The Week That Was 5/21/07 - 5/27/07    

ED:  SMOOCHER!!!  BILL IS A PATS SMOOCHER!!!  Which, assumedly, means that Bill will become pregnant soon.

PR: Aww... does Foxwoods do quickie marriages?

NBA

ED:  PLAYOFFS!!!!  Still…going…whatever.  Someone wanna euthanize this league, already? 

ED:  Portland wins the draft lottery.  So obviously, since the Blazers want Greg Oden, Kevin Durant actually WILL become the new Michael Jordan.

PR: The only way the lottery would have been better would have been if the Knicks had gotten #1. I am assuming handing that pick to the Bulls would have gotten Isaiah+ another 3 year deal.

ED:  COACHING NEWZ!!!!  The Rockets hire Rick Adleman as their new head coach.  The Magic fire head coach Brian Hill.  Charlotte hires Sam Vincent as their new head coach.

NHL

ED:  Supposedly the NHL playoffs are still going on…on some sort of UHF station somewhere out there.

ED:  Brian Leetch retires.  Phil will need a moment to shake his fist angrily at his misspent youth.

PR: Oh yeah - this was the official end of my childhood. Leetch was the last of my idols still holding on. I silently weep over my Geritol.

ED:  Rick Tocchet pleads guilty to running a gambling ring. 

PR: I still can't figure this out. Someone from associated with Philadelphia committed a crime? Really???

AFL

PR: Aww... I will actually talk about the games this week instead of Ed just leaving the place holder here.

WEEK THIRTEEN!!!

PR: Utah 65 - Orlando 62. I so heart that the key play was an extra point getting blocked and being returned for 2 points. God Bless you CFL in a mixing bowl.

PR: San Jose 48 - Nashville 34. Man, the SaberCats are so the blandest good team around. Of course, if Nashville understood how to actually hold on to the football, they wouldn't have lost.

PR: Kansas City 62 - Los Angeles 56. Okay, until I saw that he caught a TD, I had zero idea that Boo Williams was playing in the AFL. That TD will probably get him a workout with the Raiders.

PR: Georgia 52 - Tampa Bay 38. Chris Greisen sets the record for most TD passes in a season. Which is like the 59^th straight season that record has been broken.

PR: Grand Rapids 58 - Colorado 56. See... the Giants could have signed Brian Gowins - a kicker who actually makes clutch kicks - for a hot meal. Instead they feel the need to give out draft picks like candy.

PR: Dallas 56 - Columbus 47. Poor poor not good Ohio football teams.

PR: Chicago 53 - Arizona 47. Aww... Sherdrick Bonner wonders why God hates him.

PR: Philadelphia 76 - Austin 66. God dammit Wranglers. Why the hell can't you beat freaking Bon Jovi. You can't even blame it on Adrian McPhereson anymore.

MLB

ED:  DL LIST!!! D-Rays C Josh Paul (elbow), Twins P Glen Perkins (shoulder), Red OF Josh Hamilton (gastroenteritis), A's P Justin Duchscherer (hip), Angels UTL Maicer Izturis (hamstring), Mariners P Chris Reitsma (elbow), A's OF Milton Bradley (hamstring), Twins P Dennys Reyes (shoulder), Rockies P Josh Fogg (gettin’ his groin right), White Sox UTL Pablo Ozuna (broken leg), Padres OF Brian Giles (knee), Royals P Joakim Soria (shoulder), Tigers P Fernando Rodney (biceps tendinitis), Braves P Mike Gonzalez (done for the season to get Tommy John surgery)

PR: Are you sure there aren't some Yankees who should be on the liast?

ED:  PLAYA MOVEMENT!!!  The Braves release ALL STAR!!! Mark Redman.

PR: Are you sure the Yankees haven't signed him yet? Poor poor Brian Cashman.

ED:  Yankees DH Jason Giambi may have failed a drug test.  I know.  Shock of all shocks.  Of course, the drug test he may have possibly allegedly maybe could have failed was…an amphetamines test.  Yeah.  OK. 

PR: Well I doubt Giambi could pass a fertility test nowadays either.

ED:  God's mop up P Josh Hancock's father sues a St. Luis restaurant that served drinks to the former Cardinal P before his death. 

PR: Are you saying Josh Hancock made it to heaven just because he played in St. Louis?

ED: Of course. He was already there, right?

ED: D-Rays OF Elijah Dukes allegedly threatens the life of his estranged wife and child. Somehow Pacman Jones had to be involved in this too.

SOCCER

PR: AC Milan actually manages to beat Liverpool this year for their 7^th UEFA Champions League. Most likely this is Peter Crouch's fault.

PR: David Beckham was recalled to England. MLS IS DOOMED!!!! ALEXI LALAS TOLD ME SO!!!

NFL

ED: Patriots DE Marquise Hill dead at 24. God needed a back up DE.

ED:  PLAYA MOVEMENT!!! The Pats re-sign DAMN STRAIGHT HETEROSEXUAL!!!! Junior Seau.  The Bengals release alleged wife-beater A.J. Nicholson.  The Bills sign CB Jason Webster.  The Jets sign CB Eric Hicks.  The Giants pick up Kanadian Kicker Lawrence Tynes from the Chiefs for a conditional draft pick.  The Raiders sign WR Travis Taylor.  The Steelers release P Chris Gardocki.

PR: See the AFL for my Giants bitterness. Travis Taylor as a Raider seems about right. 

ED:  TROUBLE LIST!!!  Former Bengals LB A.J. Nicholson pleads not guilty to wife beating charges - after she insists that she actually hit herself with a cell phone instead of Nicholson hitting her.  Yeah.  Broncos WR  David Kircus is arrested for assault.  Bengals WR Chris Henry fails a drug test…whoops, no he didn't…maybe. A Texas woman pleads guilty to charges she tried to extort Packers Hall of Famer Bart Starr of $2 million. Broncos WR Brandon Marshall has his domestic violence charges dropped.

ED:  Panthers WR Keyshawn Johnson retires.  (Whew!)  He then takes a gig with ESPN.  Where, if Keyshawn wants the world to ever quit hating him, he will eventually kill everyone on the ESPN NFL crew.

ED:  The Raiders hire Rich Snead as their new personnel executive.  Meh.  Like it matters. 

ED:  Bengals head coach Marvin Lewis states that THE BENGALS ARE BEING HARASSED BY THE MAN!!! Oops.  Then Marvin backs away from that remark after Cincy's police chief is all like - oh, you want harassed, eh?  YEAH!!! F THA POLICE, MARV!!!  F THA POLICE!!! 

PR: Marvin clearly hasn't told all his players that they just need to say that they are from OSU. 

ED:  Super Bowl XLV (that's in 2011 for those who don't read Latin) is awarded to Dallas' new stadium.  Aww, the pre-game festivities of bringing out the Cowboy greats in coffins and prison uniforms will be so cute. 

PR: I enjoy how that knowing Latin would allow me to convert 45 into the year 2011. 

ED:  The NFL head office is looking into a whistle-blowing policy to protect players and doctors who are pressured to clear players with concussions to play before they are ready.  God I just re-read that sentence and realized I may have written that while having a concussion or something. 

ED:  Redskins RB Clinton Portis and T Chris Samuels make some amazing remarks about their love of dog fighting…and then back away slowly when everyone looks at them like they're retarded. 

PR: I think we have our next Eastern Motors commerical.

NCAA 

ED:  Penn State football coach Joe Paterno is going to make the entire team clean up the stadium after home games as a punishment for the team's assorted run-ins with the law.  BAH!  If Paterno REALLY wanted to punish the team, he'd make them clean out Ohio State's stadium. 

PR: If he really wanted to punish them, he would make them, ya know, get an education.

OTHER   
ED:  CFL NEWZ!!!  Edmonton signs WR's Patrick Johnson and Kendrick Starling and re-signs OL Kevin Lefsrud.  Former Roughrider RB Keith Kenton is ordered to stand trial on aggravated assault charges.  The Argos sign WR Brad Smith and RB Randy McAuley.  Als DT Ed Philion retires.  BC signs RB Tre Smith. 

PR: The Alouettes and Roughriders made some sort of trade that made my head hurt. Stupid non-imports and whatnot. 

ED:  Former flyweight champion boxer Michael Carbajal is busted for threatening a police officer.  Mike Tyson chuckles. 

ED: Mr. Ashley Judd, Dario Franchitti, wins the Indy 500. Of course, Danica Patrick would have won if Mother Nature didn’t hate women.

ED: I was gonna mention the result of the Coca-Cola 600. Then I realized I didn’t care.