The Week That Was 3/19/07 - 3/25/07  

ED:  HI! This is Ed. This is Ed facing a four day weekend. This is Ed facing a four day weekend seriously half-assing the WTW. This is you not caring since you’re all here for VP.com’s hottest post-grad – JUSTIN SLOTMAN!!!

BB (9:30:48 PM): well - at least i am not the unc mascot

PR (9:31:00 PM): aww... that will teach him to visit NJ

BB (9:31:11 PM): ok - that should be our entire contribution to the wtw

JS: Sometimes it’s a good thing nobody actually pays any attention to us.

NBA

ED: Bobcats GM Michael Jordan fills the emptiness of his life post-estrangement by avowing his love for a Texas basketball player.

ED: Seriously, when the hell are we getting the Ron Artest-Pacman Jones reality TV show?

JS: This is how low the threshold for the NBA TROUBLE LIST!!!! is these days—the league actually reprimanded Gilbert Arenas for making $10 bets with fans and talking about it on his blog. (They even scrubbed his post of any mention of the bets. Amazing.) Oscar Goodman on line two, Mr Commissioner!

NHL

JS: Awwww….how about those Devils? A Flyer and a Ranger got in a fight and the highlights were on Sportscenter a lot. Playoffs are coming. There’s, um, a team in Nashville. Ummm…..LOOK! There’s Bernie Parent! (Runs away.)

AFL

WEEK FOUR!!!

JS: Crush 47, Soul 71! Soul 3-0? Graziani competent?!? Holee molee.

JS: Dragons 59, Storm 52. You know it’s a bad year for Team Sweater Vest when they’re losing to the Dragons.

JS: Rampage 42, Utah 83. That Rampage win was so long ago….

JS: Gladz 41. Rattlers 68 and true kings of the desert. Even a 57-year old Sherdrick Bonner can beat Las Vegas.

JS: Possible ARENABOWL PREVIEW!!!: SaberCats 62, Force 64.

JS: And the Rush beat the Destroyers 55-47. All is as it should be.

JS: Avengers 48, VooDoo (I swear, they spell it VooDoo) 36 and in New Orleans to boot. Hmmm….the Sonny Cumbie era is going better than I would have expected.

JS: Kats 70, Wranglers 63! Jeff Smoker! Always at a loss for anything clever to say about the stupid Kats!

NCAA

ED: Tubby Smith is supposedly quitting as the basketball coach of the University of Kentucky and will take the University of Minnesota gig. Well…yeah…that makes sense. I mean, why risk losing in a basketball conference when you can go to the Big 10+1/372*9346 and whip on a bunch of teams that still believe in Hoosier?

JS: Minnesota Golden Gophers job=golden twilight for a guy who’s won a title and just wants to have a normal job. I think men’s basketball ranks below the Lynx on the Minneapolis sports depth chart.

JS: FINAL FOUR!!! All set! UNC had an epic meltdown against Georgetown, Florida sleptwalk past Oregon, UCLA made my eyes bleed versus Kansas, and Ohio State out-Odened Memphis. Poor poor Joey Dorsey.

JS: LADIES TOURNEY!!!!! WHAT HUH RUTGERS BEATS DUKE?!?!!? Yes! It’s true! Note how almost every Rutgers player is from New York or North Jersey, and note how pathetic the Rutgers men’s team is, and then weep openly. The Marist Lady Red Foxes had the misfortune of going up against Pat Summitt. Results were predictable.

JS: NCAA HOCKEY TOURNEY!!!! Hockey section still unloved! Alabama-Huntsville—the Campbell Fighting Camels of this tournament—took Notre Dame into two overtimes before losing. I can barely follow the USCHO schedule page—suffice it to say, your Frozen Four are Maine, Michigan State, North Dakota and B.C.

MLB

ED: Aww, damn it! Tony LaRussa gets busted for a DUI AFTER I write the NL Central. Oh, curse you life!

ED: The Rangers end their agreement with Ameriquest mortgage company and now The Ballpark In Arlington returns to the stupidest name in all of sports – The Ballpark in Arlington. Stupid ARM loans on the A-Rod deal.

ED: Red Sox OF Manny Ramirez is auctioning off his grill – no, not bling-bling gril, but BBQ grill – on eBay. Oh…you want me to make a fat Red Sox fan joke do ya? BAH!!! I WILL SWERVE AND MAKE A – well, he had to get rid of it before Tom Brady knocks it up too joke.

ED: PLAYA MOVEMENT!!! In a nutshell – all MLB teams hate hot, young, sexy prospects. I hate life.

SOCCER

JS: Oh, I don’t know. This is becoming the next hockey section.

JS: Wait—we beat Ecuador in some kind of friendly! Which may or may not have been an excuse to show off our classy new pinstripe uniforms.

JS: And then—I decided to check if Schalke was still in first place (they are) and I discover that Bayern is appealing Oliver Kahn’s one-match suspension by UEFA. Did we cover this? They suspended him for throwing his urine sample after trying to produce for an hour and a half. He was frustrated because he couldn’t go. That’s the heart of a champion! Just not the urethra.

NFL

ED: Former Charger and Bengal Ernie Wright dead at 67.

ED:  PLAYA MOVEMENT!!!  The Raiders sign 3B Josh Booty…GRRRRRR. STUPID NOT WORKING BLUE!!! The Broncos sign WR Brandon Stokley. The Texans sign LB Shawn Barber. The Redskins trade S Adam Archuleta's to the Chicago Bears for a sixth-round draft pick. The Jets sign QB Marques Tuiasosopo. The Texans pick up QB Matt Schaub from the Atlanta Falcons for a switch in first-round picks in the ‘07 draft and a pair of second-round picks.

ED: TROUBLE LIST!!! Dolphins LB Joey Porter punches Bengals OT Levi Jones in the face at a Vegas casino. Atlanta police are investigating an alleged rape at the home of Seahawks DE Patrick Kerney.

OTHER

JS: OTHER SECTION!!! As OTHER as it gets is the WOMEN’S WORLD CURLING CHAMPIONSHIP!!!! Won by Canada, natch. The Danes went down 8-4 in the final and conceded. Awful ice in Japan, but nobody’s ever happy in curling.

JS: Apparently ESPN signed a deal to cover Major League Lacrosse games through—2016? Jeez, alternative sports leagues really are the new growth market.

JS: The death of Bob Woolmer officially became a MURDER MYSTERY! last week as authorities determined he did not die of natural causes. In regards to the actual Cricket World Cup event—India has also crashed out, joining mortal enemy Pakistan. Your Super 8 (it’s like the Elite 8, but they play for three and a half weeks) are Sri Lanka, Australia, the West Indies (huh? That’s a region, not a country. Stupid cricket), New Zealand, England, Ireland (!), South Africa, and Bangladesh.

JS: WORLD FIGURE SKATING CHAMPIONSHIPS!!!! Top of the world, ma! In Tokyo. And the Japanese took three medals, including the all-important ladies gold, won by Miki Ando--who weirdly won on points despite finishing second in both the short and the free. Kim Yu-Na crushed on the short program but fell in the free and went to bronze. Mao Asada won the free but just barely over Ando—who was thus golden. Japan also won the men’s silver via Daisuke Takahashi; Brian Joubert of France took gold and Stephane “The Swiss” Lambiel was bronze. Kimmie Meissner—off the podium and in fourth. Evan Lysacek—off the podium and fifth. Inoue and Baldwin—come on. (Pairs won by Shen and Zhao, followed by Pang and Tong and then a German couple whose name escapes me. I can’t handle multiple syllables in pairs.) WOULD BELBIN AND AGOSTO BRING HOME THE GOLD? No—but the Can-Am connection of the 00s did bring home our only hardware, a bronze. Silver went to Dubreuil and Lauzon, Canadians until Congress propses emergency legislation to make them Americans as well. Gold went to Denkova and Staviski of Bulgaria, and I have nothing to say about that save that Bulgaria seems to be the Ohio of Eastern Europe. And thus the Week That Was ends not as it always does, but as it could, and perhaps should: with lame jokes about Ed’s unbeloved homeland. This is our country…..