The Worst All Stars
of the 1990s
By Bill Barnwell
“It’s only trivia, so don’t freak out!” – The Thermals
Is it, though, Hutch? Someone’s career got reaffirmed, someone probably got a easy paycheck for years,
a lifetime adjective. All-Star (name). Doesn’t matter
how fat you get. You could kill someone and the AP article would read “Former
Major League all-star Derek Bell was arrested today…” Think that will get us
sued?
So with the All Star Game
upon us and some free time upon me, I’ll take a look at the All-Star Teams of
the 1990s and choose the worst player from each team, one AL, one NL, and see
what they’ve been up to since.
|
1990
|
Steve Sax wasn’t an awful
ballplayer by any means – I remember him, at age six, being a very
respectable Yankee. The only problem is that, as you may know, he wasn’t much
of a fielder. And that is fine when you hit .300, like he did in 1989 and
1991. In 1990, though, he was ugly. I’m not sure how many people have made an
All-Star team with a 639 OPS and not been a fine, fine pitcher. Prospectus
has Sax as the 8th most valuable second baseman in baseball that
year, inbetween HAROLD REYNOLDS!!!!!!! and Johnny Ray. Of course, if Sax had been privy to some
of Harold’s instructional videos, maybe he might’ve learned how to throw to
first. He had a .318 OBP in 205 ABs leading off for
the Yankees, by the way. 67-95. Jack Armstrong was my
choice for worst all-star ever when me and Ed were
talking about it on VP a while ago. This was his only year with more than ten
innings pitched where he had a ERA even close to
league-average. It was also his only year with a winning record. His stats
after the All-Star Break: 2-6, 5.92 ERA. If Jack Armstrong is not the worst
All-Star selection ever, he is certainly the worst pitcher to ever start an
All-Star game. |
|
1991
|
God, infielders used to
be really, really terrible. Of course, I am behooven to acknowledge the
greatness that is OZZIE!!!!!!! That’s right – the answer to my Steve Sax
question only from a year earlier is topped by Ozzie laying a whopping 624
OPS on us. He also got thrown out on 15 of his 36 steal attempts. He did, in
his defense, appear to play a mean shortstop that year. I’m sure he also only
alienated two or three of his teammates. Ozzie’s baseball-reference
sponsorship is also wonderful, as he is sponsored by a 80s cover band called
Full Coverage: “Remember how much fun
Ozzie and the White Sox of the 1980's were? As one of Chicagoland's
most dynamic pop-rock bands, we bring the 80's back through our music at each
show and we wish Ozzie success in bringing the fun back to the south side.” My idea of fun is never, ever, ever getting
on base. Juan Samuel was actually
an adequate second baseman offensively this year when you consider he was
playing in LA – the NL team was pretty excellent altogether, actually, making
for a mean RBI Baseball NL Stars team. I forget which version that was. Samuel
made over it a more deserving Robby Thompson that year but really, that NL
team was a slaughterhouse. True to form, they lost 4-2 to the AL. THE POWER
OF OZZIE!!!! |
|
1992
|
I didn’t do this to pick
on the Yankees. We at VP try to pride ourselves on not following the media
hordes and, well, that’s where they are right now. But if you pick an
outfielder for an All-Star team, they have to slug .400 or be RICKEY!!! (are we not allowed to use the tilde-bang anymore?) to make up for it. Kelly was the fifth-best CF in the Really Sharperson should win this award for the NL but Pagnozzi’s pretty close and I had to include him just so
I could bring up his baseball-reference sponsorship. “My first hero. My momma never told me about OBP.” That is my favorite sponsorship ever, it’s
even better than us sponsoring Rich Sauveur. Sharperson is a astounding pick considering
he wasn’t even a regular starter for the Dodgers. He played 2B and 3B in a
rather ugly manner for a terrible Dodger team, but literally anyone in the
starting rotation deserved the spot more. |
|
1993
|
Scott Cooper, the man who
would set the table for Shea Hillenbrand. I am
pretty sure he didn’t call the Red Sox GM a faggot when he got traded,
though. Oh, Shea is classy. Yes he is. His
baseball-reference sponsorship says it all: “No matter what you say, he’s
still an All-Star.” And you are not. Dave Hollins
was a totally legitimate All-Star on a very good All-Star team, hitting
cleanup for the Phillies all year and having his third excellent year as a
good-hit 3B. He never slugged above .430 again and became a total prick. What
happened? |
|
1994
|
I almost wrote my FPOTM
on Ricky Bones last night and here I get to write just enough on him to make
me not have to write one on him. This was his one real year of poking his
head above adequacy – of course, I would not wish
Phil Garner’s teeth upon the arm of my worst enemy.
Poor Cal Eldred. The real reason I wanted to write about Bones was so that I
could talk about the wonderfully terrible Yankees-Brewers trade where the
Yankees got Bones, Pat Listach, and Graeme Lloyd
for Bob Wickman and Ice Williams…until they
discovered Listach was crippled. This led to the For some reason, NL All-Star
teams run hot and cold. The ’90 and ’92 teams are awful, but the ’91 and ’93 teams
are amazing. The 1994 team is stinky beyond words. Garcia beat out Wil Cordero, Mariano Duncan, Darrin Fletcher, and John Hudek to be the worst player on the All-Star team, and Jay
Bell, Andy Van Slyke, Al Martin, and Zane Smith to
make the All-Star team from a HORRIBLE Pirates team. What made me pick Garcia?
I am a pretty huge baseball fan. I can probably give you 300 words off the
top of my head on Ricky Bones – even more on Pat Listach.
I have never, ever heard of Carlos Garcia before. Ever. Garcia never posted an OPS+ above league average. He was actually remotely
adequate the next year when he slugged .420 – and never approached that
again. And he was still better than Ozzie Guillen. |
|
1995
|
Gary DiSarcina’s
career OPS+: 64, 55, 61, 107, 61, 56, 82, 41. Guess
which year he was an All-Star in. Tyler Green is just a
flat-out terrible pitcher. He never had an ERA approaching league-average, was
18-25 in three seasons, and couldn’t stay healthy. After the All-Star break: 0-4,
8.95 ERA. At least Jack Armstrong had that one good year. Maybe 15 players on
the Phillies deserved the honor more than Green. Who led the team in
innings pitched this year? PAUL QUANTRILL. That rules. |
|
1996
|
Pavlik was 10-2 at the All-Star break…with a 5.15 ERA. Mmm…wins. Nine years later and Kenny Rogers is working the same gimmick. I don’t remember Pavlik beating up any cameramen – of course, I was busy
discovering how to masturbate at this point and the entire year is a blur. Ozzie also made it the
year before when he hit .199/.282/.244 in 156 ABs. I
can’t top what I just said, though. Let that sink in for a while. Right. Just
explorin’ my body. Straight outta
health class. |
|
1997
|
Jason Dickson was maybe
the most nondescript All-Star of the nineties – came up at the end of 96,
pitched two seasons of almost league-average baseball, hurt his arm, threw 20
mop-up innings in 2000, retired. Didn’t even get a pension. I did insist on my dad
grabbing Tony Womack in the last round of our fantasy draft that year and it
won us the league. A couple of years earlier, I had tried to insist on him
doing the same with Bob Hamelin – he wanted to pick Gerald Williams instead. Hey, at least he wasn’t
an outfielder yet. Poor poor Joe Torre. |
|
1998
|
How long did it take Tim McCarver to get Arrojo and
Bronson Arroyo separate in his head? Does he even have it yet? I haven’t been
brave enough/gotten lucky to listen to him this year. Arrojo
was probably the best pick on an ugly ugly Devil
Ray team though. CHUCK LAMAR!!! How topical! Our NL pick
happens to suck again. Boone was a very nice replacement-level second baseman
for the Reds this year. Unfortunately, he cost them $2.8 million. Thanks
Bret! |
|
1999
|
RON COOMER MADE AN ALL
STAR TEAM!!! There is nothing greater than that and each time I remember that
it happened it makes me giggle and giggle. If there was ever a push to
eliminate the “Every team must have an All-Star” rule, Ron Coomer should be Case A. Of course, I hope that push
never ever happens. Kent Bottenfield
had a really good year despite some ugly peripherals: 124 K to 89 BB. This
was good enough for the Angels to deal Jim |