Lake City and Doha: throwing around tons of cash. Poor poor India--but shouldn't they be flush with cash with all that outsourcing?!?!? Also: cricket and….wait for it…..DANCESPORT confirmed for 2014! Yes! Gold medals for ballroom dancing! I've already bought plane tickets.

JS: OLYMPICS NEWZ!!!!! CHICAGO! Is your official American submission for 2016! They'll be up against at least Tokyo, Prague and Rio. Considering your average non-American has only heard of New York and (possibly) San Francisco--I would say they're in trouble. But apparently we're next in the continental rotation, so who knows?

MM: "Continental rotation" sounds like Oprah and Rosie trading ice cream bong rips.

JS: BOSTON MARATHON! They held it! Won by Robert Cheruiyot of--OMG--Kenya and Lidiya Grigoryeva of Russia. Wheelchair won by Masazumi Soejima and Wakako Tsuchida. Japanese wheel technology is unmatched!

JS: CRICKET WORLD CUP! Lord it’s still going on. Your final four are Sri Lanka, New Zealand, Australia, and South Africa.