The Week That Was 1/29/07 - 2/4/07  

ED:  In Prince's honor, we are all wearing ass-less pants.

PR: For some of us, it is because it is Tuesday.

JS: For others—it is strictly a comfort thing.

BB: And finally, some of us don't have an ass, which means people on a message board who haven't seen a girl naked before will talk about how they wouldn't throw it in us. Yup yup.

NFL

PR: Someone with less hate in their heart can talk about the Hall of Fame inductions. That person is not me nor is it Ed.

ED: Oh…frickin’ not working blue rule. I will pass then. I STILL LOVE YOU, RAY GUY!!!

JS: The whole Ray Guy thing is absurd at this point. Football writers only like certain parts of football.

BB: And then there are some of us (I can say us at this point, right?) who don't like any part of football.

JS: Since I’m not that hate-consumed: Michael Irvin, Thurman Thomas, Bruce Matthews, and Roger Wehrli are in. Old people committee choices: Charlie Sanders, Gene Hickerson. Not in: Guy, Art Monk, Russ Grimm, Paul Tagliabue (just to prove that the NFL does not completely hate Baltimore.)

BB: Three of those four guys who didn't get in are WHITE! The NFL is RACIST. We need a Yenoor Rule.

ED: SUPA BOWL!!!! PEYTON MANNING!!! Doesn’t choke! BRIAN URLACHER!!! Sure did get handled. Colts 29, Bears 17.

JS: WEATHER!!! At the Superbowl! I loved it. Plus Rex Grossman’s comic timing was impeccable.

BB: Also his timing in getting me out the door seven minutes before the end of the game.

ED:  AWARDZ!!!  Chargers RB LaDainian Tomlinson and Saints QB Drew Brees are named co-NFL Players of the Year and Saints' head coach Sean Payton is named NFL coach of the Year.

PR: WHY DIDN'T BILL BELICHICK GET VOTES?!?!?!?!?! WHERE IS THE JUSTICE??!?!? Yes - I heard this on sports radio this week. I hate myself.

PR: And speaking of Belichick - Ted Johnson says Belichick is a bad man and made him play with a concussion. Clearly, with a scrambled brain, he was unable to grasp the genius that is Belichick.

ED: Aww, but if he had a stroke, he would be the greatest thing ever.

BB: Maybe this is how the mistress got involved. He goes after concussed people? I've seen worse strategies.

ED:  More Assistant coaching moves…just to make Phil, Bill and Marc happy.  The Giants hire Chris Palmer as their new QB's coach.  The Cards hire Maurice Carthon as their new RB's coach and Richie Anderson as their new TE's coach.

PR: Man - Anderson coaching tight ends is weird. Is he going to so them all how not to convert the halfback option from the two yard line?

BB: How to follow Bill Parcells around? Will Pepper Johnson and Otis Smith be his TA's?

ED:  Indianapolis announces they are bidding for the 2011 Super Bowl.  God, that may be the cutest thing ever since Cincinnati's bid for the 2008 Olympics.

JS: Quiet, Ed. God loves the whole entire Colts organization.

ED:  TROUBLE LIST - Chargers S Terrence Kiel is cited for urinating in public.  Aww, and to think that his coach pees down his leg in public playoff games all the time and no one arrests him.

BB: Was his pee purple? Kiel's, not Schottenheimer's. Not really sure why Marty's pee would be purple. Maybe he abuses Dimetapp.

PR: The NFL rules that the Jets did not tamper with Deion Branch. Aww... now they get to keep their draft picks. MORE TO SQUANDER!!!

BB: Mmmm....daddy needs a long snapper and a H-back baby.

PR: OH MY GOD!!! OH MY GOD!!! OH MY GOD!!! BRETT FAVRE WILL PLAY NEXT YEAR!!! THE LADIES OF GREEN BAY WILL NEED MORE PANTIES!!!

BB: To throw at him? To change out of?

PR: Ricky Proehl announces that he will retire after the Super Bowl. Long may you ride white wideout.

BB: Some days I wonder if people visit this site and think we are incredibly racist. The truth, of course, is that we are but we just hate white people.

JS: Nothing has brought out the stupid on radio Philadelphia this week quite like Andy Reid’s two kids getting in trouble with the law in separate incidents (car accident and a gun charge, I think) on the same day.

NCAA

ED:  Bobby Ross retires as head football coach of Army.  Mmm, I smell new Cowboys head coach hire.

JS: Hee hee, Duke lost twice!

BB: Aww...their poor little Facebook-poking plan has failed miserably.

SOCCER

PR: All of Italian soccer suspended after a police officer is killed and scores injured in fan violence. Several folks from England taunt them which was very... ironic.

BB: OK let's separate now.

England -- stadiums go on fire and people die
England in Europe -- people get crushed to death trying to flee riots
Italy -- people throw flares on the field (sweet sweet Milan derby; poor Brazilian goalie whose name I am too lazy to look up), sometimes they hit referees or players. Apparently now police officers get car bombed, as in people throw bombs into their car
Iberia -- nothing really
France -- fans get into riots with fans of their former colonies during friendlies
Germany -- packs like 120,000 people into stadiums and they can all agree on one thing: they hate America
US -- pitied mostly
Eastern Europe -- make monkey noises and throw bananas on the field as if they've never seen a brother before. They don't get interracial porn there?

PR: Transfer window is officially closed. Fans can commence bitching about their favorite clubs inability to do anything right.

BB: Awww...I remember when Milan Manderic was going to take over Leicester.

PR: THE AMERICANS ARE TAKING OVER LIVERPOOL!!! RUN FOR THE HILLS!!! NO ONE IS THINKING ABOUT THE CHILDREN!!!

BB: I mean - jesus. Three Americans buy teams and I don't get a freaking job offer? Have these people NOT seen my CM credentials?

JS: Colorado Rapids to get the Eurorebranding to Colorado Arsenal or Arsenal Colorado. Hey, maybe if NFL Europa renamed their franchises in the American style, football would really catch on over there! Oh wait….

BB: Maybe if they renamed their teams after local soccer teams people would actually go...

JS: FOUR NATIONS! It sounded semi-dreadful—Germany alone played three 0-0 games--with teams running out their alternate and experimental squads out there to tune-up for the World Cup in the fall. Team USA did win, for whatever that is worth. And Silke Rottenberg injured herself in practice and is doubtful for the WC.

BB: By experimental squads do you mean they sent out eleven lesbians? Would that be alternate?

NBA

ED:  The Grizzlies waive G Eddie Jones…who will likely re-sign with the Heat.  Yes.  This counts as NBA news this week.

ED:  LAYIN' DOWN THA LAW!!!  Lakers G Kobe Bryant is suspended one game for taking a swing at Spurs G Manu Ginobili.  And yeah, I think everyone enjoys the fact that he chose to sit out the Knicks game when he knows that wouldn't hurt the Lakers.

BB: Well he came back for the Celtics game which was even less relevant.

PR: All I care about is the Gilbert Arenas/DeShawn Stevenson 3-point contest video... which is the reason why the internet exists. Probably the thing I miss second most behind Nick Johnson is Gilbert Arenas.

BB: Oh this was the greatest thing I've seen all time all my life without question. Gilbert Arenas is at my dream poker table sucking out on James Woods and then rolling over it.

JS: This is Agent Zero’s world, we’re just living in it.

NHL

ED:  Bill will now tell you all about his food poisoning episode.

PR: Aww... I am so out of the loop. Stupid job with no internet.

BB: Umm...I ate food. I had food poisoning. It was spewed back out with force out of a variety of orifii. I hobbled to the store in agony to get medicine and then slept for about twelve hours. That was the whole story I guess.

MLB

ED:  Art Fowler, best known as Billy Martin's drinking buddy, dead at 84. Former White Sox pitching coach Ray Berres dead at 99.

BB: I would say that now he can drink with Billy again but I'm sure he's been imagining that he's already been for a dozen years or so and just not noticed that Martin wasn't, in fact, next to him.

ED:  PLAYA MOVEMENT!!!  The O's claim P Jeremy Guthrie off of waivers from the Indians.  The Dodgers sign P Chin-hui Tsao.  The Blue Jays sign Victor Zambrano.  The Padres officially sign OLD David Wells. The Pirates sign P’s Tony Armas Jr and Danny Kolb. The Reds sign P Brian Meadows. The D-Rays sign NORTHEASTERN ALUM!!! Carlos Pena and C Raul Casanova. Giants C Mike Matheny retires. The A’s sign OF Ricky Ledee. The Mariners sign P Jim Parque. The Rockies release OF Choo Freeman. The Astros sign P’s Rick White and Scott Sauerbeck. The Orioles sign P Paul Shuey. The Dodgers sign OF Larry Bigbie.

PR: Freddy Sanchez resigns with the Pirates. I will eagerly await those stories midseason where you here about Sanchez and Jason Bay hiding in a corner, bemoaning being trapped in Pittsburgh.

BB: I can't wait for Rippa to sign Jim Parque in fantasy and then think that we were running a 2000 re-simulation fantasy league or something and be confused and immediately cut him.

ED:  Red Sox P Curt Schilling announces he will not retire after the 07 season and that he'd like a contract for 08…but of course, kindly ol' Curt doesn't want a pay raise or anything.  Though, if one were willing to give him the Nobel Prize, the great Albino would not complain.

ED: The Caribbean World Series has started. Luis Polonia playing for the Dominican Republic frees us of a FPotM…I hope.

BB: Oh without question. I'm trying to find a spot on the rosters for Jeff Innis, too.

OTHER

ED:  Barbaro is still one dead horse.  His owners are still debating where to bury him.  The Alpo company decides to pimp their fresh new “burial grounds.”

BB: This is Justin's section from here on out.

JS: Forgot to mention this week—international cutiepie/Italian flagbearer Carolina Kostner won her elusive first European championship.

JS: WING BOWL XV! It was Joey Chestnut with 182 wings, a new world record, followed by Patrick Bertoletti and Sonya Thomas. The highest local guy was fourth. I love the fact that an event originally intended make up for the championship drought in Philadelphia now features Philadelphians losing to outsiders on a regular basis.

JS: MILLROSE GAMES! There’s been a hundred of them! And I only just heard of them because Gail Devers was in the news for winning the hurdles at the age of 40. Bernard Lagat took the Wanamaker mile, and yay for a track event that still uses the imperial system. Yelena Isinbayeva destroyed the field at pole vault.

JS: ASIAN WINTER GAMES! Kind of test run for Beijing for me, and I’ve discovered the obvious: watching live television from the exact opposite side of the planet is the most difficult way to watch television. If it’s plus or minus six or so hours you can do it without really killing your sleep schedule, but twelve—you gotta sleep sometime. Of course, watching Macau give up 26 goals is also pretty sleep-inducing.

JS: ICE HOCKEY: Only slightly more competitive than Asian Games basketball is Asian Games hockey, because the dropoff happens after two teams, Kazakhstan and Japan, and not just one (as in Team China basketball.) Japan over Kazakhstan for men’s gold and the reverse for women’s. This is where we had some absurd scores, like the South Korean women losing 20-0 and the Thai men losing 52-1. At least the Thais have the excuse of living in a, you know, tropical country.

JS: SHORT TRACK: Not dominated by Korea! The Chinese have mostly caught up, and actually won one more medal (though they were tied for golds.)

JS: ALPINE SKIING/BIATHLON/CROSS-COUNTRY: This is also when I fell asleep. Four of Kazakhstan’s six golds were in cross-country.

JS: FREESTYLE SKIING: Whoever in the Chinese sports bureaucracy said to themselves “Hey! We’re good at diving—maybe we’ll be good at freestyle too?” deserves a promotion. Li Nina and Han Xiaopeng were your women’s and men’s gold medal winners. Little-known Asian games rule: one country cannot sweep the podium in any given event. Ordinarily I hate this rule, but if you’re trying to develop a sport for future Olympic success I can see it being useful, as it led to Mongolia’s only medal in the entire Games: a women’s bronze.

JS: SNOWBOARD: Dominated by the EXTREME! nation of Japan.

JS: FIGURE SKATING: Poor Fumie Suguri—she easily was the biggest name at the Games, and she still lost, to countrywoman Yukari Nakano. China and Japan took all the men’s and dance medals. In the pairs it was Shen & Zhao by a kilometer over Pang & Tong. A lucky Uzbek pair took bronze under the Asian Games “no sweep” rule.

JS: SPEED SKATING: No Dutch fans means half-empty speed skating rinks. This was Korea and China doing very well, much like the short track results.

JS: CURLING: Korea! Regents of Asian curling! I only saw the Korea-Japan women’s gold medal game, and it was quite dramatic, with Korea coming back from 6-2 in the 7^th end to win it 7-6 with Japan having last stone.

JS: Yeah--you thought the competitive balance in the regular Asian Games was bad. This was, again, Chinese domination, followed by, again, Japan and Korea fighting it out for second and third (Japan pulled ahead in the end) and, again, Kazakhstan in a distant fourth. But unlike the Doha Games East Asia peppered with Kazakhs was the near entirety of the Winter medaling. Mideast, South Asia—time to step up your games! Wait—it doesn’t snow in Bangalore? You don’t say…

BB: This is why he's here, people.