The Week That Was 4/9/07 - 4/15/07  

ED: Marc wants to lead off like his little hero Pedroia. Bill swoons.

MM: In recognition of his ground breaking achievements, overcoming the prejudices of sizeism pervasive throughout Major League Baseball, I will be wearing Dustin's number 15 this week.

NBA

ED: THE PLAYOFF SPOTS ARE GETTING SEWN UP!!! YAY!

15: TROUBLE LIST!! The Florida Drunk Bug bites again, Heat TALL SOCKS James Posey booked for DUI. Hawks DUNK CHAMP Josh Smith out 2 games for cussing out coach Mike Woodson. Posey swears he wasn't driving the vehicle in question. After Riley's boyfriend LaRussa The Dogsaver suffered at the hands of Johnny Lawmaker I bet Posey didn't even have to run laps.

NHL

15: Ed Belfour went all Barrett Robbins and got tasered in South Beach for resisting arrest. 

ED: And the HOCKEY PLAYOFFS HAVE BEGUN!!!

JS: You know what we forgot to mention, that happened a while back? Lou Lamoriello fired Claude Julien and made himself manager since the Devils weren’t playoff-ready or something. Of course the Devils have already squandered home ice.

AFL

JS: Finishing up WEEK SIX!!!!—the Soul lost in the first episode of Philadelphia Soul Monday Night Arena Football. They have about six more episodes to play with, I think David Baker just wants them to start in a hole early for dramatic purposes.

WEEK SEVEN!!!

JS: VooDoo over SaberCats 67-54. BATTLE OF ODDLY CAPITALIZED TEAM NAMES!

JS: Your Avengers have their win week: 76-63 over Utah.

JS: Yeah, it’s bad in Wrangler land, actually losing to the Destroyers and all. Plus: Grindhouse flopped even worse over the weekend. Poor poor hipster city.

JS: The War on I-4 is at about its lowest all-time point, I would think: Preds 61, Storm 37.

JS: KANSAS CITY! GRAND RAPIDS! It’s a Midwest slobberknocker! The Rampage always lose those. Or anything else.

JS: Rattlers lose by 26 at home to the Kats. Tough times in the desert.

JS: Tee hee—Crush can only eke out 1-point victory over Dragons.

JS: And Force and only eke out 1-point victory over Gladz! The schadenfreudge here is non-existent, of course, relative to a situation that actually involves Elway.

NCAA

ED: Former USC All-American Ralph Heywood dead at 85.

15:  HOOPS COACHING MOVEZ!!! Shockers coach Mark Turgeon takes over at Texas A&M.

ED: And Tommy Amaker is hired by Harvard to be their new hoops coach.

15: Dallas Morning News and Andy Katz say Kevin Durant is off to play for whatever team David Stern decides, Ghostface Killa performing at SXSW could not sway him to stay. Kansas F Julian Wright declares for the NBA Draft, too.

15: Al Sharpton books an angle to extend his 6,892 Minutes of Fame with cadaver Don Imus, works Rutgers women and national media into thinking Imus is racist an sexist and would say as such on broadcast radio. Sharpton back in news. Imus now on vacation.

ED: Permanent vacation now.

JS: IMUS IS BEING OPPRESSED!!!! WHY CAN’T RICH WHITE PEOPLE CATCH ANY BREAKS??!?!

ED: And those funky rules the NCAA was using in football last year for how the clock runs? Yeah, those are dead.

ED: THE DUKE LAX PLAYAZ ARE INNOCENT!!! Or at least, they are not going to be tried.

MLB

ED: The Angels-Indians series, scheduled to take place in Cleveland, is moved to Milwaukee due to snow. God. I…yeah. I had to think about it but Milwaukee is a step up from Cleveland.

15:  DL LIST!!! Cards P Chris Carpenter (arthritis and "impingement") out a month.

ED: More ouchies – Twins 3B Jeff Cirillo (keee), Twins DL Ron-DL White (calf), Marlins P Ricky Nolasco (elbow), Nationals P Ray King (shoulder), Padres C Josh Bard (getting’ his groin right), Orioles P Jaret Wright (shoulder), Blue Jays OF Reed Johnson (back), Astros P Jason Jennings (elbow), Rangers P Jamey Wright (shoulder), Braves P Chad Paronto (getting his groin right), Blue Jays PVC!!! BJ Ryan (elbow), Yankees P’s Mike Mussina (hamstring) and Carl Pavano (being Carl Pavano)

ED: Dice-K!!! Is outdueled by King Felix!!! OHMYGOD!!! Yeah, you know the most interested party there is Dr. James Andrews.

15: FORMER ASU PLAYERS I HAVE CRUSHES ON UPDATE -- OF Travis Buck has more triples than you've had sex partners. 1B Jeff Larish slumping through a .750/1.500/2.300 season so far.

ED: Phillies minor leaguer Hector Made is suspended 50 games for loving himself some sweet juice.

SOCCER

JS: Who knows? Sweaty, vaguely effeminate men ran around for 90 minutes. Repeat endlessly.

NFL

ED: Hey! The NFL-E season started. I honestly had no clue until Saturday. I am blaming Justin for not letting me know.

JS: I am full of shame. Stupid everything. Cologne, Frankfurt and Berlin started off with teh wins.

ED: THE NFL ROLLZ OUT THA SCHEDULES!!! And that Raiders-Lions game in Week 1 will assuredly make Dave Hogg reconsider his employment options.

MM:  PLAYA MOVEMENT!!! Joey Harrington signs with Atlanta.

ED: Also, the Broncos sign WR David Terrell. The Saints sign WR David Patten. The Dolphins sign T Mike Rosenthal. The Cards sign CB Ralph Brown and DE's Rodney Bailey and Joe Tafoya. The Broncos release LB Al Wilson. The Giants sign DT Marcus Bell, S Michael Stone and QB Anthony Wright. Chiefs G Will Shields retires.

15: Mike Shanahan gets extension in Denver through 2011.

ED: Aww, why do the Broncos want me to love them in a train-wrecky sorta way?

ED: THE NFL LAYZ DOWN THA LAW!!!! Titans CB Pacman Jones is suspended for the entire 2007 for all his off-field problems. Bengals WR Chris Henry is suspended 8 games of the 2007 season for all his off-field problems.

ED: Ricky Williams files for reinstatement from his drug suspension. Well, yeah, look how well he did for the Argos.

JS: The Argos were unbeatable with Ricky in the lineup! Everybody said so!

15: Miami needs to sign Michael Pittman and have a Bel Biv Devoe backfield.

ED: Former Vikings Jim Marshall has his 1991 cocaine possession charges scrubbed from his record. Pacman Jones and Chris Henry immediately subscribe to that newsletter.

ED: Hall of Fame QB Warren Moon is arrested for suspicion of DUI. Now, ordinarily one might compare him to Joe Namath when it comes to drunken HOF QB’s. But of course, Moon is black so…

ED: Well, sorta related since he played like a drunken QB, Drew Bledsoe retires. Thanks for the blog, Drew. You ruled. Romo sucked.

ED: The Eagles are filing a grievance against RB Brian Westbrook after the team pays him his bonus money twice and Westbrook has yet to repay the extra $3 million. Bah. The guy carries the entire offense, the Eagles should just let him keep the scratch and shut up.

OTHER

ED: CFL NEWZ!!!! Yes, most of this is way late - Danny McManus retires to take an analyst gig with TSN. The B.C. Lions release OL Bobby Singh. The Edmonton Eskimos sign LB's Russel Rabe and Kenny Onatolu. The Saskatchewan Roughriders sign OL John Feugill and Ryan Freeman.

ED: Michael Waltrip has a car wreck, flees the scene of the wreck, vanishes for hours and is charged with reckless driving and failure to report an accident charges. Waltrip claims he merely fell asleep at the wheel. Yeah, fell asleep with sweet booze.

JS: You know it’s an off week when I can’t think of a thing to other.