The Week That Was 4/30/07 - 5/6/07  

ED: Mmm, heating up the Yankee-Red Sox war. YAY!!! The rest of America has two teams to completely hate all over again.

NBA

ED: A study rolled out in the New York Times states that white referees call fouls against black players at a higher rate than they do against white players. NBA despot David Stern blasts the study and states that racism "doesn't exist in the NBA." Not to side with Stern or anything but…come on. How many white players are there in the league to call fouls against?

ED: God, the playoffs will never end. Well, the first round is FINALLY completed I guess. WHEE!!! Something-mumble-something floats like butterflies. Mumble.

NHL

ED: Yeah, speaking of playoffs that will never end…DO YOU WANT TO KEEP SCREAMING AT ME OR DO YOU WANT ME TO HELP YOU?!?!?!?!?!

AFL

WEEK TEN!!!

MLB

ED:  DL LIST!!! Orioles P Jaret Wright (shoulder), Mets ANCIENT ZOMBIE!!! Orlando Hernandez (shoulder), Mets 2B Jose Valentin (knee), Braves PVC!!! Bob Wickman (back), Blue Jays P Gustavo Chacin (shoulder), A’s OF Bobby Kielty (calf), Rangers OF Frank Catalanotto (biceps), Yankees P Phil Hughes (hamstring), Braves P Mark Redman (toenail), Angels UTL Maicer Izturis (hamstring), Royals OF Reggie Sanders (hamstring), Red Sox P Mike Timlin (shoulder), Phillies PVC!!! Tom Gordon (rotator cuff), Padres P Clay Hensley (getting his groin right), A’s DH Mike Piazza (shoulder), Orioles P Adam Loewen (elbow), Angels OF Garret Anderson (hip), Rangers P Kevin Millwood (hamstring), Cardinals OF Preston Wilson (knee), Dodgers UTL Marlon Anderson (elbow), Tigers P Joel Zumaya (finger), Twins C Joe Mauer (quads), Nats P John Patterson (elbow)

ED: PLAYA MOVEMENT!!! The Nats DFA NOT NICE!!! D’Angelo Jiminez. The A’s trade OF Ryan Langerhans to the Nats for OF Chris Snelling. The Mets DFA P? Chan Ho Park. The Giants DFA 1B Lance Niekro.

ED: The Yankees sign P Roger Clemens to a 1 year, $28 million dollar deal. WHEE!!!

ED: Yankees PROSPECT!!! Phil Hughes takes a no-hitter into the 7^th inning against Texas, then leaves the game mid-no hitter with a wrecked hammy. Yankees strength and conditioning coach Marty Miller is then promptly fired before he can add to his kill count.

ED: Yankee Manager Joe Torre’s brother, Frank – a former big leaguer, himself, but…ya know…HE DOES NOT HAVE RINGSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! – got a new kidney from his own daughter. Joe Torre is now mining his own family for any useable hamstrings.

ED: It turns out God’s mop up pitcher Josh Hancock was drunk and talking on a cell phone when he wrecked and also had him some mighty fine weed in his car. The Cardinals promptly ban alcohol from their clubhouse – even after Tony LaGenius had slurred through a talk to the team about the dangers of drinking and driving. God, the Cardinals are beautiful.

ED: That Mets fan who got busted for trying to blind Braves P Tim Hudson and SS Edger Renteria with a flash light? Yeah, he is banned from Shea Stadium for 3 years. WAIT!!! I THOUGHT HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE PUNISHED! WHERE IS THE PUNISHMENT HERE????

ED: Angels Manager Mike Scioscia becomes the winningest manager in Angels history. Which says exactly nothing, I know.

ED: Tigers minor league P Sendy Vasquez and Blue Jays minor league P Matt Rooney are suspended 50 games for loving the sweet juice.

ED: TROUBLE LIST!!! Hall of Famer Orlando Cepeda is under investigation from the California Highway Patrol and faces possible charges after pot and possibly coke are found in his car. Come on, he is a former Giant. WE WANT ROIDS!!!! Mariners P Julio Mateo is arrested for allegedly beating up his wife – the Mariners promptly suspend him 10 games and ship him to the minors. Brett Myers chuckles.

SOCCER

NFL

ED: Former Packers LB Bill Forester dead at 74. Former 49er, Saint and Redskin LB Kevin Mitchell dead at 36.

ED:  PLAYA MOVEMENT!!! The Eagles release LB Dhani Jones and sign DT Ian Scott. The Bucs release CB Juran Bolden. The Broncos release P Eddie Johnson. The Chiefs release DE Eric Hicks and trade DT Ryan Sims to the Bucs for an undisclosed draft pick. The Panthers release WR Keyshawn Johnson. The Dolphins release WR Marcus Vick. The Browns release G Joe Andruzzi. The Bills sign RB Josh Scobey. The Falcons sign K Billy Cundiff.

ED: TROUBLE LIST!!! Bears Eternal Trouble Lister, Tank Johnson pleads guilty to a misdemeanor weapons charge. Chargers bullet receptacle Steve Foley pleads guilty to DUI charges. Pacman Jones’ hearing to appeal his one-year suspension from the league will be held May 11. Jags CB Ahmad Carroll is busted on weapon and drug charges.

NCAA

ED: Former Northwestern and Purdue coach and former All American at Illinois, Alex Agase, dead at 85.

ED: The NCAA lays the smack down against a whole bunch of small/non competitive schools for not meeting academic standards, taking away scholarships from said schools for not being very good at their respective sports as a way to mete out punishment to schools no one cares about for the sins of the larger/competitive schools…whoops. I mean, the NCAA are doing this to show they care about academic standards and those small schools that suck are bad. BAD!!!

ED: Reggie Barlow becomes the head football coach at Alabama State. OK, this coupled with Bennie Blades’ son getting drafted by the Redskins made my prostate expand far too much. Stupid youth.

ED: Former Utah head basketball coach Rick Majerus is named the head coach of St. Louis University.

OTHER

ED: Street Sense wins the Kentucky Derby. The Kentucky Derby the Queen of England attended. The Queen of England was in Kentucky. Let me rephrase that - The fricking Queen of fricking England was in fricking Kentucky. Apparently, England was not aware of how close she was to Ohio.

ED: Floyd Mayweather Jr. wins a split decision over Oscar De La Hoya in the biggest boxing event in years. Which…of course…says exactly nothing.

ED: CFL NEWZ!!! THE CFL DRAFT WENT DOWN TOO!!!! And not only do MYYYYY BELOVED TI-CATS clean up! They also sign TIMMY FRIGGIN’ CHANG!!!! God, the Ti-Cats are trying to not allow me to hate football anymore. The Calgary Stampeders sign QB Akili Smith and RB Jon Cornish. The Toronto Argonauts sign DB Keyon Nash and WR/DB Toby Atawo.