12:00: You get the feeling that ESPN is just covering this draft so that they have video footage of the Capitals selecting consensus number one pick and future superstar Alexander Ovechkin. Of course - then you get the feeling that they can leech off of the TSN feed. And that the World Series of Poker tapes broke or something.

12:01: AWESOME! Literally, this is the TSN feed with ESPN graphics put over it. Steve Levy will not be making an appearance on this show. Barry Melrose has other plans. Ray Ferraro...Ray Ferraro is getting married to Cammi Granato. That can't be a good idea. God, is that house going to smell.

12:01: The Capitals can't fuck this up. Right?

12:03: The satellite feed at my parents' house cuts out as TSN (god am I giddy about this) interviews George McPhee. If this feed comes back and the announcers are yelling about how shocking this is, I'm never watching another hockey game again.

12:04: A few years ago, the Capitals had the fourth overall pick in the draft. They chose a hugely-hyped Russian named Alexander Volchkov. Now - why haven't you heard of Alexander Volchkov? Because he played three games for the Capitals. Three. Granted, it was a weak draft -- but Volchkov was last seen playing sparingly in Russia. In the second division. Let's just say that I've been skeptical of Russian players ever since.

12:04: Comparing Ovechkin to Jaromir Jagr isn't going to make me any happier. Stupid useless trade.

12:05: So the first pick is European, and the announcers are talking about his upside...what draft IS this?

12:05: Like you didn't know that joke was coming.

12:06: So ESPN2 had to sell commercial time to NuFinish?!? Couldn't we have just gotten the TSN advertising? The Canadian Labatt Blue commercials really blow away the American Labatt Blue ones.

12:08: They show a montage of Jerome Iginla, Robin Regehr, and Vincent Lecavalier, but forget to play the audio for the montage, so we are treated to local announcements in the arena in Carolina. Production Values are overrated.

12:09: Ted Leonsis is at the Capitals' table and looks angry. AVOID AT ALL COSTS!!!

12:10: The announcers are talking about the "new economic order" which is a very sinister buzzword for the lockout.

12:11: It's interesting that all references to the television coverage, even by Gary Bettman, are to the Canadian fans on TSN first and to American fans on ESPN2 second.

12:11: Bettman is absolutely rambling here, giving instructions to the teams on how to enter the picks into the computer at their desk, how to announce the pick, and what to do in later rounds. I'm waiting for him to explain how to fill out a Scantron, and how skipping ahead to later sections is prohibited.

12:13: Alexander Ovechkin's father looks eerily like Pat Quinn. Who, himself, looks slightly like Len Pasquarelli. None of these people are people you want to look like.

12:14: The Capitals choose Ovechkin. Phew. He is giddy and so am I.

12:15: So, now really, I have very little interest in continuing this. But I will for you.

12:17: Ovechkin's English is...better than Pavel Podrolizikineitis. He has more command of English than of his acne problem, I guess.

12:20: Picking second, the Penguins thank "The Triangle Area" (near Carolina) for its hospitality. Do you want me to make a joke here?

12:20: The Penguins choose Yevengy Malkin, who looks like he should either be playing bass for Phantom Planet or be one of the Russian players in Miracle. Ah, Kurt Russell.

12:22: One of the Canadian announcers makes a "...if everything proceeds according to Hoyle" reference which absolutely gets him on my good side for however long I watch this.

12:23: The Blackhawks Chief Amateur Scout announces the third pick like he's doing an impression of a French-Canadian Nelson Mandela. Or Dikembe Mutombo. Your mileage may vary on that joke. They pick Cam Barker from MEDICINE HAT! to fulfill everyone's expectations of the first three picks.

12:24: The announcers talk about how they love Barker's "panic threshold". I wonder if he can play defense well.

12:25: Barker busts out ORGAN-I-ZATION and now I can relax, happy.

12:26: Yeah - just because Pizza Hut cuts their pizza into four doesn't mean I'm going to eat it. And sadly, Tommy Davidson was not available to do this advertisement. Maybe he was filming a sequel to Plump Fiction. Who knows.

12:27: In a pretty cool shot, they announce the Hurricanes moving up into the Blue Jackets pick by showing their logo shifting into the Jackets' slot on the big board. The Hurricanes pick Andrew Ladd (like this matters) and he gets the home-team pop.

12:31: The Coyotes go to pick and Wayne Gretzky walks on the stage without a reaction whatsoever. The Coyotes chief scout introduces him to announce the pick, and then he gets a thirty second standing ovation. Could Carolina fans pick him out of a lineup? Why not?

12:33: God, I love Wayne Gretzky. He pimps his pick, Blake Wheeler's UPSIDE!! and mentions that he's "really 17". Oh boy.

12:36: The Rangers pick goaltender Al Montoya, the first player of Cuban descent to play professional hockey. Glen Sather doesn't even get to announce the pick. Sadly, no one mentions Dan Blackburn until two minutes after the pick -- poor little concussed twenty-year-old.

12:40: Sather gets interviewed and says that he thinks you can never have too many goalies. I think San Jose'd beg to differ.

12:42: There's an ESPN Top 25 Sports Movies show...not hosted by Bill Simmons. Right.

12:44: Mike Keenan lets his Chief Scout announce the pick, which is pretty shocking. They choose a center who went 1-11-12 in 35 games in the Czech Republic. Mmm...statistical analysis.

12:46: As you might imagine, the announcers are talking about the pick (Rotislaw Olesz)'s upside quite a bit.

12:48: The Blue Jackets spend a minute congratulating and thanking people before they pick Alexander Picard, who scored 39 goals in the QMJHL last year, the most amongst any draft-elgible player. STATISTICAL ANALYSIS! The announcers talk about how his skating isn't that good. Aww...we're not figure skating here.

12:52: I'm fading here. The Mets-Yankees game is calling me.

12:54: The Ducks director of scouting looks like Jeff Van Gundy but drops organ-i-zation, which is really unsettling. They choose another Czech player. The announcers love his ability to take a hit -- which, as Eric Lindros might tell you, isn't a skill but more a job description.

12:56: They interview next year's likely number one pick, Sidney Crosby, who looks like a lot like a reincarnated Johnathan Taylor-Thomas. Wait - he didn't die. Jonathan Brandis did. JTT just came out of the closet. Right? Oh, teen idols. You don't work. The TSN announcer kindly remembers that "Crosby will be the number one pick in next year's draft...if it happens." WHA!!

12:58: That was the World Hockey Association and not me expressing shock, by the way. I thought I should clarify.

1:00: OK - enough of this. I'm moving on to baseball. Poor little NHL.