Veteran Presence Goes To Hell
The First
Annual VP.com Dead Pool
(written
by Bill with comments on picks by Bill, Ed, and Phil)
First, for
those of you who don’t know, allow me to make very clear
what’s going on here. A “dead pool” is, according to Wikipedia, “…a game of prediction which involves
guessing when someone will die. A typical modern dead pool might have
players pick out celebrities who they think will die within the year.” This dead
pool is just that – an attempt by me, Ed, and Phil to pick athletes within the
world of sports that will perish within the next calendar year. Now, we don’t
necessarily WANT the people we pick to pass away; that being said, there are
some selections in which one of us was overcome by hope and desire, as we all
are from time to time. There was only one rule for eligibility:
The athlete selected by each person
MUST have been an active participant in their sport at some point during the
selector’s lifetime.
Since I am
ten years younger than Ed and Phil, this puts me at a disadvantage.
Fortunately, I make up for this disadvantage by having no children and a
functional memory. Yay youth.
I now
present a slightly edited version of the conversation me, Ed, and Phil had as
we took our trip to hell: the first annual Veteran Presence Dead Pool.
1.
ED: TOM BRADY
[Truly, there is no one in the world I hate more
than Tom Brady. There’s not even a close
second. And even though I know this will
just make him stronger, I still have to pick him just out of hope. I fully envision his death involving horrific
amounts of bloodloss when someone bumps into Peter
King as he's kneeling in front of his dream boy. Assumedly, it will be the
coffee delivery boy who bumps into him.]
Bill: I find it hard to
believe someone wouldn’t be able to get out of Peter King’s way.
2.
PHIL: RAE CARRUTH
[The first name that actually had pop in my mind
was
Bill: My selection is another football player. A
very intense competitor. Recently retired…
Ed: ROMO!!!
3.
BILL: BILL ROMANOWSKI
[I think when Bill Romanowski
dies, his chest cavity will explode and spew out
undigested pills. Really it will be like the numerous Skittles commercials,
except it will rain designer steroids instead of untasty
candy.]
Phil:
God - I hope I never met Andrea Kramer. Especially if she ever finds out that I
was the one who started the horrible “Romo having his
way with her” jokes.
Ed: God, do I not want to see pics of that
murder scene.
Phil: The problem is that all the people who have illnesses that I think of
are already dead. Marge Schott, Bobby Bonds…
Bill: Johnny
Oates…
Phil: Exactly
- I have moved onto guys who have gained a million pounds and are poor. Sadly,
that has provided a bundle of names.
4. ED: BUSTER
[Well, Phil set that on a tee for me. C’mon, he’s three billion pounds.]
5. PHIL: VLADIMIR KONSTANTINOV
[I was trying to think of guys who were in wheelchairs and
he fits the bill in a big way. Poor, poor limo.]
6. BILL:
[He recently called modern football players a naughty word I
can’t put on VP, he LOVES drugs, and he just got his own video game released –
which means he has money to finance that drug habit. Yes – I identified NFL
pill-popping linebackers as an extremely dangerous subset of the athlete
market, much like the Braves and
7. ED: JAYSON WILLIAMS
[Nothing to add here. Stupid weird spelling people.]
Just to
note, Ed actually typed in this pick as “Jason Williams”, who you may know
better as the crazy, pasty Grizzlies point. (He is also crazy pasty but I would
just say he was wicked pasty if I was going to use a modifying adjective). Ed’s response to that? “Well, whatever. I can see Iverson
taking him out for gimmick infringement.”
8. PHIL: LEON SPINKS
[Yeah – Buster
Bill: My next
pick is going to enrage Phil.
Phil: I want to know your
justification for hating on Nick Johnson…
Bill: No. He
might be the youngest player taken in the entire draft, though.
Bill: Pasty,
obese football player.
Phil: Poor
J-Load…
9. BILL: JARED LORENZEN
[Like he is making it through two consecutive Tom Coughlin
training camps. Sample size. When you add in the fact
that he disappeared for the entire season last year without anyone telling
anyone or being found, I am very excited about this pick. As for my focusing on
linebackers; well, J-Load is linebacker-sized.]
Phil: Are you thinking heart attack, or
are you thinking Coughlin beats him to death?
Ed: I am
thinking suicide when he realizes he’s the only Giant QB without a hot
significant other.
Ed: My next
pick is one of my favorite players ever and a guy who will never make into the
Hall of Fame.
Phil: Goose Gossage?
Ed: GAH! No,
he was in poor health just a year ago, which made Darryl Stingley
happy…
10. ED: JACK TATUM
[Sigh]
Phil: Of course, this next pick came up
in my list of guys who gained a million pounds.
Ed: Jason Giambi?
Phil: Sadly,
this was funnier when he looked like he had a full ham stuck in his gullet.
Ed: …Jason Giambi?
Bill: Jeremy Giambi?
Phil: This is
a sport Ed doesn’t watch.
Bill: Aww…poor Diego…
11. PHIL: DIEGO MARADONA
[This was a lot funnier when he had the entire turkey leg he
got from the Buenos Aires Renaissance Festival stuck in his gullet. Still, I am
banking that Soccernet has one last “Maradona near death” story in it.]
Bill: OK – my next pick is a VP
favorite who has made it to four or five WTWs and a
couple of baseball previews. He’s very fast, but he’s not allowed to go very
far.
Phil: Dave
Roberts?
Bill: VERY
close.
Ed: RICKEY~!?
Phil: Juan
Pierre?
Ed: OTIS!!!
12. BILL: OTIS NIXON
[With all the Braves injuries, there is a slim chance that they
might call Nixon out of retirement to man an outfield corner. This would only
make my pick even better.]
Ed: Well, it has to be his year sometime...
Phil: Janikowski?
Ed: Aww…poor Seabass. He’s had the disease for 15 years now…
13. ED: MAGIC JOHNSON
[Yeah-yeah. Boo
yourselves. Like you
wouldn’t have picked him.]
Phil: This one will really piss off Ed
on several levels.
Bill: Randy Moss?
Ed: Larry Bowa?
Phil: He has the added benefit of having
run afoul of the law and already being shot. God bless
Ed: Aww…
14. PHIL: BARRETT ROBBINS
[… Hello??? I am just lucky he didn’t die before I picked him. Poor poor Ed.]
Ed: I hate myself for picking the
wrong Raider.
Bill: OK – I got it. My pick is an
insane midget prick.
Ed: Bret Boone?
Bill: Go further North.
Awful hair.
Ed: Bret Boone?
Ed: Doug Flutie?
Bill: That is, pending his appeal to
join the senior’s league…
15. BILL: THEO FLEURY
[Failed rehabilitation stints. Multiple
articles denying addiction. Didn’t sober up for a multi-million dollar
contract; what makes you think he’s going to for nothing?]
Ed: Ooh, my pick? Since I could
probably call Denny McClain, I will take the poor man’s Denny McClain.
Ed: Fat pitcher, did jail time, had
one great season…
Bill: David Wells?
Ed: And a whole lot of drugs...
16. ED: LAMAR HOYT
[Fat. In and out of
jail. Lots of
drugs. Nice pick.]
Phil: You can draft McClain if you want
to.
Ed: Well, there’s my next pick then.
Phil: My next pick is also crazy. No
longer a member of the Minnesota Vikings – if he was, I would’ve chosen him in
the first round.
Ed: Poor Onterrio.
Phil: Recently employed but not by the
NFL…
17. PHIL: DIMITRIOUS UNDERWOOD
[No, I did not intend on going on a bipolar
disorder run.]
Bill: OK – this pick might not fly but I
am crossing my fingers…
18. BILL: MINNIE MINOSO
[Oh, you forgot – Minoso played in
every decade – including a minor league game in the nineties. I am bending the
rules and loving it.]
Phil: Baseball-reference lists his last
game as being in 1980 – and his page is complete with the out-of-date “Baseball
needs DC NOW!” sponsorship. But he did play that one game in the 90s – so I
will let that go.
Ed: OK – since I took the fake Denny
McLain…
19: ED: DENNY MCLAIN
[Ayup]
Phil: My next pick is both fat and in
jail. I benefit doubly.
Ed: Nate
Newton!
20. PHIL: NATE NEWTON
[I was about to write, “The fact that he played for the
Cowboys also somewhat helps my hopes that he kicks it.”]
Bill: My next pick is in the vein of
Minnie Minoso. I hope the NHL lockout makes him kick
it too…
21. BILL: GORDIE HOWE
[Sure, he will live till he is 100. But he is already like
98. I am really hoping he jumps off a bridge to protest the hockey lockout or
something.]
Ed: Aww, the
youth of
Bill: But I don’t even like hardcore
music.
Ed: OK – because he wants to outdo
Reggie White at everything…
Bill: Peter King??
Phil: Kevin Greene???
Ed: No – he will be too traumatized
after killing Brady.
22. ED: BRUCE SMITH
[Oh like he hasn’t thought of it. He probably already has the coins
pressed and everything.]
Phil: When he gets put in the coffin,
does that count as a full sack?
Phil: OK – I wanted to get away from the
football players for a while, but I couldn’t think of anyone good – until Ed’s
pee break inspired me.
Bill: HEY! Gary Miller never played
sports!
Phil: So I started to think of people I
make fun of in the WTW and who have already considerably shortened their life
span and realized there was only one person I could take…
23. PHIL: ALONZO MOURNING
[I just figured I would feel less guilty about Zo dying than Sean Elliott.]
Bill: OK. I am going out on a limb here.
This guy is rambunctious, heroic, handsome, rustic, pasty…
Ed: KEVIN MILLAR!!!
Bill: God no.
24. BILL: BRETT FAVRE
[This is like when you pick somebody from your favorite team
on your fantasy team in the hopes that they’ll do well and make both the teams better.
It never works out. Ever.]
Ed: I need to pick another NBA guy.
25. ED: DAVID THOMPSON
[Phil tells me he should rent The David Thompson Story for
me. I reply with, “You mean, ‘Scarface’?”]
Phil: SKY
Phil: OK – like Bill’s pick, my guy is a
football player. Heroic, pasty, handsome I guess..
Bill: Ken O’Brien?
Phil: Has a hole in his heart…
26. PHIL: TEDY BRUSCHI
[Does this selection mean I let the terrorists
win?]
Bill: Wait – Tedy Bruschi is Latino, Phil. He is as pasty as I am not pasty.
27. BILL: JOSE CANSECO
[Too handsome to sleep with Madonna.]
28. ED: KIRBY PUCKETT
[Fat? Check. Physcial malaise? Check. Recently humiliated? Check.]
29: PHIL: GREG LOUGANIS
[I am not a creative man. Ed's Magic Johnson pick was too
good to not piggyback upon. But I had to think outside of the realm of team
sports. So Olympics here we come. Greg Louganis works pretty nifty. Worst case
scenario: one of the countless homophobes in
Ed: Awww…that
is so
30. BILL: TODD MARINOVICH
[Oh yeah. Totally selected just to piss Ed off, in
particular because it would piss off Ed the most that he didn’t draft him
himself.]
31. ED: DAVE DRAVECKY
[Dave Dravecky v. the
Drummer from Def Leppard::
the
Who They Were When they Had Two Arms:
Dravecky: a league average at best pitcher for the Giants
and Padres best known for loving him some God; topped out at making $750K a
year
DfDL: a drummer for one of
the biggest young rock bands of the early-80s. Sex and drugs and rock and roll
and lots and lots of record company cash
Advantage:
Beezelbub
How they lost their Arms
Dravecky: Cancer
and then the arm snapping like a twig while throwing a baseball, incident caught
on tape so all the vampires can turn up the sound to hear the snap
DfDL: Drunken car
crash. Viva la rock!
Advantage: Mephisto
Who They Became After They Lost A Wing:
Dravecky: Motivational Christian speaker, hanging out
with the Pat Robertson and drinking lots of milk – right handed
DfDL: Learned to drum with
one arm and his feet. Got
back with Def Leppard. Def Leppard then
proceeded to suck, but everyone made mad cash, bringing in lots more sex, drugs
and rock & roll
Advantage: Lucifer
How they will die
Dravecky: While peeping out of his hotel room for the
morning paper at a big time Christian convention he sees Brenda Warner in her
morning face and turns to stone
DfDL: While stuck on the
road in some dismal hotel room – oddly, the same hotel room that former big
league star Dave Dravecky was found dead in – the DfDL is found in a pool of vomit, OD’ing from massive
amounts of every drug he could find in the backwater
Advantage: Meh. It all evens out in the end, doesn’t it?]
Phil: I am gonna
pick the only person I had left over from my list yesterday, since I really
need to pick at least one Redskin.
Phil: And since THE BEAST told me to
type in his name, and THE BEAST told me to select him, and THE BEAST enjoys the
really really ugly…
32. PHIL: DEXTER MANLEY
[I really might have to send money to Real Sports to get a
copy of that episode. God was that the greatest thing ever. Okay – 2nd behind the
girl who stripped and ran track.]
Bill: OK – my pick is a boxer. No sight,
no memory, no nothin’.
33. BILL: GERALD MCCLELLAN
[Fortuitously seen in the Boston Globe right before the
draft here.]
Phil: I have no clue who
that is.
Ed: OK. I’ve neglected football.
Phil: Kevin Maas. Shane Spencer.
Bill: Robinson Cano.
Ed: FOOTball.
Phil: Eli Manning.
Bill: Timo
Perez isn’t related to Melido or Pascual,
is he?
Phil: He said FOOTBALL.
Ed: Foot-ball.
Ed: Did some fixed fighting…
Phil: Jarrod Bunch!
34. ED: MARK GASTINEAU
[Yeah-yeah. Think of who he’s
slept with.]
Phil: Aww…he
had more than 15 minutes of fame…
Ed: Maybe in
Phil: OK – I have no clue
who to pick next so I resort to an old standby. I was reminded of him by the
Michael Jackson trial.
Ed: OJ?
Phil: Affiliated with OJ…
Bill: Al Cowlings? Jack Kemp?
Phil: Liked a lot of drugs…
Ed: Marcus Allen?
Phil: Played baseball.
Ed: Keith Hernandez? Dave Parker?
Phil: I would be disappointing Whitey
Herzog and Tommy Lasorda.
Bill: Willie McGee?
Ed: Lonnie Smith?
Phil: Had power…
Bill: Jack Clark?
Phil: Black. Known for
his Dodger days the most.
Bill: Jack Black? I don’t think you can
choose Omar Epps, Phil…
Ed: Pedro Guerrero?
35. PHIL: PEDRO GUERRERO
[If you want crazed websites: Google Pedro Guerrero and OJ
Simpson.]
Bill: Well then, I will take Darryl.
Phil: Aww, Ed
will look down on that pick for being simple.
Bill: Like how I look down on
Ed: Aww…
36. BILL: DARRYL STRAWBERRY
[Oh yeah. Easy pick.]
Ed: OK. Drunk
basketball player. Pretty famous.
Phil: Oh yeah – that narrows it down.
Phil: Bill Walton?
Ed: Known for his hair. Hangs out at Pearl Jam shows with Gammons.
Phil: Bill Walton.
Ed: Tattoos and piercings…
Phil: Mike Dunleavy,
Jr.?
37. ED: DENNIS RODMAN
[Like that was a tough call.]
Phil: OK – I was inspired for this pick
by the US Open.
Bill: Michael Chang isn’t dying, is he?
Phil: No – the OTHER US Open.
Bill: David Duval!!!
Phil: No – although I shoulda now that I think about it. I went instead for the
guy with the debilitating illness who needs Morgan Freeman to cart him around.
38. PHIL: CASEY MARTIN
[In hindsight, I realized that when in doubt my
subconscious thought of people with some sort of leg aliment.]
Bill: OK – my pick is another crazy NBA
player. Has been kicked off of pretty much every team he was ever on. Disappears on a regular basis.
Phil: Bison Dele? Oof
– he is dead anyway.
39. BILL: JR RIDER
[There are like 13 players named JR Rider or something like
in the NBA so I had to make sure I chose the right one. Choosing AC Green is
passé at this point.]
Ed: OK – for my only hockey player –
since I can name about five hockey players…
Phil: It has to be Mario – right? He had
the cancer, right?
Ed: Nope…
Ed: I was going to go with the Bobblehead – Eric Lindros. I
mean, he’d sneeze and his head would bust open. But…
Phil: SWERVE!
Ed: The one most likely to not die of
natural causes…
Phil: Tie Domi?
Ed: Unless ODing
on crank and getting sliced up in a bar fight are natural causes…
Bill: Joe Thornton?
Ed: I am old-school, Bill.
Phil: Who else would Ed even know? Dale
Hunter?
40. ED: BOB PROBERT
[You know he’s going to get stabbed in a bar somewhere. And
now I have my hockey pick out of the way.]
Phil: OK. As much as I would love to
pick Chico Lind because going around pantsless still
makes me giggle uncontrollably, I don’t know how conducive that is to dying. So back to baseball.
Phil: I don’t have a ton of dirtbag drug users yet. And he was a Yankee for a little
while.
Bill: Dwight?
Phil: Since unlike the Red Sox – my
favorite team employs drug addicts.
Bill: Ooh – A LOOGY!
41. PHIL: STEVE HOWE
[The only man who had a doctor’s permission to take cocaine. The fact that he doesn’t have a
sponsor of his baseball-reference page is amazing. Not that I want to sponsor
it – I am just surprised no one creative has done it yet.]
Bill: OK – my pick has played on two
continents.
42. BILL: KAZUHIRO SASAKI
[Alcoholic. Family problems. Very sketchy lifestyle. Disappeared from
his team with little notice. Recently remarried to a
television star but still.]
Ed: OK. My pick is an author who
played for the Yankees.
43. ED: JIM BOUTON
[Old. Bad health. Just barely qualifies for me. Oh yeah.]
44. PHIL: MUHAMMED ALI
[I figure he has to stop shaking at some point.]
Bill: That is just cold blooded. I am gonna go with a man who gave up $13 million for nothing. He
has many children and maybe even more DUIs.
45. BILL: SHAUN KEMP
[In his defense, he’d rather bust a nut than bust a cap
which might help him. And yes – I got the idea to pick him when I mentioned
Jack Kemp a few picks ago.]
Ed: CRAP! How did I forget Shaun Kemp?
Phil: Cause you
are old and you hate the NBA.
Bill: Just throwing it out there, Ed –
ROCKET ISMAIL!
Ed: Dick.
Phil: Jeff Hostetler. Jerry Rice.
Charles Woodson.
Ed: No – that would be wishing. OK –
this guy is sorta renowned for all the wrong reasons.
Shortstop.
Phil: Omar Vizquel?
Bill: Phil Rizzutto?
Ed: Aww…Bill
thinks I am ancient.
Phil: Pee Wee Reese?
Ed: Connected to Mike Torrez, but
ISN’T Bucky Dent.
Phil: TINKER!
Bill: OK – Phil wins.
Ed: Here’s the giveaway. BEANED by Mike Torrez.
Bill: Rex Chapman!
Phil: The basketball player??
Bill: Oof – I
meant the guy who got beaned in the 20s. Er – Ray Chapman.
Phil: Tony Conigliaro?
46. ED: DICKIE THON
[Oh, it is a letdown after Tinker and Rex Chapman.]
Phil: (Note: this is a direct quote) God – Red Champman
is so much funnier
Phil: OK – I wanted to pick Mark
Belanger but he died. This fulfills my need to pick an earlier Oriole.
47. PHIL: BOOG POWELL
[I am assuming he will either have a heart attack or choke
to death on his own BBQ.]
Bill: My next pick is a recent player.
Had a lot of discussion about him in the baseball preview despite not being an
active major leaguer.
Phil: Albert Belle?
Bill: Not as angry and fatter.
Ed: Fernando Valenzuela?
Bill: Ooh – close. But we didn’t talk
about Valenzuela in the preview. And he’s a reliever.
Phil: Urbina’s
mom?
Bill: VERY close. He may have eaten Urbina’s mom.
Phil: Jesse Orosco?
Wilson Alvarez?
Ed: Antonio Alfonseca?
Bill: No – but he may end up eating Alfonseca’s extra fingers at some point.
48. BILL: RICH GARCES
[The big board for him goes heart attack, kidnapping, and
accidental harpooning.]
Ed: OK – I already named this guy
earlier. Crippled football player.
49. ED: DARRYL STINGLEY
[Unless St. Brady brings him back to life, of course.]
Phil: When in doubt, think crazy – and
NBA.
Bill: Mahmoud
Abdul-Rauf?
Phil: That would’ve been better – but
the rejection on “Dream Job” might be too much to take. Sadly I cannot pick
Stuart Scott.
Ed: Kit Hoover?
50. PHIL: DARRYL DAWKINS
[I now realize that Gerald Wilkens
would have worked because a crazed, disappointed over no HOF Nique might have stabbed him….]
51. BILL: GHEORGE WEAH
[He is trying to gain power in an African country. That
means he will be the victim of a coup. It is inevitable.]
Ed: George Weah?
Wasn’t he Norm on “Cheers”?
Ed: OK – since no one’s picked a race
car driver and no Petty’s have been killed in a
while…
52. ED: KYLE PETTY
[Well, he looks like death warmed over anyway.]
Phil: Aww....
and it will because Richard offs him for ruining the family name, not because
he hits turn 4 at Daytona. OK – let me get my notebook.