The Week That Was 4/2/07 - 4/8/07  

ED:  Yes, the annual VP.com outing will involve us taking Bill snipe hunting.

MM: SportsCenter is now covering UFC. Dare we speak of face punching and ground grappling? HAPPY PETER RABBITT DAY!

NBA

ED:  I pour a 40 for Gilbert Arenas.  Be brave only person worth paying attention to in this entire league.

MM: Even Gilbert's adidas commercial is pimptastic. Full on shot at Golden State. Full comically Osama looking beard on his characture just to emphasize that not only does he score more than you on TNT and with DD's but his facial hair is superior, too.

ED:  The Basketball Hall of Fame announces its inductees including Phil Jackson, Roy Williams and the entire 1966 Texas Western team.  Mmm, patting oneself on the back to relieve liberal guilt.

MM: I'm pretty sure Phil gets Jennie Buss to pat him on the...ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, you meant the people coached by Josh Lucas.

ED:  OK.  Kevin Willis really signed with the Mavs?  Is Mark Cuban just trying to create his own Pros v. Joes program?

ED:  Knicks coach Isiah Thomas is fined $50K for stating that the NBA does not treat Knicks G Stephon Marbury like a star.  Well…yeah.

MM: HE HAS FOURTEEN DOLLAR SHOES ON THE MARKET!!! HE REPRESENTS THE LEAGUE! Eddy Curry hit a three he would only take on a team completely lacking direction or veteran presenceness to tie and eventually beat the Bucks, too, so its not all weird out of Dolanland.

ED:  Oh, Michael Ray Richardson.  Did you not see your firing coming?

NHL

ED:  Right.  Like I need this after spending all week on the baseball preview.

MM: Colorado is eliminated from playoff contention? Wha? Gary Bettman shredded the memos where you fix the Lottery to put Ewing in NY and Duncan on the Spurs? I thought it was obligatory that the Avalanche and Red Wings meet each season without shaving.

AFL

WEEK SIX!!!

NCAA

ED:  Former Grambling football coach Eddie Robinson dead at 88.

ED: Rice University basketball player Jonathan Bailey is stabbed to death outside a bar in Houston.

MM: No truth to the rumors it was Scott Drew trying to un-Baylor Baylor.

ED:  BASKETBALL SEASON IS OVER!!! I REJOICE!!!  Florida is your men's national champs and Tennessee is your women's national champs.  I will refrain from making jokes about FLORIDA OWNING OHIO STATE IN EVERYTHING!!!  Oh.  No I didn't.  Whoops.

MM: I think SI covered that for you, what with their doing what men do when they are sexually excited all over this week's cover, which included orgas...errrrrrrrrrrrrrr, covers past. After watching Corey Brewer's semi-handpicapped toothy press conference, I didn't need to see his his stick figure on the front of a national publication. On the plus side, good for Candace Parker. She's as cute as a Joakim Noah and Pat Summit adult encounter is sterilizing.

ED:  HOOPS COACHING MOVEZ!!! Kentucky hires Texas A&M coach Billy Gillispie as their new hoops coach.  Bob Huggins skips out of Kansas State and takes the West Virginia gig.

MM: Recruit Michael Beasley will be happy to know the K-State AD wasn't letting commits out of their scholarships until a new coach is hired. I know they're remaking "Escape From New York," but "Hostage in Manhattan" has a certain ring to it.

ED:  Oh yeah, will the last underclassman hoops player left in the NCAA turn out the lights before you get drafted by the Knicks?

ED:  The NCAA Hockey Final Four is on!  Justin will hit that, assumedly.  Of course, I did giggle when coming across the story about how Maine's coach's mother-in-law died before the finals.  Is this supposed to make things bad for him or make the experience all the more enjoyable?  Thank you.  I am here all Week That Was.  Try the veal.

MLB

ED:  THE SEASON HAS BEGUN!!!!  Words cannot express Justin's excitement.

MM: A-ROD WALK OFF GRAND SLAM WITH 2 OUTS IN THE NINTH WITH BASES LOADED FULL OF YANKEES IS CLUTCH AND SEXY!!!

ED:  DL LIST!!!  Nats MONET PIT!!! Christian Guzman (hamstring), Nats OF Nook Logan (foot), Royals PVC Ocatvio Dotel (oblique)

ED:  Ken Griffey Jr announces he will wear Jackie Robinson's number 42 on Jackie Robinson Day on April 15.  As if Jackie Robinson at this stage is that brittle.  And the Dodgers announce that the whole team will wear Robinson's number 42 on Jackie Robinson Day.  Well, at least Luis Gonzalez can tell the team what it was like to play against Jackie Robinson.

MM: Jackie Robinson's elbow RIGHT NOW makes Gonzo's look like it was constructed out of chewing gum, pipe cleaners, and a tampon by MacGuyver.

ED:  TBS hires Cal Ripken and Tony Gwynn as announcers on their nationally televised games this season.  Oh, there will be some eating and grumping involved there.

MM: For a head coach at the college level, Gwynn takes on a ton of other odd jobs. There ARE only three seasons in Mountain West baseball -- baseball season, recruiting, and winter baseball practice.

ED: Hiya, Derek Zumsteg! This is me, your buddy, K-Rod. Now, K-Rod knows the nation is all like – K-Rod hates nerd stat boy for accusing him of cheating. And that couldn’t be further from the truth. K-Rod really doesn’t hate you, Derek. Honest. K-Rod thinks you are a good man just trying to do your job. OK, so you accused K-Rod of cheating, big deal. K-Rod throws a million miles an hour, if K-Rod cheated no one would touch K-Rod. But I’m certain that’s hard to realize when you’re all about spreadsheets and sims and stuff. Which is cool. K-Rod would like to learn more about computers someday. Shoot, you never know. One day K-Rod’s whiffing A-Rod, the next K-Rod’s arm explodes. Need to have something to fall back on. So…here’s a proposition in good faith: you teach K-Rod about computers and K-Rod’ll tell you what it’s like to actually make a sports team. Better than that, K-Rod will actually take you to the stadium of your choice – whatever’s best for you – and give you some pointers as to how…you know…athletes do stuff. Couple of things though – don’t wear the digital watch. K-Rod knows this is a big deal to you, but trust K-Rod, no one wears the calculator watch when they play. We’re kinda funny that way. Also, don’t wear the dress pants, wingtips and short-sleeved shirt with the clip on tie. Definite no-no. Trust, K-Rod. If Rex Hudler or Shea knows you did that, you’d never be able to watch a baseball game again. And those glasses, man…yeah, K-Rod will getcha some sweet wrap-arounds so you can ditch the coke-bottle glasses with all the tape. Deal? OK, K-Rod’ll throw ya some BP, easy meat balls like the rest of the Angel staff throws. Mothing nasty, K-Rod promises. Now, to prepare you, Derek. Just wanna make you aware of some things – when you take some swings in the hot sun, there may be some water that collects on your body. This is sweat. Not certain if you are familiar with sweat, but K-Rod guesses not. The body sweats when you exert energy. It’s natural. You might have seen people sweat when you got out of gym class due to your asthma and spent the gym period reading Baseball Abstracts. Maybe not. K-Rod is not entirely certain, but…just the same, it’s natural so don’t get upset. So, yeah, when K-Rod throw you the BP, just relax if you start to sweat. Oh, waitasecond. Have you ever swung a bat before? K-Rod doesn’t figure you have. Never mind about the BP then. K-Rod’ll just let you talk to the guys who run the score board. Then you can teach K-Rod how to use those computers. Deal? OK. So let K-Rod known when you want to do this, OK? Oh, but you need to be sneaky because Coach Scoiscia thinks you’re a nerd. Cool? Yours truly, K-Rod.

ED:  PLAYA MOVEMENT!!!  The Blue Jays trade P Francisco Rosario to the Phillies for cash.

MM: FORMER ASU PLAYERS I HAVE CRUSHES ON UPDATE -- 2B Dustin Pedroia is making everyone forget Maury Wills with his .500 average, OF Travis Buck makes the Catch of the Season versus OC Angels, and 1B Jeff Larish will spend a week at Erie hitting every pitch fifty feet beyond outfield walls before replacing effeminate Sean Casey.

SOCCER

MM: Soccer-only stadiums are the new Camden Yards. Colorado Rapids break in new digs like a sophomore at prom with a W in MLS's debut.

NFL

ED:  Former Pats WR Darryl Stingley dead at 55.  Moral dilemma - How long do I have to wait to rejoice in dead pool points?

ED:  PLAYA MOVEMENT!!!  The Colts sign G Rick DeMulling.  The  Browns sign S Mike Adams.  The Dolphins trade K Olindo Mare to the Saints for a 6^th round pick - and then the Saints promptly cut K John Carney.  The Bucs sign G Matt Lehr.  The Cards sign T Mike Gandy.  The Broncos sign P Todd Sauerbrun.  The Vikings sign S Mike Doss. The Lions sign G Edward Mulitalo.  The Texans sign CB Jamar Fletcher.  The Redskins sign CB David Macklin.  The Panthers sign QB David Carr.

MM: Roger Goddell already BEST NFL COMMISH IN FOOTBALL HISTORY, Cardinals open "Monday Night Football" versus San Francisco. And the Niners don't have no Devin Hesters. Yes.

ED:  That preseason game scheduled for China?  Yeah.  Not happening.  Of course, one might figure that since the Pats were involved in said game that the Chinese government, already fearful of overpopulation, probably didn't want Tommy Babymaker in the country.

MM: If America were bulging at the one gazillion mark in population and with the threat of government death caning for noncompliance looming large, would you float your son down a river if your Mrs. revealed she'd allowed Brady's DNA to enter your relationship?

OTHER

ED:  THE MASTERS!!! Is going down!  Has gone down!  Whatever!  Whee!  God do I not give a crap.

MM: Ryder Cup rookie Zach Johnson shot the least worst golf to get a green jacket and his pets' names on the front of the USA Today sports page.