The Week That Was 6/4/07 - 6/10/07    

ED: CLEVELAND!!!! CAVZ!!!!!!!!!!! O-H, I-O!!!!

BB: This is spreading the Bill Barnwell brand way too thin.

PR: Aww... Fox Sports does not approve.

NBA

ED:  NBA FINALZ!!!! Are underway, as San Antonio prepares to face the WRATH AND HELLFIRE OF OHIO!!!!! CLEVELAND!!!! YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  ROUND ON BOTH ENDS, HI IN THE MIDDLE!!!!

BB: Aww...that sounds like porn I've been watching.

PR: Oooff.... I don’t even want to think about the google search hits we might get off of that.

NHL

ED: THA STANLEY CUP FINALZ!!! Are over. And the Anaheim Mighty Ducks are YOUR NHL CHAMPS!!! Sadly, I was thinking of a Charlie Sheen joke to make before I realized I had confused him with Emilio Estevez.

iamed: honestly, when I heard Anaheim won, I actually did do that

Phil: hehehehe

Phil: I will follow that up with some sort of Dawson's Creek joke

iamed: aww, see that lost me completely

iameda: I have no idea what Dawson's Creek is

Phil: its was that WB show that starred Joshua Jackson who was the lead kid in the Mighty Ducks movies

iamed: the fat one?

iamed: there was a fat one right?

iamed: there's always a fat one

Phil: there was a fat kid but it wasn’t him. Joshua Jackson's mom gets NAUGHTY WORD DELETED! by Estevez in the first movie

iamed: oh, yeah

iamed: I just realized that I only saw the first one but I was incredibly drunk when I saw it so...yeah

iamed: no real recollection if it

Phil: hehehehe

iamed: which is probably why I ended up confusing Charlie and Emilio

iamed: and really, is there any difference between them?

Phil: poor poor Martin Sheen

Phil: okay - bathroom. BRB

iamed: yeah, sadly, that can fill up the whole hockey section without me having to refer to it as the Hickey section

BB: We all should have known Phil following up was the real joke. OH HO HO HO.

PR: Aww... I am not over as a writer.

AFL

WEEK FIFTEEN!!!

BB: IT HAPPENED!!!!

PR: Alright – since I don’t hate myself already

PR: Kansas City beats Columbus. No not the explorer.

PR: The Dragons lose. Stupid NY Football

PR: Bon Jovi loses again. We all win.

PR: Chicago beat Grand Rapids in what I am sure was some sort of Midwest rivalry dealie.

PR: Dallas 80, New Orleans 79. Yeah – this is the game we probably all wanted to see.

PR: Georgia beats Austin. AFL NET EXCLUSIVE!!!

PR: San Jose, LA and Vegas won the other games. Yup.

MLB

ED: Former Yankees, A’s and Braves 3B Clete Boyer dead at 70.

ED:  DL LIST!!! Yankees GLOVE!!! Doug Misspelling (wrist), Blue Jays 1B Lyle Overbay (hand), Cubs 1B/PH Daryle Ward (hip), Nats P Ryan Wagner (shoulder – done for the season), White Sox 3B Joe Crede (back), Tigers P Nate Robertson (tired arm), Tigers P Zach Miner (elbow), Mets OF Endy Chavez (hamstring), Orioles C Ramon Hernandez (getting’ his groin right), A’s OF Milton Bradley (calf), Phillies P Freddy Garcia (shoulder), Rangers 1B Mark Teixeira (quad)

BB: I'm not sure if getting' is proper English but I'll allow it.

ED:  PLAYA MOVEMENT!!!  The Cards pick up BIG POPPA PUMP!!! Kelly Stinnett from the Dodgers for cash. The Tigers release GASOLINE!!! Jose Mesa…who then signs with the Phillies. The Astros ship out OF Jason Lane and call up OF/2B Chris Burke. The Reds call up PHENOM!!!! Homer Bailey. The Royals ship out ROOKIE OF THE YEAR!!! Angel Berroa. The A’s release P Jay Witasick. The Rockies DFA VETERAN PRESENCE!!! Steve Finley. The Cardinals sign PVC!!! Troy Percival. The A’s trade C Adam Melhuse to the Rangers for cash. The Tigers DFA P Aquilino Lopez.

BB: Jose Mesa is a perfect fit for the Phillies again. Let's burn our new stadium down.

PR: Ed told me a fun story about how his mom thought Homer Bailey was Homer Bush. For at least this week, this trumps any stories I could tell about my mom.

ED: The MLB draft went down. I hope Bill at least was able to watch it to let us know how much Peter Gammons drooled. And of course, the list of sons of former players taken in the draft just makes Phil and I hate life all the more.

BB: Aww...I DVRed it and subsequently deleted it to make space for American Gladiators.

PR: The website I run in my mind is really the greatest website ever and one of the things it contains is recaps of all these American Gladiators episodes.

ED: SUSPENSIONS!!!! Cubs Manager Lou Piniella is suspended 4 games for bumping an umpire…while that crazy Braves minor league manager who threw the best tantrum of the season only got 3 games. Astros 1B Lance Berkman gets two games for throwing only a mild trantrum. White Sox C AJ Pierashjfhdsjklfhdjkhfjksdhfjklsdfhki is suspended one game for a weak-ass tantrum.

BB: AJ Pierzynski is the girlfriend you keep trying to dump but you're afraid she's going to kill herself when you do, so you just stick around and try and get her to cheat on you so there's a good way out.

ED: Tigers DH Gary Sheffield hates Latinos…or some sort of strangeness that I’m not certain I understand. Honestly, at this point, if Sheffield starts to deny dinosaurs existed he will become the greatest entertainer in all the land.

BB: I think, actually:

- Gary Sheffield hates white people

- Gary Sheffield hates black people

- Gary Sheffield hates Latinos

- Gary Sheffield hates

- Gary Sheffield's son likes the PS3 my old co-worker bought him

Thank god I'm not in that job again.

PR: But you won’t get Patriots Day off anymore.

ED: MILESTONEZ!!! D-Rays OF Carl Crawford becomes Tampa Bay’s all time hit leader!!! Wow! That’s…that’s…well, that’s like being the smartest person in Ohio, really. Padres PVC!!! Trevor Hoffman records save number 500. Yankees Manager Joe Torre becomes the first man to record 2000 wins as a manager and 2000 hits as a player.

BB: Does that mean you were the Devil Rays all-time hit leader?

ED: Yankees MONEYPIT!!! Jason Giambi is asked nicely by MLB Commissioner Bud Selig to talk to Senator Mitchell’s w/r/t his steroid probe. Naturally, the players union tells Giambi to nicely tell Selig to get bent.

BB: Aww...Bud has a comeback. NEXT WEEK!!!

SOCCER

BB: Soccer is absolutely dead. Real Madrid tried to sign David Beckham back and Alexi Lalas wasn't having it. Denmark's supporter gets yelled at.

PR: THE GOLD CUP STARTED!!! YOU HATE AMERICAN SOCCER!!!! COMMUNIST!!!!

NFL

ED:  PLAYA MOVEMENT!!! The Broncos sign DT Sam Adams. The Arizona Cardinals release RB Obafemi Ayanbadejo, G Milford Brown and DT Kendrick Clancy. The Dolphins FINALLY complete that trade for QB Trent Green, giving the Chiefs a conditional 5^th round 2008 pick in return. Chiefs S Jerome Woods retires. The Washington Redskins sign CB Jerametrius Butler. The Patriots sign WR C.J. Jones. The Cowboys release G Marco Rivera. The Saints sign DT Kendrick Clancy. The Giants sign G Zach Piller. The Pats sign DT's Rashad Moore and Kenny Smith and release long snapper Tony Case. The Titans sign CB Kelly Herndon.

BB: Tony Case, by the way, was the Patriots backup long snapper. That's just a very thin precipice to hold your hopes on. I am amazed Ed did the research and looked up how to spell Jerametrius. Of course, I don't know whether that's right. I'm not looking it up.

PR: Well you claimed that you spelled Philippi correctly too and look what that got you.

ED: Jets RB Curtis Martin is thinking about making a comeback. Apparently, medical science has advanced enough to remove forks out of backs.

PR: I assume it is an elaborate Chad Pennington ruse to make himself not the most fragile member of the team.

ED: Fomer Bills and Browns G Joe DeLamielleure goes on the record to state the NFL’s pensions for retired players “stink” which causes NFL Players Union president Gene Upshaw state that he’d like to “break his ... damn neck."

BB: Is he going to get Danny Hodge to do it or something? Because I'm pretty sure Gene Upshaw is real old and I could take him at this point.

PR: You keep telling yourself that.

ED: Former Cowboys QB Troy Aikman says he suffers no problems from all of the concussions he’s had. Yeah, this is a man who makes a living in a booth with Joe Buck. Yeah, no problems at all, Troy.

BB: Mmm...being distracted by low-flying clouds

ED: TROUBLE LIST!!! Bears DT Tank Johnson is suspended 8 games for his various off the field problems. Former Colts QB Jack Trudeau is busted for obstructing justice and misdemeanor charges of contributing to the delinquency of a minor and furnishing alcohol to a minor. Bengals LB Odell Thurman is accused of assault...and then has said charges dropped against him. Former Raiders, Cardinals, Browns and Seahawks DL Bob Buczkowski pleads guilty to running a prostitution ring.

BB: Oakland-Arizona-Cleveland-Seattle seems like a rough loop. He should've stuck with California. Cleveland girls...aww. Just...aww...

NCAA 

ED: Fomer Arizona State football player Loren Wade is convicted of the murder of fellow-former Arizona State football player Brandon Falkner.

ED: Florida basketball coach Billy Donovan comes back to Florida after he realizes he wouldn’t get to play Ohio State in the NBA.

OTHER   
ED: CFL NEWZ!!!! The Winnipeg Blue Bombers pick up KR Dominique Dorsey and DE Dwan Epps from the Saskatchewan Roughriders for T Eric Wilson. Toronto Argonauts sign Anthony Dorsett and cut QB Tom Arth. The Edmonton Eskimos release DB Ricky Bell.

BB: Aww...there but for the grace of intestines you go, Tom Brady.

PR: When scrolling down – I saw the name Epps first and thought “Hmm... I could see Omar Epps getting a tryout in the CFL. I mean he sucked in The Program but I am a horrible talent evaluator.”

ED: Rags To Riches wins the Belmont Stakes becoming the first filly to win the Belmont in over 100 years. Danica Patrick screams sexism.

BB: I read this as screams "orgasm" for some reason. It was better.

PR: Did Rags To Riches have to expose her nipples?

ED: Rafael Nadal wins the men’s French Open championship; Justine Henin wins the women’s title.