Date: Wed, 28 Apr 2004 00:13:54 -0400
From: Philip Rippa
To: Bill Barnwell, Ed Agner
Cc: Ed Agner
Subject: I guess this would be called the soccer fiasco

If I was a lazy, cliched writer, I would have started this email off with a quote. Something along the lines of that there "No man is an island" one.

I wasn't even going to write this but after getting home 45 minutes ago (its a quarter to midnight... is that even right. 11:45 pm. There we go). I
showered and checked my email and laughed at the As letting us win... though it would have been sweeter if Chris Hammond had given up the lead. But I was still bitter and awake and I figured this would probably be more entertaining for you guys if I did this now. And I apologize in advance to Ed for soccer references that he will not understand.

My coed soccer game tonight was not for the faint of heart. I think the final score was somewhere around 10-1, not us. Sadly, I am the goalie on my
team. I kinda just inherited the position since I am the only one with a vague sense of how to play it. Mind you, I have never played goal in my life
until last fall when my best friend conned me into playing. Though for someone like myself, who has the cardio of a three year old who smokes 12 packs a day - keeper isnt the worst thing in the world.

I am nowhere near the greatest keeper in the world. I get by basically by having really long limps, my old sweeper insticts clicking in allowing me to read what someone is going to do before they do and the fact that many a person we are facing are terrible shots. Our first game, we lost 3-2. Partly
because we had 492 shots on goal and only scored once and partly because I let a ball take a horrible bounce off the world's field and into the net. Oh
yeah - the field is terrible. It is the tiniest pitch you will ever see in your live. At least it is longer than it is wide - but not by much. I swear the goalie box ends like five feet before midfield. And it is bumpy as a mother. Tonight it had at least rained so the ground was soft... as opposed to last week when I left my knees and right elbow on the field.

Anyway, I had a bad feeling about tonight's game before it even started as we had some crappy weather this evening with passing showers, wind and the temp dropping about 30 degrees. Oh and a 9 pm start time. So people were bailing left and right. Grr.... So we ended up having one guy sub and no girl subs. You can see where this is going already.

Five minutes into the game, one girl pulls a hammy and is done for the game. Now because of the rules, we can't play the extra guy in her place. So we are now playing a man short. Actually, we are playing two short because I should tell you about the girl on my team who has never played soccer before
in her life. Yes, you read that correctly. Never played soccer before. I give her credit. She didn't have one handball the entire game... despite her
cowering in fear when the ball came near her. She was real good for the first 10 minutes or so as since she didn't know what she was doing, she was just hacking legs and throwing elbows. I think her exact quote was "I am just hurting people." I am thinking "Sweet, we could use a goon." I mean Domi has made a career out of it.

I will get back to her in a second. My team has a real problem playing defense. We have lots and lots of guys who like to dribble and dribble and dribble and make runs. They use all their energy going forward and no one wants to actually hang back, let alone run back after making a run. So the team we are playing tonight is good. They have guys making runs up the wings, also making switching runs. And they do something that is a sign of a truly good team in a recreational co-ed league - they pass the ball A LOT.

So of course, I am facing waves of guys. And usually, someone breaks free and is able to cross to someone charging up the middle for an easy goal. So
they score three goals in like the first 20-25 minutes. A couple, guys were clearly offsides, but it is hard to stay onside when no one from my team is
actually playing defense. I did love the third goal as the ref clearly admitted that the guy was offsides but forgot to call it Oh whatever his excuse was.

Now things get good. Right after the third goal, I am fishing the ball out of the net and I notice that one of our girls has just walked off the field. It is the girl who hasn't played before. She just walked off the field. Oh, but it gets better. She rips off her shirt, flings it in disgust and walks to the parking lot. I love petulent spats. We are now officially, two players short. The best (and saddest part) is that for the next 15 mintues, we played out best soccer of the game as we didn't have this one player just standing their taking up space. There is nothing worse than losing an entire side of the field because you know you can't pass the ball to someone. We get a couple of chances on goal but don't score because God forbid anyone on my team actually shoots from outside 10 yards. And the 40 mph crosswind didn't help as any cross in the air took off. The first half actually ended when the game ball got caught in a gust and carried the over two fences and onto I-95. Our field is so getto.

Just for the record, the quitty girl's husband/boyfriend/sugar daddy/whatever finally caught up to her in the parking lot and convinced her to keep playing. Not that it really helped.

The second half just got ugly as our guys got gassed, their team had a couple of guys who thought they were Kaka and get making odd man runs. I swear I faced no less than 20 breakaways. I freely admit that I am horrible at coming off my line. Part of the problem is that this cute blonde girl kept coming in on breakaways and I always hesitated because my guilt over crippling her would have consumed me to no end. Of course, she had a fucking amazing shot and ended up with a natural hat trick.

Then there were at least three goals that I let up because I made a diving save and not a single guy on my team actually moved to clear the ball so while I am lying on the ground wishing that the Metro train would jump the track, plow through the fence and clear the field, the other team is scoring on an empty net.

After the game, most of the team didn't want to look me in the eye as they all felt really sheepish. Oof, this is going to be a long season. I am so looking forward to Friday's game now. I feel like there is a lot more I am forgetting to complain about but everything did become a big blur.

Okay - its after midnight and I really need to sleep. Thank God for vacation tomorrow as I am going to be so sore. My knees are killing me and admititng
this will probably lead to countless bad blowjob jokes but I really don't care. I probably should also proofread this but why should I start with this email.

Phil