The Week That Was 5/7/07 - 5/13/07
ED: RICKEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BB: That's right. I've come back to save this website. Basically, I am the Rock.
NBA
ED:
PLAYOFFS!!!! DON’T CALL ME
DAUGHTER, NOT FIT TO…something-something-something.
BB: Ed pretending he doesn't know the
words to "Daughter" is like me pretending I don't know the words to
"Faith" because I disavow any possibility that I listened to Limp Bizkit when I was 12. SOMETHING SOMETHING
SOMETHING GOTTA HAVE FAAAAAAAAAAITH GOTTA HAVE
FAAAAAITH GRRRRRR ::punch person next to me in face:: ::admire how cool my
tribal tattoo looks:: :rape nearest girl::
NHL
ED:
PLAYOFFS!!! And now Phil can be
happy again. The Rangers are knocked out
by Buffalo.
BB: I have watched a lot of hockey over
the last week when I haven't been working on the book. Really, I've just tried
to do a lot of things that aren't football-related. Particularly
if they're CBC-related.
AFL
WEEK ELEVEN!!!
MLB
ED:
THE RICKEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wants to come back to the bigs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Even a young punk like Bill has to heartily
approve.
BB: Oh there is no getting better than
the Rickey. I have dreams of a world where Rickey hires the Korean cartoonist
to spend every day making caricatures of Rickey traveling the earth, being
Rickey and teaching random Eskimos, Chinamen, and African women how to steal
bases. I mean, what does he need to carry? A pair of cleats, two
bases, and a couple of balls? Yes - I realize I just rewrote Kung Fu with Rickey Henderson playing
David Carradine. You tell me it's not a good idea.
Even better - you tell RICKEY it's not a good idea.
ED: DL LIST!!! Indians P Jake
Westbrook (abdominal strain), Marlins P Anibal
Sanchez (shoulder), Angels P Justin Speier ("a
non-baseball related medical condition"), Reds Moneypit
Eric Milton (elbow), Blue Jays PVC!!!! BJ Ryan (officially done for the season
with Tommy John surgery), Giants SAVIOR!!!
Dave Roberts (elbow), Marlins PVC!!!
Henry Owens (rotator cuff), Blue Jays P Roy Halladay
(appendectomy), Royals C Jason LaRue (shoulder),
Mariners 4:20 Jeff Weaver (shoulder), Phillies 1B
Ryan Howard (quadriceps), Royals P Luke Hudson (biceps)
BB: I don't know what Justin Speier has, but I know the cure is going to involve some
big ol' hornrims. Hopefully on dubs. Even more hopefully, they will be
platinum. And speaking of people who go around carrying a base -- if Mientkiewicz was so anal about keeping that baseball, shouldn’t
Dave Roberts have insisted that he get second base?
ED:
PLAYA MOVEMENT!!! The Yankees
ship out P Kei Igawa.
The Mets sign P Brian Lawrence. The
Reds ship out 3B Edwin Encarnacion (yeah, sorry about
the preview, Edwin), the Astros ship out 2B/OF Chris
Burke. The A’s DFA DIVE, TODD!!! DIVE!!!
Todd Walker. The Marlins trade
PVC!!! Jorge Julio to the Rockies for
PVC!!! Byung-Hyun Kim. The Twins
DFA KNIGHT!!!! Sidney Ponson. The Indians trade P Jason Davis to the
Mariners for the ol’ PTBNL.
BB: We did a preview? Wow, I don't
remember that at all. Front page doesn't either.
ED:
CURT SCHILLING SPEAKS!!!! And says the Red Sox DON’T NEED Roger Clemens. He also states that BARRY BONDS IS A CHEAT
AND HAS ADMITTED TO USING STEROIDS AND CHEATING ON HIS WIFE!!! He also says that Doug Glanville is not a
good Warcraft player…but he wants to keep that on the
QT or else you will not get any of the extra-special Schilling paint on your
socks. St. Curt promptly backs away from
his assault on Bonds…which…what? Curt
Schilling bad mouths something then weasels away from what he said? Stunning.
BB: What I would give for Barry Bonds to
be caught in bed with Wife of Schilling.
ED:
Oh, and speaking of Red Sox players saying funny things – Red Sox DH
David Ortiz says he took performance enhancers in the past but doesn’t know if
he took steroids. Yeah, when I think of
guys using performance enhancers to get a good physique, I think of David
Ortiz.
BB: Well, if he comes up with a broken
neck anytime in the next few weeks, we can fit him in with Shane Helms.
ED:
Oh, and Chipper Jones hates interleague
play. Yeah, join the club, Chipper.
BB: Aww...Ed is
angry because there's no intercentury play so the
Reds can't play THE COURT or whatever faint memories Ed has from the 1920's.
ED:
ESPN2 will televise the MLB draft.
Phil and I discussed a need to have a pick ‘em
contest for number of times Gammons uses the phrase “filthy stuff.”
BB: Oh yeah. You may get a running diary
of this since I will be unemployed for it. This seems impossible, but I haven't
done a running diary for VP since the 2004 NHL Entry Draft -- so yeah. It's
time.
ED:
Mets fan Ellen Massey is suing the Mets, the Shea
Stadium beer concession, the union that represents the security guards at the
ballpark and a drunken 300 pound man who fell on her during the Mets home
opener and broke her back. The greatest ignominy here?
The fact that she admitted to going to a Mets game.
BB: Ed wouldn't be caught dead at Shea because they don't have SKYLINE CHILI!!! WE ARE THE
MIDWEST!!! WE HAVE LESS CULTURE THAN CANADA!!! PLEASE DON'T BOMB US AL-QAEDA!!!
ED:
SUSPENSIONS!!! Tampa Bay P Juan
Salas is suspended 50 games for loving the sweet juice. Astros minor league
C Louis Santangelo is suspended 50 games for loving
the sweet juice. Pirates P Matt Capps is
suspended 4 games for hitting Prince Fielder (really, how could he have
missed?). Yankees P Scott Proctor is
suspended 4 games and Yankees Mgr Joe Torre is
suspended 1 game for Proctor throwing at Mariners SS Yuniesky
Betancourt. Mets minor league P Jorge
Reyes is suspended 100 games for loving the sweet juice – AGAIN. Rangers minor league
P Francisco Cruceta is suspended 50 games for loving
the sweet juice.
ED:
TROUBLE LIST!!! Former Tiger,
White Sock and Expo (sadly, I didn’t even need to look that up) OF Ron LeFlore is busted for not paying child support. Diamondbacks UTL Alberto Callaspo
is arrested for allegedly assaulting his wife.
BB: Details of the Callaspo
incident came out and I am pretty sure the final tally was that he threw his
baby around, too. I'm not sure whether he was the guy breakdancing
in Times Square that was on Youtube, but I am not
inclined to say he wasn't.
SOCCER
BB: It's 3 AM Sunday morning. I am not researching a freaking soccer section. Stuff happened and I watched it on Youtube and talked about it already with anyone who would care about this section. Just remember the jokes I made then.
NFL
ED: Former Browns and Falcons WR Tom Hutchinson dead at 64.
ED: The Raiders fire senior personnel executive Michael Lombardi. Yeah…well…yeah.
BB: And the best part is that they were rumored to hire NFL Network draft
dude Mike Mayock to take his place. That is literally
one step away from hiring me.
ED: PLAYA MOVEMENT!!! The Jaguars
waive CB Ahmad Carroll and sign CB Bruce Thornton. The Redskins sign TW Zach Hilton, WR Adrian Madise and RB Derrick Blaylock. The Falcons release TE Eric Beverly. The Colts release LB Gilbert Gardner – who is
promptly gobbled up by the Titans. The
Titans sign QB Tim Rattay. The Vikings sign DT Howard Green. The Steelers sign RB Kevan
Barlow. The Texans sign RB Darius
Walker. The Falcons waive CB Jason Webster. The Eagles release DT Sam Rayburn.
BB: I'm not sure what a TW is. Maybe Zach
Hilton is a Tight Wad. Tile Washer. Till
Wader. Tropical Waste. Tungsten
Wisher. I don't know. For some reason, every time I see "Howard
Green", I think "Howard Cross" and I am kinda
angry the Vikings are getting 45 year old ex-Giants out of retirement.
ED: TROUBLE LIST!!! Steelers CB Deshea Townsend
has assault charges against him dropped.
Ravens IR Steve McNair is arrested for being the owner of a vehicle
operated by a drunk driver. Falcons QB
Marcus Vick is given a lecture by Falcons team owner Arthur Blank about his
recent run-ins with the law. Former
49ers WR Antonio Bryant pleads guilty to reckless driving charges. Pacman Jones is
busted for speeding. Bears DT Tank
Johnson is out of jail…for now.
BB: I am guessing Arthur
Blank gave that speech to Michael Vick. No wonder that talk
didn't get through.
ED: Packers QB Brett Favre reportedly is
so upset the Packers didn’t trade for Randy Moss that he has requested a
trade. Aww…
BB: Places where I would
be happy Brett Favre got traded to: A black hole, ...sorry
Rippa. Your gimmick doesn't work here.
ED: RB 4:20 Ricky Williams allegedly fails
another drug test. In other news, the
sun rose in the East this morning.
BB: AND WE PLANTED SOME
STUFF IN THE GROUND AND GIT R' DONE! WE ARE THE MIDWEST!!!
NCAA
ED:
Doug Flutie, Ahmad Rashad,
Anthony Thompson, Tom Brahaney, Dave Brown (no, not
THAT Dave Brown), Jeff Davis, Johnnie Johnson, Rex Kern, Wilson Whitley, Reggie
Williams, Richard Wood and Chris Zorich are inducted
into the College Football Hall of Fame.
BB: What do you mean not that Dave Brown?
Lame. SUPPLEMENTAL DRAFT HERO!!!
OTHER
ED: Former junior lightweight and lightweight world boxing champion Diego Corrales dead at 29.
BB: Back of trucks > Motorcycles. Actually, Motorcycles go over the back of trucks, huh? So then, motorcycles > back of trucks. My bad.