The Week That Was 3/26/07 - 4/1/07  

ED:  BULDGY!!!

JS: I don’t know what that means. I’m oooooold.

NBA

ED: Shaquille O’Neal passes Reggie Miller for 12^th on the NBA’s all time scoring list. Wow, getting around those ears really is an accomplishment.

ED: Michael Ray Richardson, coach of the CBA’s Albany Paltroons, is suspended by the league for making anti-Semitic remarks. Charlie Ward has your back, Michael Ray.

JS: And the funny thing was, he had no idea that saying he had big-time Jew lawyers would get him into trouble. None whatsoever! You have to admire that combination of racism and naivete.

ED: Portland announces that Kevin Pritchard will be their new GM. Poor little guy.

NHL

ED: Uhh…it’s spring, the ice is melting?

JS: Jeez….as of 4/1, there were still some playoff positions not sewn up. That’s it.

AFL

Finishing up WEEK FOUR!!!!

JS: Dallas 70, Predz 36 as Dallas stays unbeaten. CLINT DOLEZEL IS NONSTOPPABLE!!!

WEEK FIVE!!!

JS: On Friday it was Columbus over Georgia and Kansas City over Arizona by identical 62-61 scores (though it took Kansas City an overtime to get there.) The chances of this happening were roughly equivalent to the chances of the Destroyers winning for a second time—so Friday was doubly miracled.

JS: Preds 45, VooDoo 48! Five days’ rest and another loss for the other Gruden.

JS: Dallas 68, Austin 64. Did you know Deion is a part-owner of the Wranglers? Can you name an AFL team that doesn’t have a non-hateful segment of its ownership?

JS: San Jose 69 versus Tampa Bay’s 49. Awww…the Storm are having a Rampage-like season. (The actual Rampage were mercifully given the week off.)

JS: Soul 65, Dragons 60 in game the Soul blew open early and then tried hard to suck slightly less than the Dragons. A low threshold to meet, to be sure.

JS: Ah, non-Clippers mediocrity at Staples: Avengers 31, Chicago 66.

JS: Crush 55, Kats 48. I have no non-Elway joke and/or reference.

JS: Utah 57, Las Vegas 47 in front of 5000+ screaming Las Vegasians. I haven’t seen a sports franchise whip up that city since the legendary Jerry Tarkanian. Ayep.

NCAA

ED: FINAL FOUR!!!! WHEE!!! COLUMBUS IS BURNING!!!!

JS: Anticlimax, thy name is Final Four. Georgetown stunk against Ohio State, UCLA stunk against Florida. On the women’s side LSU stunk against Rutgers. The only game worth a fig was Tennessee coming back from like 10 down in the final eight minutes to beat North Carolina. Boy, that Pat Summitt sure can coach. Frak Billy Donovan, Isiah needs to go after her!

ED: West Virginia wins the NIT. Yeah. Didn’t think anyone cared.

JS: And then Beilein got snapped up by Michigan. Stupid Big 10. But at least there’ll be one team in that league whose style of play won’t cause rampant eye-bleeding.

ED: COLLEGE BASKETBALL AWARDZ!!!! Kevin Durant of the University of Texas is named the AP’s college basketball player of the year. (Yep, Michael Jordan and Danny Ainge will need some extra tissues.) Washington State head coach Tony Bennett is named the AP’s college basketball coach of the year.

ED: Purdue football player Selwyn Lymon is stabbed in the chest outside of a Indiana nightclub and is in critical condition. Wait. Purdue has football?

JS: Purdue has an athletic program besides women’s basketball?

MLB

ED: DL LIST!!! Marlins OF Jeremy Hermida (bad knee), Yankees P Chien-ming Wang (hamstring), Mets P Duaner Sanchez (shoulder), White Sox C Toby Hall (shoulder – likely done for the season), Cubs P Kerry Wood (shoulder), Orioles OF Jay Payton (hamstring), Pirates P Masumi Kuwata (ankle), Nats 1B Nick Johnson (broken...everything), Nats P Luis Ayala (elbow), Nats P Mike O'Connor (elbow), Nats unibomber Alex Escobar (shoulder), Marlins P Taylor Tankersley (Shoulder), Brewers 3B Corey Koskie (broken brain), Dodgers OF Jason Repko (hamstring), Astros P Brandon Backe (elbow), Astros C Hector Gimenez (shoulder), Angels 3B? Chone Figgins (broken fingers), Tigers P Kenny Rogers (blood clot), Rangers CANADIAN PVC!!! Eric Gagne (elbow/back), Rockies LOOGY!!! Tom Martin (getting his groin right), Dodgers SS Rafael Furcal (ankle), A’s 1B Dan Johnson (hip), Yankees P Jeff Karstens (elbow), Tigers C Vance Wilson (elbow), Blue Jays P John Thompson (shoulder), D-Backs OF Carlos Quenten (shoulder)

ED: PLAYA MOVEMENT!!! The Rangers claim P Ezequiel Astacio off waivers from Astros. The Brewers trade OF Brady Clark to the Dodgers for P Elmer Dessens. The Marlins pick up PVC!!! Jorge Julio from the Arizona Diamondbacks for P Yusmeiro Petit. The Padres release DIVE, TODD! DIVE!!! Todd Walker. The Royals pick up P Ben Hendrickson from the Milwaukee Brewers for C Maxim St. Pierre. The Orioles pick up C Alberto Castillo from the Boston Red Sox for OF Cory Keylor. The Phillies release OF Karim Garcia. The A’s return Rule 5 pick Ryan Goleski to the Indians. The Cubs ship PERFECT MECHANICS!!! Mark Prior to the minors. The Twins ship PROSPECT!!! Matt Garza to the minors. The Nats pick up the contracts of 1B Dmitri Young and P Ray King and release 1B Travis Lee. The Pirates trade SS Tony Pena Jr. to the Royals for P Erik Cordier. The Royals ship ROOKIE OF THE YEAR!!! Angel Berroa to the minors. The Tigers ship SLOTH!!! Chris Shelton to the minors. The Pirates allow PVC!!! Danny Kolb to become a FA. The D-Rays release P Dan Miceli and ship (sorta)PVC Seth McClung to the minors.

ED: Former PVC!!! Ugueth Urbina is sentenced to 14 years in a Venezuelan jail for attempted murder. That’s right kids, he will get out just in time for a comeback and big money contract with the Orioles.

ED: The widow of former Yankees P Cory Lidle is suing MetLife for the money she says the Players Union owes her for the accidental death of her husband – WHICH the Player’s Union and the insurance company will not pay since there is a clause in the union insurance plan for deaths involving players piloting planes. Whoops.

ED: Bronx little league legend Danny Almonte signs with the independent league Southern Illinois Miners. What’s the over/under for when he becomes a Met?

ED: Dodgers 1B Nomar Garciaparra and his wife Mia Hamm have twins. One, apparently, will be a good athlete, the other will be brittle and a clubhouse cancer.

ED: Yankee owner George Steinbrenner’s daughter, Jennifer, files for divorce from HEIR APPARENT TO THE YANKEE THRONE!!! Steve Swindal. You know, I hear Michael Kay is single. I can imagine Phil would approve of Michael Kay becoming the new HEIR APPARENT TO THE YANKEE THRONE!!!

SOCCER

JS: Who knows? ManU’s still in front, there’s some other Euroleagues with the same goshforsaken teams at the top week after mindnumbing week. And the rest of the world is just gaga for this stuff and I’m not a soccer hater by any stretch but I just don’t get it sometimes. Well, I just needed to get that off my chest. Thanks for listening, oh ye Internets.

NFL

ED: Former Rams and Colts RB Marshall Faulk officially announces his retirement.

ED: The Saints reach and agreement to stay in New Orleans at least through 2010. Or until the next big hurricane hits. Whichever comes first.

ED: Speaking of strong winds blowing through – ESPN shakes up the Monday Night Football crew, kicking Joe Theismann to the curb (YESSSSSSS!!!!) and replacing him with Ron Jaworski (Awww, crap!).

JS: A mild awww crap and a huge YESSSSS, indeed. Jaws isn’t the solidest commentator in the world, but he’s enthusiastic and at least a million times better than Joe T.

ED: That Bears fan who lost the Super Bowl bet and was going to change his name to Peyton Manning? Yeah, an Illinois judge shot that down.

ED: PLAYA MOVEMENT!!! The Bears sign DT Anthony Adams. The Jags sign TE Jermaine Wiggins and S Kevin McCadam. Aww, this will make Marc happy – the Jets sign DE Andre Wadsworth. The Jets also sign DE David Bowens. The Redskins sign T Jason Fabini. The Lions sign G Zach Piller. The Bills trade LB Takeo Spikes and QB Kelly Holcomb to the Eagles for DT Darwin Walker and a conditional 2008 draft pick. The Giants sign LB Kawika Mitchell. The Chiefs sign S Jon McGraw.

ED: TROUBLE LIST!!! Former Colts S Dexter Reid is busted for DUI and drug and gun possession charges. Carolina Panthers G D'Anthony Batiste is busted for carrying a concealed weapon. Oh, Pacman Jones and Chris Henry. Whatever are we going to do with you guys? Broncos WR Brandon Marshall is arrested on suspicion of domestic violence and false imprisonment charges. Bucs RB Lionel Gates is arrested for assaulting a pregnant woman.

OTHER

ED: Yeah. That Michael Phelps. He sure is a fast swimmer.

JS: Yes—and that’s a perfect segue into the FINA WORLD CHAMPIONSHIPS!!!! Seven golds for that Phelps guy! The only way you’ll ever see swimming on ESPN! And he would have had eight were it not for a disqualification during one of the relay events. Libby Lenton of Australia had five golds, but come on, that’s small potatoes compared with both Phelps and the overall 36-21 medal thrashing Team USA handed the Australians. WE OWN U, PIRATELAND!!!! Meanwhile China owned everybody at the diving platform, taking 9 of 10 possible golds (and 14 of 30 possible medals—one gets the feeling they could take most of the medals if they felt like playing things that way.) We and they sort of balance each other out as far as aquatic medals go, but if we can compete like this in Beijing we’ll certainly have an overall edge. But Olympic athletes love to crap out when they’re suddenly on NBC (Bob Costas and his intimidating hair and all) so who know. Synchro was dominated by Russia and those weird swimming marathons were won various and sundry Russians and Germans. Men’s water polo was won by Croatia and women’s by—what’s this? USA?!? Over the cheating pirate women again, 10-9. Ah, another team sport for American women to dominate. Thank you, Title IX! Rutgers didn’t need that men’s fencing team anyways.

JS: Morgan Pressel is your youngest ever LPGA Major winner. Somewhere Michelle Wie weeps (and I’m sure this is literally true.)