The Week That Was 6/11/07 - 6/17/07    

ED:  Hmm, the garlic press, the steak knives or the MicroTouch?  What do I pick?  Life ain’t easy for an EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH!!!

NBA

ED:  NBA FINALZ!!!!  Are over.  The San Antonio Spurs are your new NBA CHAMPZ!!! After sweeping the Cleveland Cadavers.  Wait!  What?  An Ohio team killed in a championship?  When the hell did San Antonio get moved to Florida?

AFL

ED:  Utah Blaze WR/LB Justin Skaggs dead at 28.

WEEK SIXTEEN!!!

MLB

ED:  Bullpen coach for the ‘86 Mets, Vern Hoscheit dead at 85.  Former Boston Globe baseball reporter Larry Whiteside dead at 69.

ED:  DL LIST!!! Mariners P Chris Reitsma (elbow), Cubs 3B Aramis Ramirez (knee), Reds MONEYPIT!!! Eric Milton (done for the season to get Tommy John surgery), Cardinals OF Preston Wilson (done for the season with knee surgery), Marlins P Henry Owens (shoulder), O’s P Adam Loewen (done for the season with elbow surgery), D-Rays 2B BJ Upton (quadriceps), Brewers P Chris Capuano (gettin’ his groin right), Rangers P Brandon McCarthy (blister), Royals 2B Mark Gruzdsfhdjhfjhsdjhfjklsdfek (knee), Tigers C Vance Wilson (done for the season with Tommy John surgery), Royals P Brandon Duckworth (rib muscle), Astros SS Adam Everett (broken leg), D-Backs P Randy Johnson (back), Orioles PVC!!! Danys Baez (forearm), Cardinals SCRAP!!! David Eckstein (back), Reds LOOGY!!! Mike Stanton (old), Red Sox P Brendan Donnelly (forearm), Phillies P Francisco Rosario (shoulder), Angles OD Garret Anderson (hip)

ED:  PLAYA MOVEMENT!!!  The D-Rays release JAPANESE PVC!!! Shinji Mori and sign P Jay Witasick.  The Astros sign P? Chan Ho Park.  The Pirates sign PVC!!! Danny Kolb.  The Reds pick up P Ben Jukich from the A’s to complete the Chris Denorfia trade.  The Blue Jays DFA C Sal Fasano.  The A’s claim P Ruddy Lugo off of waivers from the D-Rays.  The Orioles release P Todd Williams.

ED:  After politely asking Yankees MONEYPIT!!! Jason Giambi to cooperate with Sen. Mitchell’s steroid probe, MLB Commissioner Bud Selig threatens to suspend Giambi if he does not cooperate with the probe.  See, this is so totally how not to become EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH!!!!

ED:  Tigers P Justin Verlander throws a no-hitter against the Brewers.  Yep.  Now’s the time to make a wish on the soon-to-be-falling star.  Poor little shredable ligaments.

ED:  The A’s give GM Billy Beane a seven-year contract extension.  Mmm, HOTNESS!!!!

ED:  The Dodgers fire hitting coach Eddie Murray and replace him with Bill Mueller.  I assume Muller’s first act as Dodgers hitting coach will be to show Nomar his World Series ring…then talk about how he helped Bill not to get playoff sex.

ED:  White Sox SS Juan Uribe settles the dispute he had with a Dominican Republican farmer who claimed Uribe shot him.  Uribe supposedly forked over a cool $25,500 to the farmer in the settlement.  Oh great, only $25K?  There goes my dream of getting shot by a rich baseball player.  Now I just live in fear of getting shot by a bankrupt Bengal.

ED:  Astros PVC? Dan Wheeler and Astros P Chris Sampson get into a shoving match in the Astros dugout after Wheeler blows another save.  Yeah, I know the feeling, Sampson.  Punch him for me too.  Stupid saves.  Stupid fantasy baseball.

ED:  Harold Reynolds is hired to be a broadcaster for MLB.com.  Ooo, god I hope there’s gonna be some inappropriate hugging going on there too.

ED:  Reds announcer Marty Brennaman apologizes for comparing the Reds upcoming road trip to the Bataan Death March.  See, that’s so totally unfair.  It’s not like the Reds are apologizing to their fan(s?) for the pain and suffering they cause, why should Brennaman apologize for comparing the Reds to a disaster?

ED:  CLIPPER!!!! Brandon Watson breaks the International League hit streak record by hitting in his 43rd consecutive game.  Yeah, no need for him in Washinton.

ED:  Phillies minor league pitcher Matt Childers is suspended 50 games for loving the sweet juice.

 

SOCCER

NFL

ED:  DOLPHINS DRAMA!!!!  Dolphins QB Daunte Culpepper wants out of Miami.  The Dolphins attempt to oblige by trying to trade him.  Daunte rolls his arms in the counter-clockwise and says – “UH-UH!!!  DAUNTE WANTS RELEASED!!!”  (Well, OK.  I don’t know if her refers to himself in the 3rd person.  I mean, when trying to figure out if one talks in the 3rd person, you kinda have to figure out the extremes.  RICKEY!!! can do that.  And that’s one of a billion reasons why we love him.  Then again, Doug Mirabelli does this…and…well…yeah.  So you figure, Daunte may be the exact middle ground between RICKEY!!! and Doug Mirabelli so…maybe he only occasionally does this when on sex boats?  Who can be sure?  One thing for certain, arms were rolled.)  Then Daunte tries to practice with the Dolphins and is promptly escorted out of the facility by security – ala Steve McNair.  The NFLPA then says – HEY!!!  Why y’all frontin’ on Daunte?  FEEEEEEEEEL THA ARMROLLS, YO!!!!  Someone may have had their neck threatened too.  Not entirely certain about that.  Culpepper then gets in a car wreck and hurts his hand.  And the point of all this is…uhh…yeah, there really is no point here.  Never mind.  Roll your arms.

ED:  Jets LB Jonathan Vilma compares dog fighting to horse racing…then backs away from those remarks when everyone looks at him like he’s retarded.

ED:  The Raiders cut short their OTA’s when the players union complains that the workouts were too intense.  Aww…and yeah, I assume that will be as good as the Raiders season gets.

ED:  PLAYA MOVEMENT!!! The 49ers sign DT Sam Rayburn.  The Raiders sign S Colin Branch.  The Bears sign RB Obafemi Ayanbadejo.  Giants LB Jessie Armstead retires.  The Jags release S Donovin Darius.  The Saints release KR Michael Lewis and DE Willie Whitehead.

 

ED:  TROUBLE LIST!!! Lions DT Shaun Rogers is being investigated on criminal sexual misconduct charges.  Former Colts QB Jack Trudeau pleads innocent to charges that he provided hooch to minors.  Titans CB Pacman Jones withdraws the appeal of his suspension.  Bengals WR’s Reggie McNeal and…yep…you guessed it, Chris Henry are accused of beating up a 16 year old boy.  Former Raider, Oiler and Packer DE Sean Jones is indicted on fraud charges…but he saves me from having to do a FPotM on him anytime soon!  Packers LB Nick Barnett is arrested on assault charges.

NCAA 

ED:  The University of Oklahoma football program is in some sort of trouble for providing their players with drinks containing nutritional supplements during games.  So let me see, nutritional supplements = bad.  Cars = OK.  Gotcha.

ED: TROUBLE LIST!!!  Florida football player Brandon James and basketball player Brandon Powell are arrested for buying pot and are both suspended.  Montana football player Jimmy Wilson is arrested for murder.


OTHER   

ED:  CFL NEWZ!!!  The Argos pick up WR Patrick Johnson from Edmonton for a 2008 second-round draft pick.  The Argos release RB Randy McAuley and OL Jeff Yorga.

ED:  Dale Earnhardt Jr. announces he has switched to Hendrick Motorsports…who will assumedly remind him to only make left turns.

ED:  Since I don’t wanna bother with a hockey section – Pens C Sidney Crosby is named NHL MVP – the youngest MVP in the league since Wayne Gretzky.

ED:  Angel Cabrera wins the US Open.  Phil, if he touches this, will insert some joke about the golf guy he hates.